2012-12-22 00:46:20 (UTC)


December 22, 2012 12:46 AM Saturday

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

Oh God. I'm trying so hard to be... fine.

I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard to sleep, and to not think, and to not write and to not draw and only to read, so I can forget.. Forget.

I'm trying so hard to not tell anyone... Lily is texting me about her "shower" AKA cutting session.

I wonder if I'm the reason. I desperately want to tell her how much I hate myself right now and how alone I am. I have no one to talk to and it feels absolutely terrible. Caroline is home. Ethan fell asleep in our house so I guess brother is staying over tonight. Good. His bed at his house is broken and because he parents hate him, they refuse to buy a new one even though they can easily afford it.

He has back problems because of that...

Every time I go to tell someone, the words get stuck. Not just when I'm speaking in person, but texting or something. I stop myself and I can't get out that blockage no matter what.

This is why I'm writing at the moment. I tried to cry but the tears didn't really come out. Lily is being dumb because she's not texting me like a normal human :0

Oh godohgodohgod.

Why do we give up?

It's so much easier, huh?

I do feel like throwing up... I'm already sick, anyway.

Please. I wish I could just die in my sleep. I already have two suicide note drafts under my pillow from last month, but like I said, I don't want to kill myself.

I just want to die. These two things are very different.

Now, there is nothing left to say. I wish there was.

I get so lonely.

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