The Bitter End

Melancholy Happiness
2012-12-21 08:05:55 (UTC)

Decisions

Triggered. I'm so very fucking triggered. I feel like I've been hit in the gut really hard. I don't know what set me off. I'm 4 days clean of cuts... I made close to 100 last time... Shit I don't know if I can hold it together. Shooting threats at my school raise my own demons back to life. Rufus... Everything.

Talked to Kristen and sorted everything out. Kind of. I get the impression she's not to keen on being friends. Whatever, I got the answers I was looking for. When she said she loved me and always will... I felt.... I felt so hollow. I can't explain why.

Cutting has reached a new low. I've hit 30-40 cuts a day. Too many, I'm losing too much blood. I just want to slash and slash and slash until I pass out. It'd be peaceful way to go. My thighs will never look the same again. Weird though to have.

So Hannah and I have been dating for a month now. I'm way happier with her than I ever was with Kristen... Which makes me think. We have a Skype date tomorrow and I'm so nervous. She's going to realize in fat, I'm not that great, I'm not cute, I'm not worth it. She won't like me anymore. Which kills me because... Well... I'm attached. I love her. I'd do anything for her. It eats me up inside that I got too attached. I told myself when I first messages her not to fall... And I did. It's not bad... I'm just really scared. I'm scared she feels stuck with me... I'm scared she'll leave and then I'll be alone. Damnit. She makes me so happy.

Tryin to minimize calories to 800 a day. I don't need any, but I'm not to that stage yet. I hate me. I'm awkward, I'm not super attractive, I'm not anything. I'm just me. Why would someone so beautiful as her fall for me? It's like Shrek and Fiona. I'm terrified she'll realize how pretty she really is and she'll see she can do better.

Everyone can do better, my friends, he'll my family doesn't even want me. Dads an asshole, moms too clingy, nothing is right. My psych gave up on me... Both of them. I can't deal with it. I've been thinking more and more about trains and jumping.... They seem so peaceful. I don't want to live. I hate this life... I have to be strong for Hannah though. She needs me to be. I promised her... Im just... I'm helpless.




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