WalkingInDeath

TheLivingSecrets
2012-12-20 00:18:44 (UTC)

I've been longing for this.

Well where to begin, I just got my laptop back from a long grounding from it. I only got it back because I said I needed it for a project, they never asked or took it back so I just kept my mouth shut and kept it. 12-21-12, the day the world is supposed to end. Crazy that people believe in this. You think the world would have started to show signs of death and total destruction, I mean no way in hell the world out of no where, just collapses! Does anybody realize that? Or is it just me?

Even if the world ends I'll have my wish, I died d-flowered. SO I guess we can say that is a plus.

I don't really want to die, I'm scared.. What if there is no after life.. You know that feeling you get when you sleeping and there is only blackness and you feel yourself slipping away from you body in the dark realm of your subconscious. That feeling that panics you, that maybe you will sleep forever only starring at darkness, never to see light again. Well what if dying is like that... but only the darkness of you subconscious is swallowing you, and the deeper you go the more you start to fade... and then nothing... you don't even stare at darkness, you have no mind, you have ... nothing. You just die. Even if there is life beyond us, then where will I go? Will god grant me a ticket into heaven? Or will one of my selfish stupid acts be accounted as sinful and banish me to hell. If there is a hell, I do not want to experience it... I would want to spend my after life with the ones I love in heaven. I want a beautiful scenery every time I look around. Where nothing is harmful, where I do not have to worry if someone is watching me, plotting my death or spreading rumors. Just a peaceful place where everyone smiles and gets along, where no one tries to kill...

Wouldn't it be nice if life where that easy, wouldn't be nice if the world was perfect. Where pollution never came, where war ceased to exist. Where people got along no matter what they looked like, no matter what their race was, no matter how athletic or intelligent they were. Does any of it matter? To me there is no difference. We all have the natural instinct to judge others. I will not lie, I do it... I judge others, I treat others badly. I have tried to stop, to be nice to everyone, to not judge, but I can not concentrate on it, it takes me too much effort. So I simply give up and "go with the flow". DO I ever feel bad for making fun of those people? For hurting someones feelings? OF COURSE, I feel regret right away, to see there sad soft eyes, only to think about what they are thinking to that... "It's true" "What she says hurts" "I'll never be good enough" "I should go die or hide" "Why can't anyone except me?" "Am I this terrible?" "What did I ever do to go through this?" "I'm all alone..". Knowing these thoughts rumble around in there head because of what I said... It kills me... I would love to say sorry, but I only know they will reject me and splatter hateful words at me.. So I stay quiet. I don't dare say anything else. I can sit here and tell myself I'll be a nicer, new person, I'll change my ways. Sadly, I know where I'll end up... I'll be back to my old ways in less then a week... It takes a very great amount of strength to change old habits.

Ahh, sadly my dear Journal.. My secret bestfriend... My everything, I must go. Au Revoir.




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