LustingforNightmares

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2012-12-18 15:34:29 (UTC)

Bitterness


December 18, 2012 Tuesday 3:34 PM


A couple people in my thirteen years of being alive have told me I am not average, but actually I think I really am quite normal. People seem to think I am average.

They look at me and see my appearance, my blank, unreadable expression, the one my face settles into when its reading or writing. It's just an ugly wall, and they can't see through it, into all my thoughts.

I don't think I am amazing. If I did, these entries would be very different.

I'd kill anyone who tried to sift through fractions of my memory, which I frequently jot down in more than a dozen notebooks, kept since third grade.

The point is, I'm seen as average and that makes me sad because I never wanted to be this way, but I AM. And how do I change? That's the problem, I can't.

Empty.

Emptier.

Alone.

A loner.

I don't know, the above is my mind being confusing. I just have a lot of thoughts, which you'd probably find boring. I like playing with ideas and structures and even my dreams.

I use cheesy plots for my own personal pleasure and I use the other ones as writing material THAT NO ONE WILL EVER SEE.

I like grotesque things. Have you ever seen pictures of Japanese babies after the bombings in the 1940's? I don't know why but.. When I discover tragedies like this, I find myself wanting to know more, more... Exact details.

It's strange.

I wonder what my friends would think after I died. Would things like, "increasingly distant..." and "often too quiet" cross their minds?

If they notice, it doesn't show. They could've done something, but it's okay. Lily told me today she wanted to go to this rehab center of suicidal people called Four Winds or something.

For some strange reason, I didn't want her to go. Don't I want her to be better? Yeah, I really honestly do.

But... What would happen to me? Not that she would forget I exist. But I mean, knowing that they're getting help and my form healing isn't working... I don't want to die, I don't want to die.


I just feel very bitter towards the people who care for me most. I feel they've left me in the dust. Even ~M hasn't replied to my messages in days.

Aaron is preoccupied with her own suicidal feelings. I try to make her feel like I am there for her, but there is always that feeling in my stomach, like a time bomb ticking. I want to explode. God, don't you guys see?
I've been spending my time trying, and trying.


But you don't see, do you?

Lily is happy that she's getting help, and everything feels so wrong. Why? It should feel right. Didn't I say I would be better if they were?

They are not better. Both Aaron and Lily both hinted they would not care if they died.

I don't want to die I don't want to die... I want to die.


I just don't want to kill myself.

Maybe I"m just like them, wrapped up in my own little world. I don't want to believe it, which is why I've been keeping everything inside as of late, but I don't know.

I feel like I'm being sucked down a drain.


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