kiddo16

NaivetY & ChildhooD LefT BehinD
2012-12-08 07:02:28 (UTC)

More than loneliest

The last time I saw people getting into relationship and already I felt lonely. And then those phase turns into people starting to get married and I was invited to their weddings. It just felt lonelier especially so when I was to attend it alone and all others was attending it with their other halfs. Now I guess it just became loneliest as I saw these same people getting pregnant and living so much happier awaiting for the arrival of their newborn. As for me, I haven't even got into the first phase yet. I felt so terribly left behind. All these dreams of getting into a relationship, getting married and then being pregnant was something I had dreamt about when I was much younger. I saw myself doing all these in my 20s. 21 to get into a serious relationship. 22 to get engaged. 24 to get married and by 25, I would already have 1 little me. But now all those dreams never happened. It's just a dream that I harbour coz apparently people simply don't see me or just don't have that kind of trust in me. It's true despite I was in much denial yesterday. It happen when someone close to me do not trust me to take up the responsibility. Because I was in a state of denial, I went against the person's judgment and went ahead with the responsibility. Really I thought I'm confident and able to face this challenge but in the end, I saw the result for myself. I'm a failure.. but that's not the main point. The main point is I think people around me could see clearly who I am and how I am if I were to go through something. They could have sense something in me which I guess makes them just wants to stay away from me. I don't know... I'm just guessing. But whatever it is, it's just so lonely to be me. Each and every time, I'll have to rely on chances.. for anyone to appear in my life for a brief period.. to share bits and pieces of my pathetic life. I remember when I was younger.. the time when my parents forsake me, there comes a time when my good friends were there for me. Now when I had grown up, these good friends have also forsaken me. Instead, I had depended on random people who could be my friends to share bits of my life. Soon enough, I know these people won't stay long in my life and that they too will forsake me. I guess that's my life huh? Always not getting what I really want in life.. it's not about being pampered to get what I want but really, I had never gotten what I really want. For that, I felt more than loneliest. Now I just wish that God will take me away sooner so that I won't have time face all these heartaches much longer.




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