I feel like a douche for not going to the mall with Aaron, but I cannot face the prospect of getting out of bed. I can't.
I won't. I refuse to.
Lily made me realize something. She told me she actually really, really misses Gillian, contradicting what she always told me, "Lol, I don;t miss Gillian. We hadn't been really talking for like three weeks before she got mad, anyway..."
I realize that I miss a lot of people that don;t exist anymore. I miss when me and Marina were best friends, and I miss when me and Gillian would stay up late, and make food, haha. I miss when I hung out with Aaron all the time and when we both liked weird stuff. I miss when me and Lily were best friends, and all we did was jump on her trampoline and play video games and eat.
I miss when i thought I was pretty.
I miss when I thought I was good enough.
I miss when I had a boy best friend.
I miss laughing until I couldn't breathe and I was rollling on the floor.
I miss when my family was younger, and Caroline still lived here. I remember when a bunch of her friends came over including my fifteen year old neighbor (she was eleven at the time) . We all played a game called Land of Opt and it was about a different world. We played past sundown, all lost in the tragic world where some of us would die and the rest of us would cry forgetting its just a game.
I miss when Stephanie leaned back during the game and accidently got stabbed in the head with a fork from one of our many cooking games.
I miss when I loved life. I miss when i wasn't sad, and I miss when I didn' t say I miss before every nice thought in my head.
I want it all back. Give me a refund. Let me go to the fair with my friends again. Let me be so happy I can hardly think.
I want all these things to miss me back. I want Marina to miss me. I want everyone to miss me... But that's selfish.
I can't handle this. I can;t handle any of this.
I don't care at this point.