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Dec. 5, 2012 Wednesday 9:23 PM
"The Girl" by City and Colour
FEEDBACK: Thank you for all the messages I got! I will be sure to reply by tomorrow. I'm sorry, I've been really busy lately (actually being SOCIAL. Whoa!) so I haven't had the time to have long, lovely e-mail conversations with my favoritest people in the world.
It's funny because this is the first time in two years anyone had tried to help me.
More cutting information from Gillian and Aaron and... as unexpected as this is, Laney.
We all sat in a square, TALKING about it. Open. I didn't talk about my cuts, though. Aaron openly showed us hers and Gillian and Laney were speaking about this other girls cuts... Honestly, I can't remember anymore. I wish I could but my brain is fucked up.
Gillian said I could start reading her diary again. Woot! If any of you want to talk to her or something, send me a message and I'll give you her diary name.
I put the cigarette in a box for when times get bad.
My scars are fading and I am weirdly ashamed that they are less visible now. The truth is, if you don't cut deep enough, people think you don't know what you are feeling. They don't believe you're sad.
Mine are usually kind of deep, but now that they're healing, they look too light.
I'm happy today.
Earlier, I was really upset with Aaron, but again, I can't remember why.
Sometimes, I put her down and I wish I didn't. Aaron is really nice and funny and beautiful while she can be mean, she is amazing.
She even admits she is a stereotype, haha! But no, seriously, I respect Aaron's reasons for cutting.
Her dad tried to kill himself three times. There have also been a bunch of other suicide attempts or something in her family. It's insane. At some point, last year she lived with her Aunt and Uncle in New hampshire for eight months while her parents got divorced after her dad tried to kill himself the third time.
Her dad's girlfriend has also tried to kill herself several times, even trying to throw herself off a bridge. Trying to overdose.
I know how that feels..
I'm happy but I want to kill myself. Is that weird? And I also found out... I'm not so "special". There are tons of girls at my school who cut. I've honestly never seen any boys, but I would like to. I don't want them to cut... But people don't recognize guys as people who would do that. I just... Nevermind.
Me and gillian and aaron are all going to go to guidance for a meeting about spreading awareness of self-harm and suicide. I would really love to. More people need to know.
All this support I'm getting from everyone is really helping... I don't even know if I want to see a therapist anymore, except for that I still cut myself and I still want to kill myself somehow, through my happiness.
I want to cry. Why do I want to cry? I really don't understand myself.
I really want Lily to stop taking pills. She took eighteen last night.
Why do I want to kill myself while so incredibly happy? Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
I don't even care at this point. Not like I have any way to kill myself.... Except for slitting down my wrists and sitting in a bath tub.