LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2012-12-03 20:56:42 (UTC)

January 10.


"Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.

8:56 PM

[I'm fucking SORRY!!! I just have too much to say, I swear]

Jan 10 is the first appointment with whatever therapist my mother hooked me up with.

Jan 10.

Do you know how much energy is takes to survive a week, let alone a month? But I am not complaining (Okay, maybe I am).

I'm lucky to HAVE an appointment. I'm tired of feeling emotions to the extreme. I'm tired of getting EXTREMELY angry and then EXTREMELY suicidal to COMPLETELY and utterly happy.

It makes no sense and I am all about.... Well, truthfully I am all about NOT making sense.

Once, I wrote a short story (that sucked) about a girl who murdered other people, "for the sake of everyone else. I do it so they don't have to."

Sometimes, writing takes me over. Sometimes, I don't even know what I mean, I just know the words are true. There is a little part of me that is a psycho-fucking-killer and thats what that part of me says.

So the things I say and do make almost sense to me, but not to everyone else. I was texting Lily the other day and she told me I sounded like the Mad Hatter because she asked me what I was doing and I replied like this: Wait nevermind, I can;t remember, but it was weird and cryptic

and my way of saying I just cut my stomach a whole lot and I feel like killing myself.

Although it sounded nothing like that.


I am melting.
I am dissolving.
I am disappearing.
I am numb.

I am sad.
I am happy.
Confused.
too much.

Too little.

Not perfect.

Perfect enough.

But no,
Selfish
Selfish
Selfish

and I don't know how to NOT be selfish, I don't know how to be someone else.


January 10 is too far away. How am I going to survive even tonight?


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