LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2012-11-30 21:54:08 (UTC)

[Insert Clever Title Here]


9:54 PM


[Another entry, I know! Kill me. I have no social life.]

I got feedback (Thank you! I love, love, LOVE feedback, even if it only says, "Do you like tacos? I do) from a girl saying I was bisexual.

I'll decide that for myself, but I'll also take her opinion into account, as she is also bisexual. Like I said, I don't care about my sexuality. My family is laid back to the point where I can do practically anything (but I don't because I have no friends, wah).

I can imagine my uncle and cousin freaking out about me being bisexual, though. But I have never been close to them.

I guess things are easy for me compared to other people, which is one reason I feel so bad that I get so depressed.

Speaking of which, I cut yesterday on my stomach and retraced my "FAT" scar, just to remind myself. I need to lose weight. As I was cutting, that Ne-Yo song "let me love you" was on an singing lyrics way too relevant considering it is a pop song.

I don't particularly love pop, but he was singing about like "Had no example of love that was even remotely real. How can you understand something you never had?" and "I can see the pain behind your eyes, its been there for quite awhile."

They sound cheesy now that I rewrite them, but I was crying and yelling at my radio to shut up, but truthfully I was feeling nothing inside.

These past few days have been rather painless.

It's like I don't want myself to heal. Like every time I get close to getting help, all the pain runs away and comes back as soon as I decide "Nevermind! I'm okay!"

On the other hand, I don;t want to stop being sad. If I stop being sad, I won't see a therapist. If I don't see a therapist, I get sad again. Then I ask to see a therapist. Then I decide I'm all right. Then I get sad again, and the cycle repeats.

I can't decide if this is real or not. I'm not happy right now but I'm not sad, so what does any of this mean?

Stupid brain chemistry.


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