November 27, 2012 Tuesday 6:35 PM
I'm trying not to be a manipulative bitch, but my manipulative bitchness has a mind of its own.
For God's sake, I just tried to manipulate my own MOM with a KNIFE. We were downstairs, and randomly mom starts yelling at me about the dishes I should've done yesterday. I have some pretty bad anger issues (that no one likes to address are very serious) and I was already very high strung. I don't know why.
Today had actually been kind of a good day. Anyway, she started yelling at me while I was cutting a bagel so I started waving around my knife, and she only yelled louder. One thing about my mom is, she can yell for like thirty minutes straight about something and you have to sit there with anger boiling in your stomach while she lists everything you haven't done, or yells at you for irrational things, like not asking specific questions. My mom was asleep all day yesterday and my dad was teaching, so I really don't see how I could've asked them any questions about work that needed to be finished.
So I shrieked back at her, "Stop! Please stop, I have a knife!" I know, dramatic. Over the top. Stupid. Above all, so so so so so stupid.
Why did I do that?
Because I was trying to unconsciously manipulate her. But I wasn't threatening to stab her, I was threatening to cut myself. I'm surprised she didn't see my wrist.
She was disgusted with me and turned away after saying, "I can't believe you, I've created a MONSTER!"
She said it really sharply. I guess I didn't need a knife, then. I felt really bad, though. I mean, I wouldn't have cut myself in front of her, I was just trying to get my way. Trying to get her to stop shouting at me. I get really sick of her being angry all the time.
So I quietly finished the dishes after putting away the bagel, because I kind of felt like puking after that. I couldn't decide if I wanted her to apologize or I wanted to just forget the whole thing.
I know she only said I was a monster because I hurt her, and she wanted to hurt me back. Sometimes, I wish my mouth could be sown shut.
My anger just takes me over, just like it takes over my mom. Only maybe more so, because I hurt people worse than she does.
I don't usually talk about my parents. My dad doesn't know how to treat people emotionally, and my mom is too sensitive, but I love them both, even if my dad did scoff when I tried to tell him that I wasn't okay.
I'm getting help, though. My mom's called a therapist. $15 per appointment.
I don't know. I really don't know if I should go.
I don't know if I want to be helped.
Decisions, decisions. I guess I'll try, but this seems unlikely.
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