Ad 2:
2012-11-27 15:00:47 (UTC)


3:00 PM

It's daytime, which means I'm fine and all my urges are pushed to the side. There is still some leftover frustration because I woke up into real life, and I hate real life.

I was having a dream that had Harry Potter, Beckendorf from the Percy Jackson series, and some other people. I wanted to be on the floating gryffindor mattress that takes us along the river, but I guess I was put on the Ravenclaw one, which is fitting.

I don't even like gryffindor. So, we got to this place with an old lady and for some reason the only spell I could remember was "Expecto Patronum!" and for the life on me, I could not remember expelliarmus. Instead, I caught the weird old lady in a choke hold. She was trying to kill us.

After defeating her, I entered this weird dream set in the 70's in the suburbs. And then Harry and Dumbledore and stuff came to rescue me from that pointless dream.

Well, at least I didn't have a rape dream tonight. I used to have nightmares where I would be intoxicated and someone would film us having sex in my bathroom. I didn't want to have sex though. I was drunk.

And the tape was shown to my parents, and I just felt like a huge, violated fuck-up.

I really don't understand my dreams. The first time I had this sex/rape dream, I was like, seven.

As a kid, I never believed in anything, really. I didnt believe in Santa or any of that shit. I believed in global warming, overpopulation, and I knew about sex since... Forever. I can't even remember, but I knew.

Just like now, I believe that this world is full of misguided people.

Right and Wrong, Shoulds and Woulds. People who say "do what makes you happy" and then there's me.

I know I'm not supposed to be happy. I honestly think that I am the way I am because I balance people out. I make it so their maliciousness doesn't get the best of them.

Even at my age, horrible people exist.

Sometimes, I get selfish. Sometimes, I take the side I believe is right instead of balancing things out and everything goes bad.

No one else wants my job. I don't want my job, and I am not a good person, but I feel like everything will fall apart if I don't do this.

I know people will be sad if I kill myself, and I don't want anyone to blame themselves.

Besides, I already half-heartedly tried and I failed. You know, I figured that I just wouldn't wake up.

Here's advice. SKIP THE PILLS. Pop some gum instead.

I'm going to try cleaning my room.

If you ever want to see what a brat I was awhile ago, my old diary is called clevertrix. I never deleted it.

I also had another one called Boring Life of a Young Girl. I didn't delete that either, but it only has one entry now, haha.