LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2012-11-27 14:09:33 (UTC)

Bah

November 27, 2012 Tuesday 2:10 PM

"You Ugly Girls All Look So Pretty"
-Beekeeper's daughter, by The All American Rejects


My glasses are covered in shit. I woke up maybe a half hour ago. I'm so... Ugh! I never mentioned this on this diary, but I had a bad habit of missing school as much as possible without getting in trouble with my parents.

I really hope I don't start doing that again. It's just so hard to get up in the morning. I can't explain it, it's like all my thoughts are holding me down. Well, I guess I just did explain it.

But last night made me really feel like my-diary is a community. For the past two years, I've been writing on here and feeling like no one reads about my shitty life, haha. I mean, who would want to? I do the same thing every night.

Except for that one night where I took too many pills, every night I beat myself up. What's worse? My anger is coming back. This doesn't make sense, it should be going away. While I"m cutting, it should STAY AWAY. But it's not, it's coming closer and I threatened to stab my dad yesterday, and I wanted to.

I really wanted to. I wanted to slap him across the face with my notebook. I wanted to break something, even if it ended up being my own hand. One time, that happened. I didn't break it, but I slammed my hand so hard into the wall, I kept getting waves of pain for awhile.

But back to the community thing. Last night, my favorite diary (yes, favorite.) made it's last entry. :(

Initially, I was just really really upset, because her diary was a bright spot in my day. I didn't get to go through all her entries, but she seemed funny and cool. Something I would need at night, to lighten my mood.

So I read her last entry, and I was surprised to see her list some of the diary's I read, including my own. I read LiveToForget, BakedBarbie, and richboy. That's not all, but those are the one's she mentioned, and a few more I don't recognize.

It felt pretty cool, having someone read my diary.

Ok, I'm going to stop being stupid and sentimental, because it makes me feel weird. That's not who I am naturally. I learned you can't show people too much affection and gratitude for one action because it just scares people.

It scares me, just like growing up and finding someone I don't love, and maybe realizing "Hey, I'm a lesbian!" when I'm in my forties, but not telling my husband who is obviously cheating on me with the maid or something.

I'm just afraid of... everything. Sometimes, I see my dad get annoyed at my mom and I wince. I know that shouldn't make me so nervous, but it does. The one thing I hate more than myself is when I annoy people. I don't want to bother them.

Anyway, the diary girl (BiBarbie) reminded me of someone Lily talks to and calls her "big sister", Bailey.

I already have a big sister, but I've mentioned before that I have nightmares about her finding out about me cutting. I killed myself in one of those dreams, because I didn't want her to know about that.


If Ethan saw, I'm praying he keeps that to himself.

Which reminds me, I had a dream he showed up at our door in only his underwear and a shirt asking for his Obama Biden hat back.

I just gave him a look and told him we hadn't found it. I think I shut the door after that. He wasn't wearing pants. No, wait, he was. They were around his ankles.


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