I cut myself a lot last night. There are seven shallow cuts on my wrist, all very spaced. It's so annoying. They didn't even hurt. I wasn't even pressing hard. I only stroked those with my blades. They were only supposed to be temporary scrapes, but they became cuts. Such obvious cuts.
Idiot. I'm stupid.
Tuesday, I'm going to Lily's. I did etch "FAT" into my stomach and there are cuts all around it, too. Earlier, my sweater rode up a bit and I think Ethan saw a couple of cuts. He reached out to touch something I wailed, "Noooo!!" because I thought he was going to poke me in the side.
I then noticed my sweater had come up a bit, so I pulled it down. But my cuts. I think he saw it.
Just a couple days ago, i was admiring a cut free stomach with scars nearly faded to nothing. Even my legs were cut free.
I was cut free.
Except for my shoulder, where I cut sometimes because no one thinks to look there.
Wait. Why did I never change Ethan's name? That's his actual name, and he is my seventeen year old "brother"
I met him when him and my sister became friends. He seemed like a total douchebag, and I was right! He's a "juice"bag but a juicebag who buys me food and spends time with me and my sister.
Whenever we get together, me and Ethan tackle Caroline and tickle her, aha. I'm hoping Ethan goes to Bard College with my sister next year, and he's hoping to as well.
Ethan is like my brother. Even if he was the one driving when we got in a car accident (which he was, but its okay, forgive and forget).
For the car accident, I should thank him. Finally, some excitement in my life.
Anyway, I hope he didn't see the cuts. I told my mom I wanted to see that therapist again. She looked at me with a broken heart on her face and... I couldn't help it, I burst into tears.
But she asked me to remind her and I said I would. I'm still not sure about this. Going to a doctor means changing my lifestyle. Stop cutting. Stop pills. Stop smoking. Finding out who I am other than the pain.
Cause, honestly, cutting is not who I am. It didn't take all of me over. I am still silly and fun. It's genuine because that's when I've forgotten.
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