2012-11-25 04:10:02 (UTC)


4:10 AM

And if everything could just disappear. If the world could be as gray and hard as my insides. If only I could go out into the cold and pace across the porch until someone realized I was not right.

And I don't think its just depression. Anger. Anger and bitterness, unable to cope. The movie "It's Kind Of A Funny Story" keeps coming back to me, because of what the dude said to the depressed teen boy.

He said something like, he was so lucky, and smart, attractive, and talented. Had so much going for him. Reasons to live.

I guess I have intelligence.

I think... I think I ruined my own life. I think I won't have the energy to live much longer. I think tomorrow I am going to tell all my friends who *know* that I am better, completely happy. So they can stop worrying.

I think that is when I will be ready to be ready.

If only I was only an idea that never came to pass. If only my dad decided he would stay in the USA, or travel to Germany or Africa rather than Nicaragua.

I think I am crazy.

I paced back and forth, seven steps each way, for fifteen minutes without pause. "You look insane," said Ethan.

I laughed. Ha-ha. But I felt what he said was very true.

I just want to scream. And cry. And cut. And sleep. All the time. I just want someone to hug me and help me and care, but at the same time, I don't want to make them hurt.

Maybe its better if I just keep this to myself.

I need to scream. I need to scream and cry. I need to continuously etch "FAT" into my stomach, Neat lines on my wrist I didn't even mean to make, at first. I didn't think they would bleed.

I need to get out of here. Need to run. Why can't I sleep? Why can't I sleep?

If only I wasn't so stupid, so wanting.

I have told them, just now, that I am fine. They will get it by morning.

This is what I get. This is what i deserve. I don't want Lily to ever tell me anything again, because I'm just going to hurt her...

And Gillian either. I think I'm just going to end up making her sad....

I'm battling myself, yet somehow, I'm losing.

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