2012-11-24 12:11:59 (UTC)


November 24, 2012 Saturday 12:13 AM

I have a friend who used to binge/purge, which is Gillian. She didn't so much as eat a ton and then throw up, because she wasn't in too deep. She had only just began the cycle. I always wonder if she stopped.

Personally, I can cut myself because it is not scary, but throwing up for me has too many bad memories. I have made myself throw up before but that was to get too much acid out of my stomach before one of my organs failed, haha. I had to do it twice.

Drinking lots of water. Yesh, helps. But I don't want it to. I feel really bad right now. I think Gillian wanted me to stop reading her diary.Well, if she's reading this now, just tell me and I will, okay? It's just unclear.

Also, I don't think she could ever be fat. But thats not enough to convince someone. You can't see that in a mirror. Like me. All I see if fat, fat, fat. Ugly face. Words aren't enough, and I won't let anyone love me.

Every night before I go to sleep, I imagine I have a best friend. He's a boy. He climbs in through my window because he's my best friend and know that nighttime is hell for me, so he tries to replace thoughts and cuts with himself. He can't always be there, though. The two of us lie in bed, facing each other and talking. Occasionally, he might gently touch the scars but not really. Sometimes, he holds my hand, in a friendly way.

We never kiss. There is tension, but we never kiss. Sometimes, before we kiss, I fall asleep. I won't let us kiss unless it is right, and then I fall asleep before I can.

I have concluded that this means I will never let anyone love me. How can anyone love me if I can't love myself? So I'll push them away. You can't love me. No.

You don't know the mess you're getting yourself into.

The few boys who have crushed on me, I was brutal to. I never really knew why. Sometimes, I just ignored their requests or said we didn't know each other. I felt flattered, but the thing is, I don't know them and honestly, they won't "like" me if they knew me. That's just how it is.

I'm so afraid. Of everything. Of growing up and finding a boy and falling in love just to have him not love me back, and of finding someone else I love and having sex and being bad at it and getting married but not wanting to and having a kid but not knowing how to raise it and waking up early for work every morning but dreading the years to come.

My spouse accidently finding the love of his or her life, someone who is not me, but better. My spouse divorcing me and getting custody of the kid and then I'm left with exactly what I predicted. No love, no life, back to where I was when I was thirteen years old.

Compared to that, cutting isn't very painful at all.