November 23, 2012 Friday 3:23 PM
"I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me" -Congratulations, by MGMT
What if it was my fault Lily started cutting in the first place? What if I dragged everyone down when I fell into this dark pit of depression?
We used to share a diary, me and Lily. I recorded the first time I cut. A month or so ago, Lily told me she started cutting maybe a month after me.
We had been playing a game, where I answer any of her questions and she'll answer any of mine. She wanted to know about my life, so i told her, and then she told me. I included the exact date of when I first self-harmed, on November 12. And then she said she started in December.
I remember her reading my entry and asking me what the fuck I did to myself, but I lied rather horribly, like an attention-seeking bitch.
Maybe I accidently made her sad and that sadness just got stuck and hasn't found a way out except through blood and cigarettes and drinking and pills. And then it comes back because we're so confused as to what we want. If we want it to end, or we want it to continue until we just fade away.
I have been going through my old diary, deleting every entry like I'm deleting my past. It helps a bit, but not enough, because it also feels like pieces of me are disappearing. There was an entry titled "Dear Gillian". That was back when Gillian hated me because of what I did to hurt my close friend, Erica. I cyber bullied her and I have never felt more long-lasting guilt in my life. Two years and I'm still having nightmares. Erica forgave me almost as soon as she found out but I didn't stop feeling horrible.
The reason Erica found out was because of this girl I used to be friends with, Marina. We're not friends anymore, but I still know her. I told Marina about the fake facebook account and she said she wanted to create one called.. "Destiny" something because she wanted to hurt Gillian. They were best friends, but I guess sometimes, we can be horrible to those closest to us.
Anyway, Marina always does this thing where she blames everything on someone else. Most recently, she dug a wedge between Lily and Gillian when Gillian found out Lily read her diary. Marina read it to, but she said Lily showed her the diary. I know for a fact that is untrue.
Lily told me she had Gill's diary saved. Marina is at Lily's all the time, but Lily told me she is starting to dislike her or something. Anyway, Marina saw the link and clicked it.
Lily didn't want Marina reading it, so she shut the laptop quickly and wouldn't let Marina look at it.
Gillian and Lily have been friends for ever, but when Gill found out about her reading the diary, she refused to talk to Lily. It's funny, though, because she's now friends with Marina, even though they weren't friends before because Marina is a selfish cunt. No offense, but she doesn't care about anyone but herself.
Lily told me, Marina doesn't feel guilty. Marina never feels guilty for every way she hurts people. She finds ways to justify her actions.
But back to me. Marina told Gillian about my cyber bullying, and I know it was wrong, but Marina also lied about some of it. Marina told me to blame it all on Gillian, urging me to do it... So, I did. But Marina never told any of that to Gillian.
She does a pretty great job of fucking up everyone's lives. Marina even influenced me to cut myself.
Gillian, if you are reading this, I don't know why you forgave Marina. She only cares about you when you don't care about her. Marina likes to be abused so she feels like the victim. Marina hurts people. You and Lily have been friends forever.
I just feel slightly betrayed that you would choose this girl, who has hurt me and everyone else, a whole lot and you choose to believe what she says.
C'mon. Have some sense, please.