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November 22, 2012 Thursday 9:42 PM
"Female Robbery" by The Neighborhood
Random Quote: "And now, no one can hurt me. You see, I have this trick. Anything you can do to me, I already do to myself. And I hit harder than you ever could."
Not sure where it's from, I found it on another diary.
Today was much better than I expected, at least later in the day, thanks to Ethan. He made me feel less awkward around the hot twins so we actually had conversations. Not that I think they're interested in me. I am not attractive and I'm thirteen. They're fifteen or sixteen, with very nice faces and height, haha.
Earlier, though, I was having issues with my anger again. Last time, it got so bad I threatened to kill someone and I was totally serious. Totally willing to do exactly that, and it wasn't completely their fault. I was just horribly upset with being alive, I guess, but I didn't know, so i took it out on the first person to irritate me, which is almost always my dad. I love him and he's supernice and funny (even with his long, wild, gray einstein hair.) but he can be such an asshole. He is an expert on being a hypocrite. If he ever read that sentence, he would ignore it though, so I'm not going to bother to explain what I mean by that.
Anyway, some of that anger was coming back. It ended at some point, after I hit my head against the wall and broke a broom and smashed my alarm clock into a million useless pieces. A couple months later, I cut myself for the first time. It helped some.
That's the problem, I haven't been cutting and so the monster comes back. Sometimes, I just want to lie down and never do anything again. Other times, I'm so excited to be alive.
Today I just wanted to sleep forever. When my parents were irritated with me for not getting up to help, I got pretty angry, too. Only, I didn't have a reason. I just always have this knot of anger burning in my stomach, and when it rises like the sea, it sticks to my throat and my eyelids and my ears, and i just want to scream and kill someone. But I can't.
That's "socially unnacceptable".
I know I have anger issues. I know I should see a therapist, but the problem is, I don't want to waste her time. I don't even know if I am going to let myself get better, because I still don't know if I want to get better!