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2012-11-22 01:08:00 (UTC)

Maybe I Should Sleep

November 22, 2012 Thursday 1:02 AM

"Three Cheers For Five Years" by Mayday Parade (Acoustic)

Least favorite holiday: Thanksgiving, which is today. I can already feel the ghosts and demons coming back into my head, reading to nibble on my conscience in the confinement of my room with no one to save me. Lock on my door, music too loud but not loud enough to drown the monsters. Only one thing seems to get them to shut up, for a little while. Cutting. Then they come back stronger than ever before.

Bloodletting, getting rid of the poisons, I told myself, but I was just reinfecting myself, constantly. It was a lose/lose situation, but at least with cutting, there is a chance I;ll get caught and I'll get help. I'm going to talk to my mom about seeing that therapist,

but I keep remembering last time I almost saw her. I got nervous. I feel like such a big faker, like I don't deserve any help, not as much as other people. It's not fair, and I just don't want another person in this world to have to look at me and hate me the way I hate myself. How can they not?

I find that too hard to imagine.

Not going out tonight. Lily's tired, I guess. Now, I'm alone with my thoughts, staying up only to torture myself. I should go to bed.

You know, my feelings are like the ocean. The waves are really pretty big, even on a nice day. They still sweep over me and pull out all the good thoughts, begging me to slip into the undertoe.

Sometimes, I take showers and just lie in the tub until the steaming water ends up filling the tub, over my face. I come up for the occasional breath, holding my nose.

I like it better than being alive.