2012-11-21 22:30:46 (UTC)


10:32 PM

"Wasting Away" by Tonight Alive

Tonight, I'm planning on going out. Lily and I usually have nightly meeting, varying between like midnight and three in the morning. It's harder as it gets colder, but I would do anything to talk to someone.

I'm a really lonely person. Since Saturday, when I kind of not really accidently overdose, after I made myself feel like a total douche bag faker, I promised myself I would NOT kill myself. Probably.

I don't believe in anyone's God, therefore I do not believe in hell. I don't want to think we're waiting for anything after death. It seems pretty pitiful. Faith in the afterlife that might not exist. So tragic, living for something that won't be there when it's over. Realistically, your conscience, your soul, is in your mind, and when you die, I think all that dies with you. Everything needs a life source and a science, so heaven and stuff? Just very unrealistic to me, but I don't know. I'm thirteen, almost fourteen. What do I know?

Last week and the months before, I had given up on trying. Everything I turned in was half-assed, yet somehow, I still managed to get A's, mostly. It's because, I really do care, I want to stay alive, but I also keep looking down the dark path of death. How tempting, to just forget everything.

And then, if I'm dead, maybe everyone's view of me will be different of me. Right now, I think I'm seen as:

Very annoying.

I wish I could see myself through their eyes. Just to hate myself more.

I want to be seen as trustworthy, a best friend, someone you couldn't live without. Instead, I'm seen as younger and I am not anyone's best friend, which means I have no one really to confide in.

Hi, diary. That's why you are here. You've been with me since the very beginning, when my self-harm first began, on a different diary, shared with other people. Anyway, I've changed a lot.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice. About? I don't know, how about stealing someone's life and looks and personality? Yeah, thanks.

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