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2012-11-21 22:11:21 (UTC)

It's All Over

November 21, 2012 Wednesday 10:11 PM

"It's All Over" by The Broken Family Band

I deleted all my entries from before, dating back to the beginning of September. It was cluttering my mind and my atmosphere.

So, life for me. Not that much different from how it has been for awhile. I have depression. My closest friends are (not there real names) Gillian and Lily. I also know some really cool people called: Aaron, Aid, and Laney.

I have an older sister. She's almost nineteen and she attends Bard College in New York, an hour away from where I live. Let's call her Caroline.

My parents are great. They love me, and they let me do practically anything. We have intelligent discussions, and none of my problems are their fault. I just want them to know that.

Most of my cousins and other relatives live several states away, my mom's half lives all the way in another country, Nicaragua. So, yeah, it's just my mom, dad, and me. I can't really talk to my friends.

Aaron makes fun of me and teases me a lot, but she's just joking. Besides, who would want to know what goes on inside my head? I'm not important. Unfortunately, I'm not even attractive. I hate it. Looking at myself in the mirror everyday, wincing when I see it. So hideous. Like a gremlin. To the point where I'm afraid to where colored pants, or do my hair differently, because I hate when people look at me.

Even when one of my closest friends, Lily, plays around and leans against me when we're watching a movie, god. It hurts so much just to make eye contact with anyone.

I have depression. I'm not sure if my self-esteem is why, but it definitely factors in. Sometimes, selfishly, I wish everyone's idea of beauty was what I am. But it's not. I am fat and ugly. At some point, I started cutting myself, and then taking pills.

It got very bad. I overdosed. Didn't tell my parents. I am still experiencing the symptoms, but they're nothing compared to what I felt that day. If you wake up with a horrible ache in your stomach, feeling like you might puke, and there is a ringing in your ears, YOU HAVE TAKEN TOO MANY PILLS. THESE ARE DEFINITE, PROVEN SYMPTOMS OF OVERDOSE. I didn't take too much, so I knew I would be fine, or at least, I hoped.

I still cut myself. It gets deeper all the time, and the scars stay longer than they did.

I feel horrible, because Lily is also very depressed, and sometimes I feel like I'm only exposing her to more bad shit. Like, we smoked together a couple of times, and now, I'm buying weed from my friend, named Aid and I even said we could share when she said she wished she could smoke some.

That's my life, I guess.

I just need to try harder, right?