All that is
Ugh when I think of the last time I was really happy about something, I think of Dvy. I actually thought that would lead some place, and I don't know what happened. but it just ceased to exist. he went to cinque terra on holiday with his mother and sister and then it was as if he'd timed that perfectly so that we would not speak after that. because when he came back that was exactly what happened. I don't know, and I can't tell you why or what I may have done or said but he just came back and stopped talking to me. He didn't even tell me when he came back, I had to just guess (when I knew he said two weeks so I gave it the maximum amount of time there could be, holidays, time the 'recover' from the trip, and to get back into the swing of things). then I waited. but nothing. and it was a wait that killed me nearly, i was like a zombie for weeks nothing would do. no amount of food and takeaway would do, and i actually put on weight during that period. I saw him last on the 7th of september on a friday. he'd booked tickets for les miserable, and I looked forward to it like i'd never looked forward to a date in my life. I know i'm inclined to read into things, but booking tickets for a musical isn't to be looked upon casually. so I was definitely under the impression that he liked me. a lot. I liked him tonnes too. after the musical we went back to my place, and did the dirty. he's the best hands down i think i've ever had. better than ben, better than anyone else i've claimed to be a stud in the past. we were definitely on the same level in that area and liked the same things. then the next day he texted to say he was going to pick his mum up from the airport, (again information that i considered valuable) and i texted back to say has she been here before? and I didn't get a response. at first i thought i'll be patient he's probably tending to his mum and sister, then the next day still nothing so I said maybe he flew before he could respond. and at this point i thought it's gotta be a signal problem i mean my mind went berserk with excuses - i googled cinque terra and mobile phone signals online, i asked friends whether they could receive texts while on holiday, eve msged me to say she didnt get my text as she was in france and that backed up my suspicion and i said that MUST be the reason because it was strange for him to not reply to a question. i even trolled forums titled 'does your boyfriend text/call you when he's on holiday' and sure he wasn't a boyfriend but that was the closest thing i could find to put my mind to rest. then as i didn't know when he was actually coming back but thought it would be near, it shames me to say i even called his work place pretending to be someone else wanting to speak to him. I would say 'i called a few days ago and was told he was on leave,any idea when he will be back?' and nobody knew of course. so i waited out an entire 3 weeks to ensure that he was back in london before sending a second txt, which read something along the lines of 'hope cinqa tera was awesome, i spent the last few days camping and got completely drenched.. aside from that it was fun haha. would like to invite you over for dinner and possibly a friendly game of chess if you fancy it?' I'd actually didn't go camping, i was just making for something interesting to talk about. I sent that on the 2nd of October and didn't hear back. So I was on the verge of letting it go, wen i thought maybe he's lost his phone? so I'll have one more stab at it before calling it a day. i just want to know the truth so i can have closure. so i decided to call him with an unknown number to see whether he'd answer. but the problem was if he answered i would know he was still on the same number but just didn't want to talk to me, which would give me the answer. but being my psycho self I almost wanted to talk to him whether he liked it or not and if i called using my mobile to withold the number but then proceeded to converse with him after he said 'hello' it would look weird like i just wanted to catch him (which i did of course) but i couldn't call him if my ID in case he didn't answer when i rang. so i needed to withhold my number but i needed a legitimate reason to do so. So i called him with skype. I called once and he didn't answer and i called a second time an hour later, and he answered after 3 rings. my heart skipped. he answered 'hello, dvy speaking...' and i said 'Hi' with exaggerated excitement hoping it be contagious enough to be passed onto him. and there at that moment, i couldn't believe it we were reunited! then my exaggerated excitement turned into real excitement at the thought that we were speaking once again and how clever i was to not just let him pass me by like that, which was probably detectable in my voice, but still not in his. then we talked about how were were, i said 'sorry to call u with a withheld number, my phone got lost, druken night etc, i think i eitehr left it at a bar or in a taxi and he said ah that's unfortunate, then he said 'sorry to not have texted you, i've been really busy, my mum's just left' he said his mum had just left, and that his sister came and stayed over as well and that's why he'd been really busy (to which i initially thought typical excuse, if you want to text someone u like, u do it, but then brushed it off in the light and in the spirit of this conversational reunion) and i jokingly remarked on what a good son he was to put them up and give up his bed to his mum and sister. then he queried a bit about the logistics of the telephone call if i had lost my phone, i said i still had your number from spare room, so i just looked it up and called. then he talked about his job interviews and how much they would offer him. he was currently on £60 - 70k, and his potential offer at an oil company would have been £140k. so that was the one he was hoping to get. then i mentioned a few things about me, and he talked about how busy he was with preparation for his interview and how actually he was preparting for one right now due tomorrow (to which immediately red flags came up for me as that just sounded like he was looking for an exit route.) then I said so did you maybe want to come over for dinner next week, and and the hesitation or apprehension at what his response may be, must have come through in my tone, because he immediately said 'no no no, i do, I'm keen i've just been really busy and have a lot on right now, my sister's moved in with me so we're still sorting out the move, but we can sort something out for net week. I was like ok, cool. then i said how was the holiday and he said did you want to see pictures? and i said yea sure, so he logged into skype and gave me his skype details but then i realised i would have to hang up as i was calling his mobile, and call him again on his skype. and i was so highly strung i didn't want to risk it. so I decided to keep it as it was. then it got to the point in the conversation where he was giving me signs (or at least that's how i read it) of wanting to go. he wasn't making much effort to fill in any blanks, or pauses, so i thought (though it was difficult to do), that i'd end it. so i said 'well i'll leave you to your interview prep' and he said 'yeah, thanks' the fact that he said thanks as well really struck me - you only really say that if you feel that person's doing you a favour by hanging up, whether you realise it or not. the i said shall i give you my email address, and he was like 'no, no it's fine now you've got my number just give me a text when you're back to your old number, and we'll sort something out. then having no other choice but to oblige, i said 'ok' then we said bye. then about 3 or 4 days later on the 15th of october to be precise i texted him saying 'hey my phone was handed in at a police station in croydon by a cab driver, nevertheless. it was such a trek to go and pick up, so lesson learned. how did your interview go? I got no response until 5pm the next day which read hey,,thats so lucky hahaha interivw went well will hopefully hear shortly, sorry just been really busy,how are you? to which i replied the next day in the morning, 'glad it went well got 1 in 2 weeks excited/nervous I'm good been hectic the past few weekends so I'm in need of a chill out. any exciting plans this week? to which he did not respond, and so i left it at that. that was a month ago yesterday. seems so much longer than that to be honest. so much has happened since. I know we only saw eachother a few times but the first time we met it wasn't even a date. I could sense something about him that was honest, but also cheeky. we'd been planning to meet for a few weeks after meeting on spare room. I saw his pic and thought he was gorgeous immediately and so i invited him over for a viewing even though what he was after was not in match to our flat. but he responded with sorry i don't think it will work, so then i thought fine i'll put a photo of myself up there just like he's done so that he can get a look at me, then i'll strike up a convo. so i did just that and said 'i find it interesting that you work at x company, my dad worked there too (my daddy never did) then i asked how he was finding it, and he responded with a lenghty and enthusiastic enough email to tell me he saw my pic and took interest. then i responded and he did to that, but this time he said 'this is a bit different but did you want to catch up for a drink sometime? most of my friends are kiwis and it would be nice to meet a genuine londoner....' so i said yes (but more like YES!!!!!!!) here's my number. but then i didn't hear back and figured he'd didn't get it in time because when i looked back on his profile it said he had gone off the site as he'd found a room. it was over 2 weeks or so but i couldn't get him out my mind, and frustratingly there was this sign on one of the buildings on my bus route back home which had the name of his company on it, so everytime i saw it i thought of what could be. luckily i had his mobile number so i texted him thinking it was in vain, (wording the text in such a way that it sounded like i'd been the busy one and just only had time to get in touch - i said i'd been meaning to text...) but about 3 days later he responded and was like i've been at a wedding, blah blah we still have to have that drink. that was on the afternoon of my house bday party. so we planned to meet for the week after as he was away. I'd literally never had a wait that long. I don't know what happpend in between but he must have ruled out a few weeks in block because we finally met on the 17th of august. and even then it was initially meant to be a thurs but he moved it to a fri. so literally it was like the longest wait that week and the longest buildup to see anyone i've ever had. (I genuinely think now, that the longer the buildup, the more you like the person when you see them, and the longer you like them for) but when the friday came i couldn't believe it, like i was so hyped for it. then when 5.30 came i started getting ready, and when i started making my way to monument where we'd planned on meeting, again longest journey ever and couldnt' believe i was finally going to meet him. god i sound like a lunatic, but really i think the wait just made all my feelings so disproportionate, and exaggerated. So then I walked into the bar, and found him sitting on a table by the door. i wasn't immediately thinking 'wow he;s gorgeous' I thought his face was smaller somehow and he was generally smaller than what i'd envisaged. he was also sweating a little bit too. but then i sat down and when we got into conversation and he got up to get a beer and i had a chance to assess his 'air' and demeanor, i decided he was sexy. his eyes - he had his sleepy eye thing going on, like especially when he was trying to explain a work-related concept that i wasn't fmiliar with, which only made him even more sexy. then his smile as well was gorgeous and i could feel our chemistry growing by the second. then we ended up somewhen sitting with our legs touching and quite close together. and i could feel the muscles on his calf clench and unclench against the side of mine. it was sexy as hell. at that point i think it was clear we both fancied eachother. so we stayed there talking and the conversation flowed so easily. then it was time to kick us out. and it was obvious we didnt' want it to be over but i genuinely had in mind to go home. but then when we walked outside the bar he said 'do you want to walk over the bridge (tower bridge it was) and I said yeah let's. then we did, and ended up at london bridge area, where we walked down a arch way and i was trying to figure out where we were and how we could get to waterloo where more bars were likely to be open. then as i turned by back to him (he was still walking up to the map column on the street) to read the map, a few moments later, i felt him come up behind me, his hands around my waist, and his mouth on my neck. then when he saw i didn't try to stop him he slowly turned me to face him and we began kissing. it. was. hot. im even horny now thinking about it, and this happened in august. then i muttered something about the direction we had to take to get to waterloo, 'we have to go down this road' i said, pointing in the direction, then the said in an almost put-on voice he said 'and then where?...' and before i could answer, he kissed me again. harder this time. I hadn't kissed or slept with anyone since late april. and so i was gagging for it. so we walked down the river and stopped at a point near blackfriars bridge on one of the piers. we saw a couple leaving the pier after having done what it seemed we were about to go and do. so we walked down the pier almost passing the couple as they walked out, and made our way to the end. where we stopped and ferociously kissed. it became more and more suggestive, the touching the rubbing the grinding the moaning, the turning around so my bum was to his crotch, then him literally simulating slow motion stand up doggy style, that it was obvoius what we both wanted to do. it must have been about an hour or so just stood there indulging ourselves. i was waiting for him to ask to go back to mine. but he didn't seem to. and i was soooo wet at this point. he had a massive hard on too, and i could feel through his trousers that he was pretty big. so eventually i said let's go back to my place 'to which he cheekily (but in retrospect, with a knowing and coy smile), 'yeah i think we better do that..' then we hailed a cab and got back to mine. it was awesome, as firstly i hadn't been with anyone in ages. then he was so good too. in the morning i was woken up by his hard-on and we had sex again before we even siad good morning. then some more and again. we just kept starting and stopping. just enjoyint the feel of it not necessarily wtih the end goal. it must have happend up to 10 times - we watched carnage, and ordered take away. we just gelled so well, it wasn't like 'we'd just met' sex. it felt like something substantial. he missed his tennis that afternoon and didn't leave until 5pm, and texted me when he left to say he'd had a good time etc etc and enjoy ted. as i was going to the movies that evening. then we texted through out the week it felt liek something was there, i felt he liked me but i also felt like i still needed to impress him, which was nice. i went to a traditional wedding on september 1st and i told him i was there and he asked questions about the clothes and the culture, and i siad i'd text him photos, to which he responded 'yes please do, also send me one of you in your dress'
I even told robbie about him and sophie too which is so unlike me, as i generally don't talk about my hook-ups since they never come to anything,.then just when i'd started getting nervous that i'd given it to him too soon he texted and siad would like to go to see phantom of the opera? and i was ecstatic. so of course i said yes. when friday came to see the musical we watched it (ended up seeing les miserables) him resting his hand on my thighs, and we had dinner afterwards. then back to mine for a repeat of the weekeds prior. we were just on the same level sexually - he liked to dominate and i like to be submissive. he had a rape fantasy which he kind of let out on me. he was on top of me, we were shagging and through his breathlessness, he asked me to push him off me. the more i pushed the harder the went and more aggresive he became. this was the morning after. we had sex again like around 8 times i think. and he said 'everytime i touch you i want to have sex with you'...jokingly. i don't know if it was just me, but i could sense soemthing had changed. there was something almost resolute in his behaviour like he'd made up his mind about something and knew that something was about to change and he'd accepted it. but i brushed it off and we still had fun though showing each other things we liked online. but then this has happened.
the guy was perfect or seemed perfect anyway, he was 27, great job, great looking, smart, amazing shag, sexy.... i don't know, seriously what's the matter with me? I dont even know why i thought this would be any different. i just thought that this would be it.
then right now i'm talking with a few guys - and i went out on a first date with a guy on friday night, and actually he turned out to be much better looking than i was expecting. so we went to karaoke to meet his mates and his mates were all antipodean like him and fun and goodlooking. but as we entered the bar, i noticed a girl who looked incredibly familiar and i wasn't sure why, but then just as the reason why was about to be known to me, i realised i'd never met her before, i'd only seen her pictures, then i saw his face. it was ben, not the journalist, but the very first guy i slept with almost 5 yrs ago when i was a newbie in london. his girlfriend. so in all of london, whilst on a first date, i manage to go to a bar and spot my first. i hate to say it, but i could have done with not seeing him and his girfriend, who by the way was stunning as hell, great smile, great skin great hair. had that mixture of cute and sexy going on. was petite but also tall - like how the fuck is that even possible? anyways that was that. then i realised ben has spotted me at some point later in the evening but i didn't think much of it. except when he was leaving with his girl friend we caught each others eye and there was a definite knowing look there. then he broke eye contact first and left.
I've just realised that sometimes when you think you're crying about 'x', but under the pretence of 'y' but you think you won't let yourself admit to, it's not necessarily the case. I've just realised that its because 'x' defeats you to the extent of emotional exhaustion leaving you with no more energy to maintain whatever mask or shield you wore to stop you feeling or reacting to all the hurtful things that have happened. you suddenly feel them the way you not let yourself feel them before. And you react accordingly.
i've just had with them about going to unc ejik's wake and not telling them about it. my daddy is blatantly using this as an opportunity to draw her to his side some more. douche. could hear him in the back ground saying all sorts of shit. Obviously it's made me really upset completely ruined my sunday night, i'd planned on wathcing some sitcoms, movies, some shows doing some research, but that's been completely stripped out of me. to think that when i woke up today i had so much get up and go and energy. but now i'm feeling completely drained. that's what talking with him/sometimes them, does to me. it catapaults you to a place of just sudden negative contemplation, despair almost, and any ounce of entusiasm you once had a moment ago for whatever it was you were doing or intending to do, or any joy you had at that moment, just escapes you! I can't explain it. It's just whenever they call it's always to moan about something, and more recently since unc ejk passed away, to shout at you about something or bad mouth his widow to you. its stressful. and they wonder why we don't answer their calls. the more they complain about our lack of communication the more i want to run away from it all, it makes me want to disassociate myself completely with anything to do with that world - the people, the culture, the custom, everything. much less now, i can't see myself marrying a 'g'rian. I suspect that's why (and has always been why) i go for brits, europeans. cos that would give myself and any kids i have the best chance at getting away from all this bullshit.