hopelessly bored

trial and error
2012-11-12 11:31:06 (UTC)

knocked up

so its been awhile...
a long while.

and yes i'm still engaged and what not, not married just yet but it has taken a back seat because i found out in august that kyle & i are having a baby.

which is really crazy when you think about it, but life happens and what can you do?

i was scared at first, and sad because i selfishly thought it meant the end of me living for me, but then i realized that is an empty and shallow way to live anyway

and i have my 'husband' to live for as it is and now we are going to have our daughter!

thats right, its a girl.<3 and we are going to name her ivy violet, and she will be here in mid-march. i can't wait to meet our daughter, i know she will be so smart and amazing and beautiful. i already love her so much and i haven't met her yet, but i feel like i have because every day i

its weird because i never really saw myself becoming the person i am today, but here i am, and i'm happy... well as happy as i can be given the fact that i am pregnant... not only is it uncomfortable and makes me wake up several times every night to take a pee, but our sex life is pretty much non existent and when we do actually do the deed its just kind of awkward cuz i have this huge belly in the way and it makes me feel fat.. oh and then theres the fact that im always in pain and cant take anything for it because its not good for the baby, and i cant smoke or drink, go to concerts because its too loud and rough... all i really do is sit at home and think about how it will all be worth it when she gets here :)

basically what i'm saying is being pregnant has turned me into a recluse. i'm having really bad anxiety lately about kyle dying or something bad happening to the baby. i seriously cant sleep at night because i worry about these things. i worry about him dying in a car crash on his way to work, or about me falling as i walk to class and hurting the baby, or about me accidentally doing something that is bad for her without realizing it and she ends up getting really hurt :( its so much responsibility, having this kid inside me, and the thought of losing kyle is just as bad because through all of this he has been my support and i just dont know how i could manage this pregnancy and raising our daughter without him.

and honestly, as horrible as it may sound coming from a mom-to-be and a very visibly pregnant chick, i think my anxiety would be better if i could smoke weed (which, if you havent read anything else, thats something i do quite often) but i would never do that while pregnant because me being high means that the baby would be high, and what a horrible thing to do to an innocent baby. before i would always smoke when i was anxious and it really, really helped, but now i just tough it out because god only knows how that could impair my poor child's brain development or anything else about her. its just not worth it to me, for her to miss out on some important part of her development so i can be comfortable without anxiety.

and i'm even worried about doing it after she's born, because its illegal and i cant afford to get in trouble with the law because i NEED to be there for my baby, buts its horrible because i have suffered from anxiety my entire life and nothing else has EVER helped. and the fact that it helps me and still allows me to function in my normal daily routine is amazing. i need to make a decision about this though. i think i might try to apply for a medical card, i mean shit, if those fuckers will give me 3 different prescriptions of anti-depressants back in the day when i actually thought those things could help, they could give me some medical marijuana that actually DOES help me. in all honesty, what good is a mother who is always freaking out about stupid shit? not that i would EVER smoke in front of my baby, i'd actually prolly buy a vaporizer cuz i wouldnt want her to have to breathe that shit in. god dammit. i dont think this makes me a bad parent, but the idea of doing anything to jepordize my ability to take care of my child literally makes me want to cry, and then the vicious cycle starts again and i'm a nervous wreck.

i'll write more in another entry, i hate when these things get super long




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