Letter to my wife
After discussion on financial separation. I decided to write my wife a letter which I read to her.....
I am writing this note to you because I am not sure I will be able to articulate all the things I want to say properly tonight after discussing the financial separation.
There are so many things to say and have been said but I want to just concentrate on what is important. I have spent the last few weeks emotionally alone querying deep inside me to find out what I want, what is valuable to me and what I need. I have searched my soul deep down and every time I come up with the same thing…YOU.
I don’t need or want anything else but you, I love you and I have tried to make you see how sorry I am, in my own way. Telling my parents and our Pastor lewd details about me was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life but I had to do it to try and save my marriage. I am still fighting for it because it is all I want. I am not this person who is putting investment in his name, or scheming to do different things, I wish you could see my heart. I wish for a chance to proof how much I truly care about you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. To be honest it will be so easy for me to do as that is all I want to do, my heart yearns for that.
I have had a swollen heart in the past year and I have struggled but what has and still is motivating me is the hope that I may against all the odds have a chance to prove my love for you. I have never had any intentions of cheating you I will never to that. For me, the comfort I have is when you and the children are comfortable. Unfortunately I got myself into a financial twist so all the money I am chasing is not for any glorified wealth or comfort but to pay my debt. Luxury and comfort to me is living happily with my family, material things (yes, I like) but are very secondary and not necessary for me. What now wakes me up in the morning is the hunger to succeed, to succeed as a husband and father first of all. This hunger translates to a drive to be a better person and make you and the children proud of me.
Where do I start from….I regret nothing more in life than what I have done to you. I will never be able to fully express how sorry I have been and will be for the rest of my life.....I am so sorry.
What I did was wrong, terrible and I deserve what I get no matter how I look at it you do not deserve the grief, anger, hurt and bitterness I have caused you.
I am my biggest critic, and no matter how I spin it, I know I have failed and badly at that. I have failed as your husband, I have failed as your trustee, I have failed as your confidant, I have failed as your lover, I have failed as your soul mate, I have failed as your partner, I have failed as your rock. I have failed as a Christian and I have failed God.
My personal remit was to make you happy but I have ended up filling you with so much unhappiness and hurt. I don't know how to proof it but I am not seeking any material gain, the only gain I seek for is your forgiveness.
I want to fight, fight to make you happy again, fight to be the husband that I should be, fight to fill you with so much joy and love. You are everything to me, I have been through so much soul searching and realised that you are all that matters to me.
It is difficult for me to watch what has become of us, especially the pain you are feeling, I have so much sorrow and regret in my heart, I want to express my deep remorse for the way I have hurt you and destroyed our bond. You deserve better but I failed you miserably.
My unfaithfulness smacks of disrespect to you, when I was in it I didn’t realise it but now I can see so clearly. I was also irresponsible with my finances and I have let you down badly. I have betrayed your trust in me in every way possible. I am sorry for the stress of copying with this fall out. I have found courage to be a better man but unfortunately there is nothing I can do to undo the past. I know you are feeling so much pain in your heart because of how much you trusted me and sad to say I deserve everything I get. It is a lot to expect that you could trust me again and I will have to accept that whatever you choose to do is a result of my actions and a function of your need to survive and protect yourself.
I have learnt so much in the past year and this awakening has allowed me to change my life and relationship my relationship with God. I do recognize that I cannot force you to do anything that is against your will. I have heard you but I have the greatest urge to love you, hold you, say sorry and comfort you. I miss you terribly....