BigSis

A Journey
2012-11-09 04:35:29 (UTC)

evolution... but not yet.

Lately, my emotions have been up and down. "Undulating", i guess would be the correct word. i learned that word from a cartoon character. i forget the name of the show. "the undulatin's the best part", the chaaracter said.

sometimes i feel strong. almost at peace. he's not coming home. he's okay. he's on another journey. (<--my favorite) i tell myself these things to deal with the pain. knowing that he's on the next leg of the Journey gives me such peace though. he's such a traveler. such a voracious appetite for everything that's going on around him. he's such a student. an awesome student.

some days ,i'm okay. but lately, not so much. and with this motherfucking party coming up this weekend... the more i even think of the party, the more anxious i feel. how am i supposed to party?? PARTY?? my brother isn't with us! don't these fucking women understand that?? they're going on and on and on about their outfits and party decorations, and i just want to look them in the face and ask, and scream, "DON'T YOU FEEL THAT HOLE IN THE WORLD????"

of course they don't. of course i realize that the hole is in my world, my family's world.. but only our world. of course i realize that that train of thought is illogical and these women aren't pissing me off on purpose. of course. but it doesn't make the moments any better.

i just want the whole world to acknowledge him.

it's weird, but this whole thing has helped me handle other, smaller things far, far better than i otherwise probably would have. i left shit just roll off my back. that one girlfriend who is stuck in "angry black woman" mode? meh... what do i care? let her vent.

i'm mildly freaking out about this jobless situation though. like... this shit is NOOOOOOTTTTT cool. but even that pales sharply in comparison to missing Dom. i still can't bring myself to say he's not living. not alive. not alive??! nah. that cannot be true. that just cannot be the reality.

i don't even know anymore.

i think i'm finally gonna get grief counseling. i just gotta find somewhere that offers it for free.

i can't stop thinking that, i miss being happy. having moments of free, unencumbered happiness. i miss him. i miss being happy. i miss my family being whole. i miss not being so scared all the time. i miss not seeing and hearing the fear in my parents. i miss feeling somewhat sure of the ground underneath one's feet, versus feeling like any moment now, someone's gonna pull the rug from underneath you... oh i fckng hate that feeling.




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