Fallen from Grace
2012-11-09 04:41:29 (UTC)


Damn Diary this week has been weird. The days… nights are just a blur of light and darkness. I got up yesterday at 630am… I went to bed at 430am this morning. I was up again at 730. I do not know how I do it. I have been in my feelings about the fact I cannot find work. It has been weighing me down. I was up all night long merging two websites I had made before that were serving me no purpose. I have lost my sense of direction. I couldn’t tell you if I was coming or going but yesterday I said to myself… I am not getting a better hand so I got to make due with what I have. I can’t find a job… Why not make one. I finished the site and posted a couple ads that I got a few hits on. I even got positive feedback on the site. I even got a pretty good lead on a client. I will know as of Monday-ish. I am hopeful and its hard not to get my hopes up.

So yesterday we went and got my license switched to a Florida Drivers License. I was thinking back on the day I got it. I felt so accomplished. It was my ticket to independence. I would just look at it sometimes and feel like I can do anything. Then I remembered Her and I breaking apart. I stopped looking at it. Most people hate there picture… Me well I hated the address on it. I called it home for a while. I had such good memories of her… of the children’s laughter echoing through my mind as they did through the halls of the house. I only see the good memories looking back. Do I miss her? Sometimes I miss the friend she was to me. She got me through some really dark hours. She helped me understand who I am. I miss the way she made me feel safe. I got closure when I got the Florida License in my hand with no address that poison my thoughts at times. I was reminded how much it meant to me to be able to get that. I could feel the blood leave my face… I took a deep breath and said Goodbye I hope you are happy where ever you are in life. I am finally starting to love myself again. I know its because I got the unconditional support of my Partner and that is a good feeling. I just hope he feels the same about me. I am ready to let go off all who I left behind and move forward. I do not need them anymore.