All that is
KILL ME NOW
So right this very minute (despite not logging on here for months, due to a variation of existential and emotional obstacles, and admittedly some laziness), right this very minute, I've decided to write down EVERY humiliating/embarrassing experience i have ever had which still haunts me to such an extent as to make me shout out loud or under my breath regardless of where I happen to be, such expletives as "OH MY FUCKING DAYS!!" and "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?!!" or "FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK!!!" on the rare occasion when my mind innocently (or maliciously??) wanders past these dormant memories, disturbing and momentarily waking them causing few seconds of literal chest pain - that elusive pain which is triggered only by the kind of embarrassment related to the unexpected revelation of your inexperience, naivety or just sheer stupidity. In a bid to face these bastards head on, I shall lay them out bare, as and when they come and taunt me.
1. First date with B.Anderson - Sat in an award winning Japanese restaurant in Clapham North. Him: 34 yr old independent, intelligent, range rover-driving professional. Me: 19 yr old Student, Bashful and overwhelmed by the 6'3 tower of brilliance, worldliness and sexiness sat opposite me, mixture of amazement and confusion at his blatant attraction towards me and seemingly sincere interest in what I have to say. This is a REAL man for goodness sake. We touch on the typical first date topics, before moving onto religion and politics - his preferred arena, being a journalist and war correspondent. We discuss the crisis in the middle east, and we move on to the people and the women to be specific, and he begins talking about his ex who was from iran, and how spoiled she was etc and I made a comment along the lines of 'yeah arab women have been known to be spoiled' and after that was said I waited for, and almost expected his affirmation in the form of perhaps an "..I know.." or a "that's true".. but the wait lingered for a second too long and I knew something I'd said was off.. to try and save face, I anticipated what this might have been and quickly went back on myself, saying "..well not spoiled, just..." but before I could finish, he cut in and with a blank, and what I could only read as a slightly disappointed and pitying look, said 'Iran isn't an arab country.' all I could say was 'Oh...' and try to sweep over it with an 'well you know what i mean...' talk, to which he responded by removing his gaze from my face and fixing it on the food he was cutting up.. Thinking about that makes me die every time. Hopefully, now I've written it, if i read it enough times, it will cease to have the same effect. we'll see.
2. AAAAGHHHHH just thought of another one!! So the ex house mate.