the things i should say
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2012-11-01 02:21:57 (UTC)

Dear Diary, I'm sorry for my..

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for my absence. I really haven't been feeling too up to par with myself about anything at this point. I really don't want to always talk to you on a sour note, but it's just times like these when I really want to talk to you-- or have somebody to talk to. I don't feel like my friends are enough. They listen, but... I don't think they know how I feel. Just, well, let me get started on a couple of things..

I just had dinner, just minutes ago. It was good stuff, and I enjoyed my dinner, but there was just always somebody there to ruin it, almost all the time.. and that was my dad. I don't if he's mad at me or angry with me for what I've been doing(I don't know WHAT I'm doing wrong to make him feel so mad), but he's been really off lately, and scolding me for things I really don't need. I'm not going to go in details since I don't feel like it, but I.. really don't know anymore. I'll just let my dad yell at me, just anything to make him feel better, I guess. He's just so stressed with himself all the time, he's always thinking too much.. I really just want to tell him to calm the fuck down and handle with it. He's getting pissed at me cause I left my umbrella at school. For your information dad, I did that on purpose. I'm not fucking dumb, it's just it's really troublesome to bring it back and fro when it really isn't raining. If it's raining, then I'll bring it, okay? I'm not five years old anymore. I can handle at least these matters by myself.

I have a performance I have to go to for eighth grade night at school tomorrow. I bet my dad's gonna come up and yell at me for joining a choir that requires so much work... Chinese parents just don't fucking understand. If I want to do something, then I'll do it. If you worried about my safety about going home, then just say so. Please don't yell at me, tell me I'm dumb, then insult me to make sure I get the point. Trust me, it'll be as effective if you tell me in a polite way. You know, like how parents are supposed to talk to their kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, it's just he's unbearable most of the time. Worse thing is, I can never tell him what's on my mind if he doesn't seem like he wants to hear it. He says that it's okay to argue with him if I have contradicting points of view, but then he backlashes me with all this other bullshit that makes me feel like a dumbass at the end of the conversation I hate it. I fucking hate it. I have enough of this shit with my personal life and I don't need parents to be like this too. It's fucking dumb.

But, whatever. I'll handle it/get through it like I do with most other things. If he's gonna yell at me? Fine with me, it's been like that for the past 17 years, I'm not expecting him to change anymore. If I have a performance tomorrow that ends at 6:30, then so be it. I have to make it, or else I'll fail the class. Did you get that, dad? I'm going to fail that class then you're gonna be mad at me even more so than you do now. How's that for a dishonorable daughter...

But really, I think I'm going to be okay. I felt like I've been through a lot these few years in high school, and although I feel like I've been on a emotional rollercoaster, I'm feeling fine. I just can't wait to get to college.

As for "pongchong" and his little girltoy? Fuck him. He can die in a ditch, for all I care. Everytime I see his face I just feel myself boil up and wanting to bitch-slap that little shit in the face. I can't seem to find a real reason for me to hate him, but all I know that I hate him with every bit of my being. I despise him, and I wish I never knew this guy. A person that doesn't value friendship ain't valuable to me at all. Two can play at that game. We'll just never talk. Ever. It seems to be working, and I'm glad it is. He needs to get out of my life, ASAP.

I've also been wondering about the boat dance that was coming up. I really honestly don't mind not having a date, I don't really want one if it's just boat, but like every other girl, I'm just wondering.

Would anybody ask me?

I've been having really low self-esteem. I don't want to tell this anybody because I've been putting up a tough front about myself a lot of the time, but I really do think I'm fat. And well, hell, I ain't doing anything about it, and yes, I feel guilty for it. This is what I fucking do to myself. Tell myself that I gotta do something, then promise myself that I'm going to do it, then end up not doing it at all or until the last minute. I don't know anymore. I really don't.

And I can care less about this whole asking out thing, but I don't think anybody's gonna ask me. I just like thinking about these things because, well, I wonder. I'm confused about my own self. This whole self-therapy ain't workin very well, but it's the only thing that'll do. Sigh. I wish when I tell myself that I don't fucking care, I wish I didn't fucking care. Also..

Where's my Christopher Robin?

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