Fallen from Grace
2012-10-22 03:06:04 (UTC)

Silence Screams

Hello my trusted confidant, I am in over my head with emotions today. I am such a girl on this today. I am extremely sad. So there are a lot of things staking up on my plate lately. Two weeks ago I posted something on Facebook about my friend who killed herself. I didn’t get a call from her family or anything like that. I found out because her name was on Youtube so I checked it out. She was crying in video telling her story on note cards. She had no support from family and those who knew her. Plus the fact that she bullied did not help. When I posted than on video on Facebook I was hoping and expecting to get comments maybe a like or something. I got nothing. I was a little hurt but whatever. Today my brothers wife called me and said hey did you see whats going on with your sister. Its all over Facebook. My 14 year old sister found her boyfriends body yesterday. I was concerned so I sent her a message to tell her shes not alone. I told her about my friend who killed herself so if she needed to talk call me. She told me Follow your friends foot steps and kill yourself. That cut me so deep. I was trying to give her support but being nice blew up in my face. I put a message on Facebook about it. I got all sort of messages saying oh we will pray your sister and the boyfriends family. That really hurt. People leave messages about her but no one said shit about my friend. At least my pal Sweet asked about her. So all this is going on… but wait theres more!

I have really been struggling with something. Its hard to know where I stand with someone when I feel like I am living a lie. I have never been in a relationship where I was a secret. I get around Mike’s friends and I am just his friend. It makes me uncomfortable. His friends are cool but I feel like the jury is in. I ask myself is he ashamed of me? Why does he prefer no one know. All my friends know who Mike is some even met him. But his friends have met me but I am just either his friend or house boy. It hurts me… I do not know why but it does. I always said I would never date someone who keeps me a secret… but then I said I’d never smoke, drink, do drugs, listen to metal or be with a girl but see how far that got me… Oh well. I am very happy with him. It just makes me feel miles away if you can’t tell even one of your friends. I asked different people what they think he doesn’t tell people about me. I have 3 possible answers. Reason #1 Maybe he is waiting to see I am serious about being with him and will tell friends later. Hurts but there is hope. Reason #2 He is ashamed of me. Which is why I am a secret from his friends. Reason #3 is simple. He is at an age that he doesn’t want the judgment or harshness that goes with being labeled a “gay/bi guy.” In which case I am kept a secret. What ever reason it is its eating at me like gasoline through a plastic cup.

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