Tania

Moments
2012-03-20 00:04:33 (UTC)

I dont trust myself

Dear diary,

Well last time, I wrote I was planning to give James a chance. Did i Do it? Well the answer on that question is simple. No I did not, we talked and decided to be just F-R-I-E-N-D-S. like that was going to work out. We both knew it wouldn't but some how we both agreed to just try to be friends.

My excuse not wanting to get into the relationship was " I don't want things to get complicated " Yes, right as if being friend was not complicated at all.
He was the one that proposed for us to be friends, but this will never work out. He made me promise not to disappear for another 3 months.

So we kept in touch. This was more than just keeping in touch. We spoke everyday, on the phone, trough Skype even hang out at each-others place. there wasn't one day that we didn't speak or saw each-other.
So last month I realize that we were in a relationship. the only difference between our friendship and a normal couples relationship was that we weren't kissing or sleeping with each-other.

2 weeks Ago I slept over. This was a planned accident, I knew it could get late so i Brought my things.
We watched 2 movies I chose of course, he really doesn't like my movies but we take turn to choose. we watched friend-zone what put us both in a awkward mood and then we watched, leap year what put me in an awkward position.
I did not think about the consequences of the movies. The last movie we only watched half. We started talking about desperate girls and end up talking about us.
I said "Yes, but we girls sometimes wait a long time for you guys to make a move and you guys just don't do nothing". And this is the truth we do, because we don't want to be called desperate, but what about those coward guys out there that are to scared to make a move. Are we suppose to wait, and if we decide to wait, how long?

His intent to save male kind was this: You girls confuse us, with your hard to get playing. We don't know what to do cause we don't know if you girls really like us or are just messing around with us.

But my point is; If we don't play hard to get. then we're just easy and you guys don't take us seriously.
Right?

So after we finished talking he went to take a shower. I was just cleaning up a bit, some chips fell on the carpet so I was vacuuming. I was already vacuuming so I decided to do the whole living room. as he was getting out of the shower I guess he heard the vacuum so he came out of the room and he was trying to get the vacuum out of my hand.
He turned it off and told me to go shower.

Well As i finished showering I realized I had forgotten my PJ at home so I wrap the towel around me and got out to just looked for a t-shirt or something to wear.
he Got into the room, I thing he Planned it but he was not expecting me being half naked.
He looked At me and he said wow and just froze, I told him to get out, he did.
After i finished dressing I told him he could get in.

we were both laying on his bed. His laptop was on so he had this picture of this girl on the background. I wanted to asked him but he closed it.

A this point I just wanted to kiss him so bad, but I knew if we did kiss it would get to more then just kissing. Out of nowhere he said remind me again why we cant be more then friends? for the record we are more then friends he said smiling .

I sat up and said, I'll talk to you no more bullshit. I Really like you I do, the answer on that question is simple. I do want to be more than friends but i'm scared to death. Like only by the thought of having another heart breaking break up. I just feel like a lump in my throat every time I think i'll have to get through that again. and you know me I don't like talking about feelings and all that bullshit so This is a one and only conversation which we'll not talk about again.
I started to get nervous and i put my hands over my eyes I said shit:

He said give me a chance please, we both have been through a lot.

I said I have given you chances... he smiled he asked when?
I said right now and for the last 3 months. He laughed he said are telling me that I can take my chance ?
I laughed too I am not telling you anything I just answering questions.
And then I got really shy cause he was coming closer to kiss me. he first kissed my neck and then Kissed me like, he kissed me If you get what I mean!

Just btw he is a Really good kisser.

He said well I guess I'm sleeping on the couch, I said don't worry I trust you. He looked at me and said yes but i don't trust me with you.




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