Still Small

Those Still Small Voices
2012-10-11 02:25:31 (UTC)

Entry 5 and Reform

I've got no excuse for why I've been gone so long. I never set any rules or regulations, so the bar is low and I've disappointed no one. Quite a feat, for someone like me.

I have been thinking about my inconsistency a lot lately. If there was any word to sum up my dreary existence, it would be that - inconsistent. In the beginning I put in a lot of energy, then I get lazy and bored, then I feel bad for being lazy and bored and work hard again, and then I usually give up.

I think the Internet has played a major role in this ridiculousness, so I think I need to make a change. I deleted my Facebook, but I had Tumblr to keep me occupied. It's time for a total detox.

Basically, my problem is that I never used to be this bad. I used to be a smart little fucker who didn't go Internet surfing much and read all the damn time. Not to mention wrote miniature novels. Then I started using up all the memory on the hand-me-down laptops and I got one of my own. Suddenly I had Internet access, and what was once a way for me to verify information became my obsession.

Now, for some reason, I can't write for shit, or read for longer than, like, ten minutes. My attention span is shot and - although I can't blame the Internet with any certainty - I can say that the sites I spend 90% of my time on are complete wastes of space. So I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my Tumblr(s) and starting fresh. It's about time I started living up to the crap I preach. I know social networking is bad, but I'm addicted just like the masses and it's right shit.

In other news, I've unsurprisingly forgotten to take my birth control for like a month now. Thank God for this website, because now I can trace everything and make it seem like I never forgot. That's one victory for you, World Wide Web. Let's keep 'em coming.

And while we're on the topic, can I mention that I haven't made any headway with the whole penetration situation? I'm at a stalemate with my own vagina. TRAITOR. I suppose I should take my time with these things and go gradually, but since when am I moderate about anything, let alone gradual? Go big or go home, then get bored halfway through and find something else to do. Aren't I lovely?

I suppose my current list of things I should be doing in no particular order goes as follows:
1. Get your goddamn permit already. You're 16. Jesus.
2. Stop being fat. Or maybe stop eating so much. Which ever comes first.
3. Make a treaty with your vag, buck up, and wrap your head around tampons. It's not rocket science.
4. Delete any form of communication apart from telephones that are not face to face. That's what social networking actually means, in case any Sean Parkers out there just like throwing around buzzwords like used condoms.
5. Figure out what you really want, what you really need, and act upon your convictions. Do not compare yourself to the standards of others.

That last one is particularly important. I do so much shit for other people. Not in the sense that I'm selfless (do you even know who you're talking to, here?), but that I try to shape myself in a way that will appeal to others. To assimilate myself, make myself cool. It's an endless, bloody battle for the shallow triumph of popularity, and it's exhausting.

I had some reservations about deleting my Tumblr (an extension of my quest for popularity; what I thought to be an easier terrain than real life ((boy was I wrong))), but I know it's the right thing to do. Social networks are a poison and I don't like dealing with poison. It's, like, mortal.

I have to finish reading Grapes of Fucking Wrath for school so that I can finish Heartbreaking Work of StAGGerinG Genius so that I can read Perks of Being A Wallflower so that I can watch the movie. Emma Watson, why you so quality?

Done reminding you that I'm pretentious at the end of my stupid concluding phrases because it makes me feel pretentious anyway. Peace out girl scout.




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