J-Bunny

My Life (yawn)
2012-10-10 21:55:34 (UTC)

hate today

I am so pissed of right now I had to stop and write or else I'll explode. What in fucks name am I doing? This is the second mother fucking day I've come home and cried my goddamn eyes out because of J. It's Wednesday, for the past year and a half we see each other on Wednesday but lately not so much. Tonight he decides, at the 11th hour that he might have time for me and asks if he wants me to come out. Now...I'm pretty logical at times so why in the fuck would I think that him driving by his house from where he's working and driving well over an hour to see me, after he's been sick, and running around like a nut would make sense? It doesn't. Not to mention I feel like an after thought because he waited so long. Then his plans change for the weekend and he's not going to the lake house, like he was going to do this weekend because its the last weeekend before the stupid ferry stops and he needs to pull the docks. So he changes his mind and messages his friends to ask for help, though he forgets that most normal people work during the week and they apparently said they couldn't help him. But he doesn't mention it to me. Hence lies an issue. Why does he need or want to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or who I'm with and god help me if my plans change even legitimately change its a big deal. He can't see that when I tried explaining it. He screamed at me again, this time calling me crazy and said I was trying to say he's got a conspirarcy....well, there's a reason why you didn't bother mentioning you reached out to your friends and changed your entire plans from what you said before. All because your kid doesn't want to miss school on Friday....didn't know he was thinking of taking his kids from school and what kid doesn't want to miss school? Seriously, am I that much of a tool. Apparently so, so don't bother answering that.
I can ONLY imagine the accusatory email I'm going to get reaming me and putting the blame completely on me. Which I'll of course drop everything to read, sob some more and then of course my initial reaction will be to blast him back but I can't. I just can't because that's what he expects. Jesus, he has such suck communication and is always, constantly blaming everyone else for everything, lack of communication and he "didn't know" bullshit. I tell him everything because I mostly feel like I have to. We have a wicked huge disconnect and he's not listenting so there's no point in trying to rationalize because he's right all the time.
He's getting more and more frustrated with me and its because I call him on shit and use to be his "escape" which he's denied but really, come on. He just wants someone that is available on his terms and keeps their mouth shut and he's forever needing CONSTANT verbal suppoirt. I have never, ever in my years of walking this earth met someone that is in need of such attention. Yeah, everyone wants it but to be a douche when you're not getting it and throwing shit in my face....i.e., all the running around he does for jobs and doing shit with the kids and for his parents and god only knows what else he's got going on. Don't make me feel bad about that. Don't get pissy when I'm upset because you can't handle it when I say you treat me like an after thought. And really...if you really wanted to come and see me you'd be driving over now not going to pick up your fucking kids. You don't get it...yeah I'm talking to him but I should be talking to me.
What in fucks name am I getting out of this? Not a whole fucking lot lately. It's been one year and 4 months of a half assed relationship. A relationship on his terms.
Oh, and the audacity of him to get pissy with me because I'm working from home tomorrow. Seriously, really. If he had even breathed a word of going to the lake house on Thursday I wouldn't have bothered. God, I remember everything he says but he was going insane defending himself and what he allegedly told me. My God, he's gone bonkers when I've done something so very similar, absolutely apeshit and for him to deny that fact is ridiculous.
So hang up on me and hang out with your kids....and then send me a nasty ass email because you know I won't phone you to cry and snivel and apologize because I respect your family man ass unlike you respecting me.
At some point in your life you have to stop and take a hard look at yourself and wonder "is it me?" I guess it's clear some people can't.
Oh, and one more thing...don't keep remiding me of the nice things you've done and use that as a means of defense and that I don't appreciate it. That's unfair. I can't control your actions and if you chose to do something nice and thoughtful that's on you don't expect anything fron it. That's just wrong.
And one last thing, thanks for understanding that you have all the control in this relationship. That you can call when you feel like it or not, you can see me when you feel like it or not. I can never ever do that, ever in all this time. But who cares, right? I'm such a fucking asshole.




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