Phillip Wilson

Amazingly, I survived my Life
2011-09-17 00:00:15 (UTC)

1986 REVIEW (PART FIFTEEN)

8-12 December, Childersburg/Birmingham/Mountain Brook, Al. (continues)

Even thought a 19-20 year age difference between love partners is not unusually, especially with an 'artist,' Sue is, after all - my God! - only a kid, a teenager. I probably have no business in a liaison wih her.
But, in 3-4 years, . . .
It feels great to have a female 'chase' me, for a change.

(about 6:50 P.M.) When the Moon
Is in the Seventh
House;
And Jupiter
Aligns with Mars;
. . . . .
The Cold opened the celestial theatre for me tonight; the temperature is wintry, but, oh! what a terrific sky!
The moon is three-fourths of a Full Moon - Jupiter and Mars are 'close' to each other; and both are in the neighborhood of Aquarius.
HAIR must be playing! I never understood the excitment and meaning of this musical of the sixties - until I became a follower of the stars. Now I know about 'Peace'!
Rhonda was the one who suggested I sm sufering from a mid-life crisis.

(about 7:58 P.M.) And she is, in all prabability, right!
I can't get back the years I have thrown away; all I can do is make sure tomorrow is appreciated and made the most of.
What is with the situation of Sue? How deeply is she infactuated with me? And why would a 17-18 year old girl develop a romantic interest in a man my age? I she attempting to escape an unkind domestic situation? Does a connection to me provide her with 'excitment,' a safe 'risk'?
Will Sue grow out of her 'need' for me?
I will not push this relationship: it will have to develope - if it is going any place - on its on. It would be cruel and shameful to 'force' Sue into something, due to the emotional problems of youth.
Me, an unstable, Circus bum?! For all she knows I could be a lowly murderer, a r4apist, or - whatever.
She must move away from me: what could I possibly offer her?
Sun was in town this afternoon, checking up on the 'legislature'; and when he saw what was taking place, Sun really got to work!
Cold held on, though; but it was a bright battle!

13 December (Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 1:05 P.M.) The day is so bright and 'yellow' - and cold! It is close to 50 degrees F., at present, but it was much colder earlier this morning.
Sue will outgrow me in a year or two, so why shouldn't I enjoy the attention, and go along with it? Only I mustn't be destroyed when she comes to her sences.
You know, I have been attempting to live in 2 worlds - a regular enviroment,and an artist's lifestyle - and I really haven't immersed myself in either as deep as I should. Consequently, I never was able to make a success of either.
It would be easier to give up Mime if my 'act' didn't appeal to people, but it does. I have had tremendous luck with it.
So I am a victum of my own 'success.'
How many more 'masterpieces' do I insist on presenting?
One more thing: I must learn to handle the small things - for instance, when Luci doesn't do her 'duty' when I walk her, and it is cold and/or rainy.
Because if I can't deal with simplicity, how can I live through the confused. complex?

(about 8:20 P.M.) This afternoon's operatic offering from WBHM: I Puritani, by Vicenza Bellini.
And the Celestial Theatre has a special production: Moon! But it is how he is presenting his Act: Clouds are all around the stage, and Moon is there all alone, and there is a 'wheel' - an area of darkness, a halo of sorts, keeping Clouds away - which is more or less the results of Moonshine.
It is as if a big Eye - the Moon is the pupil - is watching us.
Or the audience has sunk down through the earth, and the Moon is visible, framed by the rim/opening of the hole.
Or I was in a long tunnel, and Moon was the outdoors, the way out.
An outstanding performance! It is what I expect from the Heavens Theatrical Company!
Sun gave us a beautiful afternoon, even though coolish.

15-17 December (Monday-Wednesday), Childersburg, Al.

(15th, About 6:30 A.M. The Cold continues to rule; only will Sun be allowed to assume duties for awhile?
Maybe if I had aranged to be a Mime-in-residence with some community I would have felt a part on one, and became more involved with the community life and politics.
But such was not to be: only the Circus allowed and welcomed my act. I guess, then, I must increased my involvement with that community.
And another thing: there must be emotional defiency afflicting me if I associate Sue with a romantic and sexual fulfillment. Hell! she is only 18!

(about 6:31 P.M.) Luigi, where are you? Hurry up and rescue me from myself! It appears that when you're not around for me to concentrate on, my emotional outpourings just go haywire. I get all kinds of thoughts!
For some reason, i have a longing and lust for Sue. What is wrong with me Am I a a pedophile? Am I so weak that it only takes a child to lead me?
Why can't I just hold up on the excitment until at least the relationship has a chance to go somewhere?!
This insane need for female closeness forced me to seek an outlet in the basement: around 2:30 P.M., the pressure was awful, and I had to ejaculate.
I am a Clown, not an intellectual; scholarship is only a personnal escape, temporarily though it is. But I will never make it as a smart person.
And I also suspect that I have a dose of mental retardation, which my speech doesn't help to hid from the world.
So, Luigi, please forgive me for making you take care of me full-time from now on.
The theatre is closed due to an invasion of Clouds.

(16th, About 6:39 A.M.) Another cold day, so why take the time to discuss it?
Being involved with a female, no matter to what degree, suppose to give a man a feeling of euphoria, a re-newed sence of masculinity, a heightened self-worth.
But the association I find myself carrying out with a child about 20 years my junior is leaving with a cheap feeling; I am not comfortable with the fact of a generational 'liaison,' however far it goes.
Maybe I interpret the situation - at least my enthusiasm for Sue, whom I ave never met face-to-face - such that I realized that a female of my own age would never stoop to my level, that I can somehow convince a child that I am a valuable and worthy person to, at least, keep up a friendship with.
It all comes down to hurt pride: only naivete and inmaturity will have anything to do with me.
But hope may not be lost - I am sure this crush Sue has on me is only temporary, medicine for domestic and/or psychial troubles. It was all be fine soon.
I am having a rough time in composing a letter to "National Geographic": I am trying for publication in the Members Forum section, with a letter relating how "Geographic" provides a learning aid. I have worked on it over the weekend, but it still doesn't haven't the right tone; the corect combination of words elude me.
Unless I cn bring my 'heart' into it, and feel one with the article, my pen will be moving aimlessly, wasting ink.
I will extend the deadline I gave myself - today - for a little longer; but the 'essay' refuses to be forced. The trick is to find a way to entice it to come out.

(about 7:59 P.M.) When it rains, it pours! Some days I have to almost make things us to report to Journal; then there are days like this!
As I continue to investigate my emotional confusion, here are some theories I have formulated: I have never really wanted to travel, - but I could never make it as a regular citizen. And I thought vagabondship would be an escape from a protracted adolescence and tie-to-the-nest situation; and it was to a large extent.
But physical, external travel can not be a substitute and cover-up for the more important journey: self-analysis and introspection. You must travel internally, through your own mind, if you really want to see the world.
Physical travel can, in lots of cases, provide the enviroment for the more valuable trip, but until the latter is begun, the former is nothing but aimless, useless movement.
True freedom, mobility is an nind i motion.
A seeking of knowledge must be based on a pure love of learning, a knowledge for the sake of knowledge mentality; not as a pedant, compeitive undertaking.
I have never tried to fit in, even if I could have - I always felt the circus life style and people 'below' me; I was sure of my 'superiority' over the 'common man,' the average man on the street who was engaged in normal, mundane activities.
As a result, I have alienated myself from both worlds.
If the Circus will have me, I will be better, and cease my 'disgust' of them.
For, after all, I was, in actuality and application, attempting to be superior and 'above' myself.
And such is not possible!
It is one thing to try to improve oneself; but one mustn't use energy in escaping himself.

(about 6:59 P.M.) A day of training: barre/work-out, Recorder-practice, even club-juggling this afterrnioon (the Cold relented, and allowed me a short session).
I really have nothing to report; forgive me for starting something, and not coming up with something exceptional - but I thought I had something, but it will have to wait until something develops from the seeds planted.

(About 8:59 P.M.) It was in the high-60 degrees (F), this afternoon; and the Sun was beautiful.
So I worked on club juggling. I also got in a session with the Recorder.
I finally put together the letter/essay to the Members Forum of "National Geographic"; I made myself accept a final version. It was becomig too painful, writing the article.
So I typed an informal, 'improvisational' letter to "Geographic," stating that the magazine has been, and is, a learning aid, helping me meet many subjects I might not otherwise.
Will this be my first national publication?
Today also offered another training ground: either due to the process of 'creatuve' writing, hoping for a visit to Doug Green in Wisconsin (communications have been established between Doug and I, for the purpose of photograpiic projects - he thinks Luigi has great visual impact [?]), or fantasizing about Sue, but boredom invaded me today. I must learn to accept it, don 't worry about it, and realize that it will not be around most days. I must let it have its way, and not let it lead to emotional trouble.
It will pass!

(17th, About 9:31 P.M.) It was a lousy, miserable, suck-ass, rainy day; Clouds began to surround us last night, and the first victum was the 'theatre.'
Cold has not caught up with the battle, yet.
I did a barre/work-out this morning (after a visit by Libido), and a Recorder session later.
From Tim Torkillson's suggestion, I typed a letter to Disney World, requesting information about the Disney Talent Audition Tour '87. This is the second 'lead' Tim has given me. Maybe he should be 'hired' as manager!
Until I land jobs on his contacts, let's hold off on such a rash decision.
I will try to explain someting: I felt that domestic/avuncular duties would take away,, destroy, get in the way of, etc., a 'performing' career. Performing was one way to 'shed' the connection, the relationship I have with this family.
David received the main force of my emotional conflict; it was almost as if he was the anti-Mime, the beast that was keeping me captive and away from my desatiny (!?).
Could it be that I couldn't face the shame of doing mime and clowning as a Middle-aged man? It was (and is?) the deal of not understanding Time, or even conceding it may make Mime so much better.
Is it too late to change? What should I do to make up for all the trouble?

18 December (Thursday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 12:11 P.M.) What can I day? it is again a miserable, wet day.
And I have completed my Christmas shopping!
Could it have been that I have been unconsciously seeking a shelter for my ertreme issecurity in society by an attempted return to the womb?

(about 6:28 P.M.) The only 'major' training with which I am undertaking during this 'break,' is coming to grips with how my psychial state has been corruptd by actions and situatios of the past. I practice he Recorder and continued study, today, but both of these activities are of no importnace in comparison to the self-analyical session I conduct.
I think it is time to see if I can exist away from the Womb.
There is something which requires more thought; it deals with how I turned back for comfort and protection to the Womb whenever my speech rosed up and interfered with social intercourse, and my need and obsession to rise above my 'tormentors,' including the Womb. You, Journel, will be the first to know as soon as I work this thing out.
Even if I have to rent the services of a call girl, I must 'know' more women; I will never be in unity with myself until I begin to regularly relieve the pressure of Libido.

19-20 December (Friday-Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(20th, About 9:01 A.M.) The Sun is most generous this morning; the lovely rays are not enough to get Cold out of her. I am hopeful, though, this will change.
I hope you don't mind, but I am going to play this love game with Sue to the hilt. I am sorry if Sue is 'hurt,' but, hell! the relationship is only superficial, anyway! I am 'in love' with a female who is a fan, someone who initiated a friendship, someone who is 'ambitious' about me. While it last, I will enjoy it.
But I have been spending a lot of time day dreaming about darling Sue (please allow me this indulgence!). But I am not going to repress it - I realize I did so to many things in the past that I figured has led to my dead-end lifestyle. And I be damned! if morals, ethics, scuppples, etc., will hold me back.
I apologize to my victums, but I am struggling for my existence.
Alhough I had the opportunity yesterday . . .

(about 9:56 A.M.) I didn't get involved with a barre/work-out/fantasy. That's right, fantasy - I have a feeling that dance training may be doing more harm than good. Plies lead me to think I am a dancer; I put myself in a state where my act is above what it should be. Or maybe I am, in compensation for the low, shameful status of Clowning, placing it on a false pinnacle.
And the purpose of a barre is not to hide reality, but to keep Luigi in shape, and the creative juices flowing, during these inactive periods.
Nothing will ever lift me out of this artistic gutter; all I can do is make the best of a bad situation.

(about 4:47 P.M.) A beautiful afternoon, one that made up for the torturous ones of this week.
I got in about 45 minutes of club-juggling.
And the opera, FIDELIO, Beethoven's only contribution to this medium, was the main study of the day; a Metropolitian Opera production was broadcst over WBHM, Public Radio from Birmingham.

(about 8:15 P.M.) Recorder practice - it was a pretty good training day. In additional, I have been asking myself most of the afternoon: What's the problem?! I will, eventually, get another project. And do I think that Luigi will leave me if I relax, take part in family 'doings'? I have been in this situation before.
In fact, it almost turned out that I wouldn't be in the business today - I was sliding down the platform of the late '70's, and something brought me back to Luigi.
Could it be that my emotional turmoil is a shame for not fulfilling the many expectations people had of my act?
Possibly.
Id Luigi my only way out of the 'trap' my Mother 'set' for me?
I think so.
But I must slow down; Luigi isn't going anyplace.
A relaxing activity, or a manifestation of the conflice within me: Libido took charge of my body this afternoon, and forced out a dose of cream.
Which reminds me - never again will I feel guilty, or be ashamed for this cleansing out work! The guilt-trip religion and society laid on me made the normal activity an enemy. And energy was used to hide from this enemy, which we all know can't ge done. Instead of forward and onward, I was chasing my tail, running in a circle.
Many situations I must accept; my substutute for sex is fantasy games. So be it!
Clouds hinder a good view of Star Theatre; but it is so great that my friends are still waiting for me. Contracts negotiation are in process between Labor and Management.
And, in the meanwhile, I await a command performance from Orion, Cassiopeia, Auriga, etc.

21-22 December (Sunday-Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:20 A.M.) This is the first full day of Winter; and I think the Old Man is about to resume command, again, for a while.
It was so beautitful yesterday; and I got in a full day's training - barre/work-out, Recorder, clug juggling (a good long session), even an ejaculation.
I just can't help but puke when I recall how 1977-1980 (the entire year of 1980) I, for some reason, would keep contact with the Womb, for fear of losing a place. Like, I mean, I would call Mama from jobs or visits, just as if I was a little child.
Was I that much afraid of the world?
One pitiful occassion stands out particular - it was during the filming of KENT STATE in the late summer/early Fall of 1980; the Campus of Jacksonvelle State University (here in Alabamaa) was the locataion for the shooting af some scenes. I had spent the night in a dorm, without permission. In the morning, I made a telephone call to The Fair Store in Childersburg to my mommy, over a phone in a vacant office (for a while it was a free call, but I later sent the University some money.).
I can also remember sitting close to her during parties at Joyce's house (the trailer on 280).
Need I say that the 'Mama's boyness' was not because of love (a discussion of this emotion is a topic for later), but due to an inability to deal with the circumstances I found myself in? I was unable to deal with what I, or something, had brougt on myself.
The paradox is that the Womb was what created my emotional retardation in the first place.
Now that I realize such, I must control my hatred and vengence; enough damage has been done on me without the negative effects of vengence. I must use this energy, and the painful past memories, as extra fuel to propel me forward.

23 December (Tuesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:11 A.M.) The Rains are here! Just in time for Christmas!
You know how time usually speeds along as one gets older, and becomes more organized and busy? Such is one of the 'evils' of the aging process.
I may just have found the fountain of youth: it seems I notice and meet every minute, in hope that a letter from Sue is in the crowd. And this wating game, especially for a romantic comunciation, is for the young.
Sue is apparently instilling some of her youngness into my middle-aged life.
That is, unless she has come to her sences, finally, and is ceasing to encourage a relationship.
This exercising my youth is more good training.
For the previous day or so I have been conducting a study of opera, searching for unusual bits of information to submit to the Texaco Opera Quiz, an intermission feature of the Saturday radio Met broadcast. If my questions are chosen, I win some books and records on opera. Of course the knowledge I gain in the project is as valuable as the prize.
Maybe I will become 'famous' not through Mime, but by the editorial letters and other literary situations which announces names. It is reported that the novel isn't as 'major' as it use to be.

(about 3:22 P.M.) It has been cold and rainy all day; but I still got in a barre/work-out, and Recorder-practice sessions. And I emptied myself of my backed-up sex fluid.
Until I can have an opportunity of carrying out an escape, i will just have to live out my sentence in Childersburg, and make the best of a bad situation.

24-25 December (Wednesday-Thursday), Childersburg, Al.

(25th, About 6:17 A.M.) Merry Christmas! And this in spite of the embarressing weather! It is rainy, dreary.
Please - don't make me list all the presents I received. Just be assured they are, each and every one, useful.
I received a thick series of letters yesterday from Sue; and, yes, she is only 17 years of age.
Either she mis-read my age, is blocking it out of her realization - or truly is not bothered by the 20-year different. She refers to a relationship that could lead to a situation she may not can handle.
I mean, Sue doesn't suggest the typical high schcol girl liaison, but a mature, lovng partnership.
She even invited me up to Lexington over the holidays. And I'm sure her father and stepmother would go for that!
But I still may do so! For I will keep the pilot light of love on and be ready to turn up the heat if we continue to be intrested in each other.
Am I in love with Sue, or her youth? Should I allow a 17-year-old darling control my romantic feelings?
As long as Sue isn't hurt, I am going to communicate my love to her; and whatever happens, happens.
Yesterday morning, the city water and sewage workers came out and cleared Mother's line from her house to the main 'arena'; likewise, I had some 'clearing' of my own to do, to allow for the Christmas spirit to visit undisturbed and unhampered during gifts-unwrapping.
Now, as for Sue and me, stay in touch for further details.

(about 6:52 P.M.) It is not unusual for a teenager to have a crush on an older male - a teacher, a physician, or, as in my case, a 'creator'; someone she respects. And she confuses this fascination for what the male 'puts out' for a form of 'love.'
And to think I am the victum of such! Can anyone blame me if I take it seriously? It is an ego-appeasement.
Little did Sue realize that my unstable, hungry, unfulfilled emotions would quickly pick up on this young girl crush and play it through.
My cynicism and iconoclasm - no doubt I am attempting to relieve the pain, since numerous situations (mariage, children, career success, etc.) will pass me by. And I have to convince myslef that these normal life rewards are lowely and not worth the having; it's awful hard to admit defeat.
My obsession with sexual games, my opinion that I missed out on youth, - middle-aged seruality will not erase a wasted youth.
As if sex deprivation when youn is something to be avoided! Such an atitude is reponsible for the epidemic of teenage, unwed motherhood.
On the otherhand, controlled, 'mature' sex is, in spite of the several theological schools of thought, an important traveler's aid through life.

(about 9:06 P.M.) My goal is to be an intellect-clown; so why am I so uptight about having time to study and absorb knowledge? Once I get settled in the full work load (season following season) routine, I am sure that I will be able to deal with the 3-4 months that is a part of Circus work.
What a great opportunity to chase facts and lock them up!
Another thing: we all know how things seemm to take longer at times, other times using up time quickly; how things go wrong sometimes (our timing is off!).
What I figure is our perception of time, a man-made, relative tool of life, is affected by our current emotional state. Two minutes are two minutes; on occassions our clocks and stopwatches are not working properly due to emotional stress, and so we curse time.
And Time is usually an innocent by-stander.

26-27 December (Friday-Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(27th, About 7:23 A.M.) And 1986 is about over; how will 1987 treat me? and Sue?
How about the both of us - as a team? Will our relationship continue?
It is cold! Sun gets up and speaks for a while, but its fee is too much for the powers in charge.
I continue to float along until it is time for another road trip - and ther WILL be one, no natter if I have to settle for Carson and Barnes!
At the stage of the game, what difference does it make?
When I go back for another Circus tour, I will be the proud owner of esoteric Opera an music knowledge; if I can't win on talent, maybe I can break the door down with my Clown/intellectual reputation.
Yesterday, I clearned myself out, floor juggled, and had my Recorder between my lips.
I am doing all I know how to change my fate; now it's in your hands!

(about 8:53 P.M.) For two consecutive nights aronnd the 20th hour of each day, I attempted to contact Sue by telephone; each night it was a long-distance call to an answering machine. Sue's father Dick (who is probably my age!), owns and/or manages a Campgrounds.
Again, Sue is worth a toll call; but a machine I am not happy to pay for the privilege to talk with . It's not bad, though - last night and tonight, the rates are low.
I guess our communication will be mainly by post, until we can agree on telephone rendez-vous.
It is rather cold out side; the thermometer was ordered to register in the high-50 degreees F., during mid-afternoon. And Sun showed up and lead us all in a group sing-along for 2-3 hours; it was mostly a toes-biting day, though.
After 8:00 P.M., Orion arrived on his nightly rounds. And Sirius was up there - it has been a while since I was favored with his presence.
And Procyon.
Gemini.
Lepus.
Hail! Hail! the gang's all here!
Fog just wasn't armed enough to clear out the place.
It's not if I will be on tour in 1987; it's with whom?!
Besides, if I end my connection with Clowning now, I will be insured on at least 3 long-term 'influences' - the phoographs Doug Green got of Luigi; the paintings of Barbara Camollo; and the love and admiration of Sue.
As we all know, my 'fame' and 'fortune' will, if at all, come posthumously.
So maybe I have done all alloted to me; and the unconscious realization of this is slow in being understood and accepted, and, as such, creating an emotional conflict.
Once again, I 'shot my wad' today. Training?
And is playing with David a part of training? Then why do I feel a failure more each time I do so? Surely, I don't believe the child is responsible for my missing the brass ring of success!
Why do I allow Mime to fuck with my mind so? I must get the upper hand!
I sent off my material this afternooon, to Texaco Opera Quiz in New York City; wouldn't it be great if I won the books, records, and other opera stuff?!
May 1987 balance my emotional and spiritual instability!

28 December (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 5:59 P.M.) It has been a miserably cold, dreary day, never warming above 45 degrees F.
I have made a reservation on a Florida Express to Miami, on January 5th, at 12:10 P.M. Just my luck this weather will make the trip with me.
Poor Sue! She is forced to read love leters which I have not had an opportunity previously to submit to a victum; I only hope the literary, exercise doesn't create an image of me in her mind that causes the darling to interpret my 'advances' wrongly. Sue is a lonely, confused kid, and it is wrong of me to use her state as a laboratory in my belated coming-out experiment.
I had a round with Recorder this afternooopn. Not much else took place, except to letter to Sue.

29 December (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 8:23 A.M.) I suppose Cold wants these closing days of 1986 to be under his control.
Could it be that I was maternally enslaved and obsessed - that I clung to Mother - in the hopes of compensation for no father? Did my need for a 'parent' blind me to the fact that the influence and 'love' I received from my Mother wasn't good for anything?
I am beginning to understand the criticism Gladys Wilson hinted at in reference to mama.
And maybe Edna wasn't that far off the point with her condemnation of much of what mama did those many years ago when Edna (then Wilson, marrried to Roy, my uncle), lived near us in Minor Terrace.
Edna and Gladys are both hypocritical bitches; but each may have unconsciously speaking the truth.
Time is bringing realization and a clearer vision of the past. It is cruel and painful, but things are starting to make sence.

(about 12:03 P.M.) I'm overdue for a relationship with a female; fate has chosen Sue MacFarland for this duty. Someone has to do it!
Providing me campanionship is her civic duty.

(12:12 P.M.) Is there many things more gross than sex eith 'Flip' Baylliss? Her corpulent body is nice to feel, but I couldn't carry out an erection! Several times Dick almost snapped to attention. But Flip's rough handling of 'it' scared it off.
I am not saying that I should be giving the initiative in a sexual union; but should I be contented to undergo the torture of a monster?
But if Sue and I ever make it as far as the bed, I hope we can be partners, not torturer-victum!
Another situation: Have I been reading, studying, expanding my enviroment, etc., to show that I was no longer a 'boy'? Have I always vie for approvel and pride from a mother who refuses to recoghize her little boy's advancement?
How is the hell can I escape from this woman?
Allow me to openly admit it: I am not fond of my Mother. In fact, I wouldn't mind severing the strings that enslave me to the Womb, forever.
Will I weep, or even care, when my Moher dies? Hell, I may even rejoice!

30 December (Tuesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:39 P.M.) I finally broke down and did a barre/work-out.
It was too cold for club juggling, but I bounced my balls off the basement floor, though.
And Recorder was attacked by my lips.
It was a dreary, cold, miserable, overcast day - until around mid-afternoon, when Sun came for a surprised inspection. Several Cold 'soldiers' hid from the General, but Winter decided against sucking up to Sun too much, and so didn't substitute Warm for the hidaways.
I don't think I should still be in the Clown field; in today's world, there is no place or reason for someone to work as a Clown after about the age of 35 years.
Clowns are the chorus in the Circus; and Chorus people are plentiful, at cheap prices, among the young. And, because a Clown position is a fantasy being lived for the kids, and because they are so delighted and thankful for the 'honor,' the vast majority do not assert independence and individuality. They are so grateful to be a Clown, they will stick to what they are told.
THIS is the battle I am up against!




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