Rory

The various musing of a trans* guy
2012-10-09 21:19:02 (UTC)

James

I'm trying and failing to be logical about this. And I guess I have to allow myself to love someone, but why they hel does it have to be James. Arrgh. He's so lovely and he seems so beautiful to me. Sometimes I just wanna talk to him because he's fun to talk to him. I just feel like being around him all the time. And when I'm not around him, I want to be. I think this might be the strongest I've felt for someone since Daniel. I've always known when it was just a crush that I knew would go away. And I don't think this is that. It fucking pissing me off. I don't want to like him! He's my best friend!
Actually, that's not true. The best situation would be if he liked me back. But I know he can't. And this is what pisses me off the most. If I were a pretty girl, me would love me. I know he would. But I'm not. I'm a trans guy, and he knows this. And I'm sure he's wonderful enough that he just sees me as any other guy now.
In some ways, I want to be his little girl. Argh, I was sitting in history today and looking at Suki, and thinking about how James thinks she's pretty, and she is pretty, and that's the sort of person James wants, not someone like me. Not a boy.
It's fine when I'm with him. I don't feel awkward inside when I'm with him. It's just if I'm not around him or looking at him from a distance that I start to notice.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I should give up, but then something (probably wrong) keep making me think that he might like me. Arg, but that's rediculous. But if there is a chance he could like me, I don't want to let it pass me by.
Of course I love him, but I love many people. I'm just having a really hard time defining that word when it comes to James.




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