The various musing of a trans* guy
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2012-10-08 23:41:45 (UTC)

Promotion and excessive homework.

Today was my first evening at Air Cadets as a Corporal (I was given my strips over the weekend, at annual formal inspection). I guess it didn't go too badly. No, I dare say it didn't. Atkinson took forst parade very well, and then we spilt off into groups. I was with Sargent Burgmann leading the junior cadets. I did a bit of teaching, which I guess went fairly well. I ummed and ahhhed a little, but other than that I think it was fine from the feed back I got. At duties I went around with Sargent Burgmann and he told me how they mark duties, so I wll be able to do that. I took last parade. I called one line very loudly, so that was good. I forgot what some of the commands were because I was nervous, but I will go over then in my head before next parade evening, so I don't fuck it up again. Overall, I think it went quite well. Flight Sargent Ibbentson is settling into his new role, but I think he is finding it a challenge. He's doing very well though, really trying to look after everyone and make sure that the staff are happy. I wish I could tell him so, but it would very out of my place and someone two ranks below him.
James is a really great guy. I'm not really sure what I feel about him. I mean, it's not like there's even any point in deciding whether I'd want to go out with him or not, because he's straight and he knows I'm a trans guy, so it could never happen anyway. But he really is awesome. And very kind, and geeky and funny, and so understanding, and mature but he can still have a laugh and be silly but if I ever wanted to discuss something serious he would descuss it willingly. I could go on, but what would be the point? I know that there is not point trying to draw the line between love and friendship. I know that the line is a social construction anyway. I know I love all my friends.
But I had a dream about James the other day. I was lying against his chest. It was so warm and solid and strong. I wonder whether in the future I'm going to be able to stay friends with him. For other friends that I love, it is enough just to be around them, but I worry that my feeling for him are going to get in the way of our friendship or make me unduly sad. I really hope not, I don't want to have to loose contact with him.
Everyone hates Cyra. To be honest, I'm not sure I blame them. He complains a lot, and acts pretty self centred. I know he's going through some stuff in his head, but to be honest, I think he just wanting to be sad if he's being like this. He doesn't even try to be happy for a bit. Or it's not even that, it's like he doesn't try to make sure other people realise it's not their fault and hedoesn't try to make sure his bad mood doesn't effect other people. And I don't think it's fair of him.
My homework is getting rediculous. I do homework so much. It's just... argh!!!!

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