2012-10-03 18:25:10 (UTC)

Almost Annual Dump for Him

I had this really longstanding crush on Phil for a really, really long time. Like so long. I actually still like him and I lie to people that I'm over him. But what actually really hruts though is that last year he was so nice and so cool and even when I had to tell him that I did like him but I didn't want to freak him out before James fucked me over. And he could tell I was about to cry and he gave me a really long hug. I wish he was like that again, because this year everyone tells me he's so shady and that he's highly dislikeable this year and not so open anymore...he became one of THE guys, basketball loving, athletic senority sort of person. Who's looking for a girlfriend but kinda treats everyone badly and looks like a major douche. Like honestly I sit there and think to myself Wow, should I really dislike him now? He blew me off the same way. And I messaged him on FB asking if I could ask him something but he never replied. So I sit there on my bed now training myself to hate him, to ignore him, avoid him, leave him alone. But the moment I see him again all I do is freeze and everything I trained for just melts away and I have to look away. I have to look away because if he gives me another dirty look I'm going to break down. The thing is, I don't even like Phil anymore. I love him. This crush on him has been going on since November. It is now October. :( Every time I think about what to do with him I become depressed. And then on top of the fact that every time I think about James I clench my teeth and want to beat the shit out of him because he made everything so bad between Phil and I and it just went out of control and I feel like I was a factor in Phil's change.

Every time someone asks me if I still like Phil my first response would be yes, but then I bite my tongue and realize that saying yes, would put me through this exact thing where I'd have to be playing tag with who really likes Phil. The more I think about how much I like him the worse off I become. I can't get over him, naturally if he was the same as last year then I would've honestly grew out of it. But now, it's actually that the more he changes, the more I become so interested in wanting for him to change. So basically I'm liking him because a nice guy is turning into an asshole. It FUCKING sucks. Maybe he's trying to go through a bad guy phase but even then I can't handle it. I can't handle this. Honestly every time I want to pull him by his collar and drag him up the locker and scream so many things, I get frozen. I just freeze, or walk by, or ignore him. As I type this now my eyes are getting so hot. I remember Ify always telling me to just get over it, get over it and just how outstandingly angry it would make me. Angry that he was so right but he didn't understand that it was so fucking hard. You can't just NOT like someone. It attached to me. And every time someone says something about Phil I don't need to hear, it's like ripped from me and it takes so long for the happy side of me to grow back.
The thing about me is that I can crush on someone for like years, without having to tell them. As long as they're happy, I am over fucking joyed. I am just high. Of happiness. But when someone is hiding pain, or isn't themself anymore, I can tell. Because it hurts. It hurts me...and I just feel it.