twistedangel2012

The Wildflower
2012-10-03 02:42:41 (UTC)

New Years Resolution

This is something I wrote back in January or maybe even December.

I am a real person with real issues just like everybody else around us, I get sad, I am happy, I have fun... I sometimes self - destruct and I get angry... That's what these words are about below...

My New Years Resolution of 2012 is...

TO KNOW WHEN I AM GETTING ANGRY AND CONTROL IT... AND STOP IT.

Knowing when you are going to get angry and how angry, or knowing in time before you do something you might later and most likely will regret or at least wish you didn't.

I WROTE:

I will show patience to allow everybody's right to feel angry

ANGER: Is a reaction and never a good solution

How can we take the time to know what or who is responsible for our anger in the very heat of the moment. The vicious kind of anger that hits you fast and spins like a tornado, self destructing.

STEP 1
I tell those around me in my everyday life like my children, their parents, teachers and principles and anyone else that has ever taken wrath when my anger was out of control.

I will involve all of my children to help me in a small way to control my anger and avoid hurting them with my words as much as I can.

I do not call my children names, or ever hit them, but when I get angry I lash out, and usually just start telling them all to clean something or anything really. Its funny because in the moment, I am seeing what I am doing, I can see the hurt on their face... my throat hurts and I want to stop but it is so hard.

I want to learn to see it before than, and if I can only see it than, I want to walk away... but further than that, I want my children to understand why I am walking away, and know that when I come back in a few moments, I will own my anger and apologize, and still stand firm to what I wanted them to be doing but in a loving and nurturing way, the way a child needs... just as much as they need to know that they are going to get angry and anger is allowed, but it's up to us to control it.

When I start to feel anger, I try to catch myself as fast as possible... I tell the kids loudly... 10 minutes! and I walkk to the front steps of my house and just sit. When I go in, i get the kids together. I say I was angry and spoke out of line. That I am sorry if I hurt their feelings. After hugs and kisses, I affirm with the children where each of them should be and what they should be doing and calmly.

I can honestly say 9 out of 10 times I can make this work... even now. I had a few more slips than usual when I was hit with a ton of bricks, Or we could say when KARMA shot me a poisonous arrow to whoch recovery will never be fully possible.

This is of course when My Cupid, my children's best friend, my sons step father... took his own life by hanging. I still wonder if it is coincidence that his choice of going out was the same way my very Brother took his life only 3 years and 3 months before him.

Was he trying to hurt me? maybe he was, it is decided by many that My Cupids intentions were for me to find him... which did not happen.

I stood him up the night he begged me to come. I was exhausted from running my best friends baby shower that day and I had seen him earlier, he helped with the shower but refused to stay... he said he didn't feel as though he was wanted. When he was acting like he was, and when he looked pale and sick, I was ultimately worried.

He told me he had something to tell me, that it was important he get it off his chest. That it was something he had done to me, and that he apologizes in advance if he started to bawl when he told me. He also told me it had to be in person... at his house.

This is the night some think he chose to take his life. This is the last time anybody spoke to or saw him... but this is not the night his body was found... no, that night didn't come until exactly 7 days later... Saturday July 28th.

My grief and my anger were out of control. However, even through that, I still used my skills and always took ownership for my anger towards My Cupids death and apologize to who ever was in the way. Sincerely and with empathy.

It is now October of 2012. The year is almost over... What will be my new challenge...





Ad: