thatskyegirl

skyedreaming
2012-10-02 22:19:13 (UTC)

Hands Stained Red...

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My life has become very humdrum as of late. Wake up, cry, spend an hour trying to find the will to get out of bed, finally manage to pull myself down, go to class, go back to my room, sit in the dark, cry, random bouts of napping, cry some more, attempt to sleep only to be awake by a nightmare or two. Then I do it all again the next day.

I'm a robot simply going through all the motions, but today I noticed something I hadn't really noticed before. I've taken on so many characteristics of him. Within the dark, day-to-day struggles my life has become, those small little characteristics have become a security blanket for me.

I can't walk anywhere without my keys in my hand, swinging them by the lanyard, just like he always did. I would always yell at him for doing it, telling him he was going to hit someone, or hurt himself. Yet here I am, so many months later, doing that exact same thing he always did.

I can't walk across campus without seeing all these people I know, having their names pop up in my mind. He was a master at knowing people. Going somewhere with him meant you had to leave at least 30 minutes early. It was guaranteed he would at least run into one person he knew.

It's all these little things, these characteristics of him, that seem to keep me moving through my day to day existence. I feel, almost closer to him in some weird way. Like he's here, without really being here...


Sometimes, I wonder if he still thinks of me... I doubt it.

Sometimes, I wonder if he still cares about me, if he ever did care about me to begin with. I feel like this whole existence, our whole time together, was just some big joke. Some silly pawn in a game he was playing, and disposed of once she was no longer needed.

Sometimes, I wonder if he still loves me. I know I love him with all my heart, even to this day I still love him. No matter what, I think I always will love him.


I doubt it. Why would he care about me? Why would anyone care about me? What do I have to offer anyone? I can't be a good friend, I can't be a good daughter, I can't even be a good person.

I'm a complete and total mess that isn't deserving of anyone's love, especially his. I guess I had to learn this lesson the hard way.




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