molly

forever&always
2012-09-27 18:03:26 (UTC)

well wouldnt you know

I'm molly,
I'm 15 my birthday is in October,
I love fairs, I have only loved one person ever.
I am tired of being strong. I'm allowed to break too.

Today is okay I guess. I really should be doing school. But my brain is all over the place.

Hi. I'm Molly. I am that girl that around her few friends she is hyper happy and people are drawn to her. (Weird for me to say that about myself? No not really) I'm home-schooled yes I've been to public school and it almost killed me. No my mom doesn't teach me I have online teachers. I am that girl who isn't fat but has awesome curves. I'm that girl who be popular but I don't want to be. I am that girl that nice girl. But I am so much more than that. Way more than that.

I'm blonde and blue eyed. I'm 5'1. I have a desire to be famous to be known. My realistic career goal is a pre-k teacher. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. And I love to roller blade down the street. Why am I telling you all about this? Well its about my present and soon I will tell you about my past. Everyone has a story. I want to hear everyone I want to know about why a certain couple got married on such and such date I want to know how they met. Nosy? No curious.

Now I met Cole for the first time on a church trip to six flags. I didn't talk to him but I was attracted to him. I hung around with his now ex trying to get closer to him and then I remembered Josh. Josh is my now ex. Josh was very much a jack ass. I thought I never had a chance with Cole. And one night at a football game where I was suppose to being watching Josh. I saw Cole with his then girl I was already having issues at home later that week. I told my therapist I wanted to go back to the rehab center I had been to a year ago. She took me and off I went I didn't want to be around anyone and I got my wish. I was alone for 45 days. I went back and Cole had asked where I had been "Buddy" is what he said. I hated him even more. Why couldn't he notice me? No where I remember saying and then going to find Josh. Josh would never say he loved me and that's the words I never wanted to hear from anyone.

Hearing "I love you" meant relationships meant talking I don't like talking... Ever since I was younger I never let anyone in. Not even my own mother I shut out what few friends I did have because I didn't want them to love me. I didn't want them to love me either. I wanted to see them leave me like everyone else always has. I didn't want any of that. I was heartless. Like a few of my family members always said "Cold-Heartless bitch." Even when they thought I didn't hear I did. But I didn't care. It was true. I never cried. Never got emotional when the kids at school called me a lesbian. Never. I didn't think things were cute. But I couldn't go in a closet. I hated sleep overs. Because everyone fell asleep before me. And that just reminded me of my bio dad falling asleep on top of me after touching.I hated the smell of vanilla and hated mouth wash. I didn't like hugs or touching in general from guys.

Cole was the only person I ever had dreams about. And it scared me. But on new years eve there was a lock in. And that night was the night I actually talked to Cole for more than two seconds. And it was great. And when I got home new years day at 7 am I went home and passed out and had a dream of Cole. And me. Him telling me he loved me and me saying it back. That scared me.

Now by that time I cut myself away from Cole and Josh. I didn't want any of this to happen. But on the 29th of February I got a text. Right before I was about to down a bottle of pills. I put the bottle down and looked at the screen.
"Hey buddy. Whats wrong?"
I told him. All I was feeling. about my self esteem. my wants. how I couldn't take it anymore. How I wanted to be liked. And not by josh. And not just because of my curves. HE told me someone likes me that isn't that "jack ass josh" he told me that indeed and in fact it was him. And after that. I was play doh. And I fell. But I was caught. I didn't hit the ground.




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