Phillip Wilson

Amazingly, I survived my Life
2011-09-17 00:00:13 (UTC)

1986 REVIEW (PART THIRTEEN)

14-20 October, Franklin/Columbia/Fayetteville/Murfeesboro, Tn.
Lebanon/Lawrenceburg/Savannah/Henderson, Tn.
Lexington/Parker's Crossroads, Tn.
Wilderburg, Tn. (continues)

(17th, About 7:17 P.M.) Hell! I didn't get to the lot until, about 2 hours ago! Rhonda, Andrea, Dottie, and I travelled in the Bobcat, leavving from Fayetteville around 6:30 this morning, to, first, Murfeesboro, to drop off Dottie - her trailer was in the shop. It wasn't ready, so she rented a motel room, which constitures quite an episode, and I will relate it later.
Rhonda, Andrea, and I, then, continued on to Lebanon to retrieve the van, being repaired, and the wagon, from a G & L Auto repair, on 231 South. This required a wait, once we located the place, of an hour or so - but I didn't mind, or care!
(pause).
It was a beautiful sunny, bright day. And it was warm!
The van, which was given a new engine, wouldn't start after a gasoline stop; so two 'jumps' were required.
I played the obnoxious asshole today; what do you expect! All morning Rhonda, Andrea, and Dottie talked about men - big hunks - and how the good-looking, broad shoulders ones were good for a quickie, even though the personality and intellect may be in question.
How do you think I feel - how many women will even give a skinny, balding man a sexual chance?
So I decided to be what women liked: a smart-ass, an obnoxous boor.
Of course, riding back with Rhonda, alone, I wasn't so bad, even though I did discuss and hint of sex.

(about 7:47 P.M.) Of course, I missed the 4:30 performance! So how can I report on it?
This evening (7:00) performance, though is a 7/8 'house.' I presented Luigi without the benefit of an afternoon run-through; but I came through it, and made the mark.
This Trapp Field lot is not the same one, I don't think, that provided space for this show back in 1984. That 'stand' remains vivid: Leslie and Bill visited. And of all the date, that season, Lawrenceburg had an extra, third performance, at 4:30 (it was a Saturday, regular shows at 2:00 and 8:00).
So I guess I am even with this city; 2 shows, it averages out, both times here.
Anyway, I have a feeling that I pushed Rhonda away from me. Maybe it's just as well. Maybe she is not right for me.
As for Dottie: Rhonda found her a motel. Soon, however, out they came, Dottie crying and cursing. I never did find out why, but we priced another one.
She ended up at the original one, though.

(18th, About 8:37 A.M.) Back to business; a 'new' season is beginning. There is no longer any reason to chase Rhonda: nothing seems to be working. Apparently, she is afraid, repulsed, etc. by me. Se why waste my time?
It would really be a good match, Rhonda and I; but what more can I do to push it? Should I be aggresive and forceful?
Should I be macho and demand a union?
Since I have been advised to go with the flow, it's now her move.
Three weeks - that is all the time I have to accompliah this very improble feat.
Yesterday I called her bluff on a couple of . . .

(interruption for a conversation with Bob Gardiner).

(about 9:18 A.M.) . . . times; mainly whenever she would announce and 'brag' about her many sexual liaisons. I informed her that it is very common for these hornblowers to be talkers and not doers. And it may have hit home.
I called her inconsistant and contradictory: she keeps saying she actually likes the cerebral type - but then 'drools' and limits her supposed sex life to the dumb hunks.
I was impressed with the way Rhonda was the Big Sister to Andrea.
But why run after Rhonda? She could very well be a disappointment!
This 'new' season has begun with bright Sun. The local Fairgrounds is, once again, the playing area for us.
By the way, it was a repeat of the Lawrenceburg lot; I realized such this morning. I recall the ball field, the restrooms, the lay of the land.
The Office was late arriving for the 1984 Lawrenceburg stand - it came on the lot around 1:00 P.M. for the 2:00 matinee.

(about) 10:40 A.M.) The Mime act that I presently put out, is the result of many years of struggle and conflict; the getting here was exciting and, to tell the truth, accidental. I never really knew what to do.
Chasing Rhonda is - or was - exciting, and I don't know what to do.
Once I arrived with Mime, it became a bore, a drag to do; I almost hate what has been kind to me.
IF! I, by some miracle - or castastraphe - was to 'win' Rhonda, would I turn, then, against her? For it is not Rhonda I am seeking - it is a part of myself, a reaching out for a new challenge, another hill to conquer.
There is much more to my motives, and I will be jotting them down as I figure them out.
Of course, you can't always get what you want!

(about 2:11 P.M.) I didn't gain independence when I loosen up on Mime and applied my energies to the Rhonda situation: I just transferred it. For many years - in fact, until recently - Mime is what made my life worthwhile, justified it.
Or so I felt.
But isn't this insane quest for a romantic connection with Rhonda being pursued in the same vain? Haven't I been feeling that Rhonda is my only chance for life, that living is useless without a mate, and that time is running out, that Ronda is my last time at bat?
Snap out of it!
So it's back to Luigi!
What is it that is humorous about measuring the space between the trapeze upright and a quarter pole, then measuring my shoulders, and walking through the passageway? This piece of business seems to work, for whatever reason.
A good-size crowd came out to this 2:00 matinee, and they are relaxed and loose.

(about 7:07 P.M.) We are speaaking of dirt and rock/gravel.
The evening 'house' is slightly littler than the matinee 'house.'
It is difficult to judge the response; my mind is occupied with the Rhonda circumstances. Part of me want to escape this witch, the other part want to cling to the bitch.
Why, anyway, am a chasing a cheap whore? She is degrading herself, and why should I stoop to her, mymphomaniacal level?!
I was finally able to overcome the 'Alien' thoughts - and I actually drew some reaction!
Remind me to commit myself at the end of this season, for even considering a 'thing' as Rhonda.

(19th, About 2:06 P.M.) Where have you been, Sun! A pretender has been on your throne! But only you - the real you - can provide the Warmth we all need!
I actually was able to bathe under a water spicket earlier!
The Fairgrounds/ball park is the stage today.
Since today was payday . . .
This 2:00 P.M. performance is nicely attended, with a good active audience.
Rhonda still haunts me; I guess it's now or never. Maybe - if everythings goes as plan - I will have 'stuff' left over from yesterday's self-sex.

(about 4:36 P.M.) When I left the Big Top seconds ago, the 'house' was small; but a bunch are still arriving. So the final count must wait.
Damn! this warmth is nice!
My energy is being drained by you know who. But for a mid-afternoon Sunday crowd, it was what I expected.
I put out $2 on the water bill earlier.

(about 7:53 P.M.) It's no use! If Rhonda was hinting the other night of a sexual liaison, I will never get a chance to rectify my stupidity; I all but came out and said it over a snack at a nearby restaurant earlier. She may have picied it up, but I don't expect action.
Oh well! live and learn! I just hope we can depart as friends.
I watched the Washer Woman from the first row of the seating section in front of Ring 4; and I must say, Flip is impressive. Darrren could be - if he could only move!
I guess it just you and me again, Luigi! Women may adore you, Luigi, but I disgust them.
Women who fall in love with you, Luigi, wouldn't even give me the time of day!
How much longer can Luigi keep me going?

(20th, About 9:32 A.M.) It is another lovely autumn morning, with the Sun in its kingdom again.
The lot is beautiful: Parker's Crossroads, a city park, that is, in actuality, about 10 miles outside Lexington, in an area called Wildersburg. It is on Highway 22.
It took so many years to get control of my life - and about 2 weeks to lose it! Rhonda is by no means directly responsible; it's just that I didn't know how to handle or interpret the situation.
So I begin again; maybe this time I will not be distracted from the right path.
Geary forked over $15 this morning for trash pick-up.
Maybe I can straighten out my temporary bewildment before the season closes.

(about 11:50 A.M.) If it's not broke, why try to fix it? I have developed a way to appease my libido- to protrate myself, raise up on my elbows, and watch the reflection of my bare ass in a mirror. I will, by this method, release the sex energy that accumalates, and which I don't use, and allows me, then, to concentrate on greater things.
And here I am, trying to channel the sex force into a 'perverted, abnormal' direction! Why let life suffer just because of a fantasy? I was doing great without it!
So I am returning to the only arrangement that seems to work: I went into the woods earlier, read, sleep, meditated, and then I returned to my sleeper and took care of the beast within.

(about 5:25 P.M.) Our presence here at Parker's Crossroads is curtesy of 2 local radio stations - and I had a brief interview on a remote that one is holding in the Big Top. While waiting for 'doors,' I was asked if I could spare a minute or two.
Rusty soon was drawn, by his own invitation, to the interviewer.
My big statement was that I look like Grampa Munster, from the sirties T.V. series THE MUNSTERS; this was in responce to a question regarding children being frighten of Clowns.
The 'house' for this 4:30 P.M. performance is about 3/4, maybe 2/3; the feedback quality is average, which means that I, at least, didn't slip in the ratings.
The gloves I wore for Come-in (glitter on the front) seem to really help juggling - better so than the black palms-white front does.
And the small 'wallet' fell from the inside pocket of my tails; it's time for a change of pace, anyway, and now I am forced into it.

(about 8:10 P.M.) Well, I hope I am happy! I had a nice friendship with Rhonda - but I had to go and try for more! I invited her to restaurant last night, and started in on a spill about my unique brand of masculinity. And I kept telling her that I have 3 weeks to accomplished something.
I think she caght my drift; and anyway she stopped my speech.
Why couldn't I leave well enough alone? Now I have blown a good relation, by hinting at a more intimate partnership.
I have no one to blame but myself.
There is a forested area that provided me wih a great outing this morning.
I wrote down the words of two Englebert Humpeldink songs ("Please Release me" and "Spanish Eyes") as the album was dictating the lyrics, this afternoon, for Pepe, the trumpet player. So, you see, life can be useful and fun in spite of the mistake with Rhonda.

(about 8:55 P.M.) C'est la Vie!
There are a hundred or so more patrons at this evening (8:00) performance; and it is one of those crowds which can not be dependent upon to give out a fair critique of the offerings.
They are just a rully, out-to-entertain themselves bunch.
Rusty did my style in Come-in: walking around as if he is a 'person,' eating popcorn, staring at the audience, not doing any trick or anything. He proided me with a mirror of sorts, affording me the opportunity of studying my own act.
It was as if he was my son out there!
Another audience favorite seems to be when I peep under the Preferred seats curtain.
What in the world can happen in 3 weeks that could possibly top what has recently happened?
So Mime is all I have to look forward to in the future, huh?!!

21 October (Tuesday), Milan, Tn,

(About 9:53 A.M.) I am doing laundry at the Clothes Pins, located near a shopping complex, about a half-mile from the lot, which is by Telecom; it is a split lot, with a road between the main backyard, and the other areas.
It is a lovely, bright, warm, sunny day.
(I have just caught sight of a poster: The Circus, under the auspices of the Rotary Club, is setting up on Telecom Drive, across from Ceco Corporation.).
Rhonda brought me down, after a stop at the Post Office where I sent a birthday card to Jesse.
Rusty also came along.
Speaking of Rhonda, she is at least speaking to me.

(about 11:36 A.M.) There are only four rings, but everything has managed to find a place on the same field.
Flip told me this morning that she knows of my girlfriend. I didn't.
A teen-age girl (17 or 18) would liked my work; was asking for me. He name was Serzi.
How about the mother?!
I purchased a pack of generic cigarettes this morning; I am sick of bumming, and I enjoy a cigarette every now and then.
I should have something exciting to report tomorrow: see me later.

(about 5:20 P.M.) A bunch of people came to the afternoon (4:30) performance; and they appear to be making the most of it - the best of a bad situation, so to speak.
They liked Luigi. Either they are not overly smart, or I am good at what I do!
What a lovely autumn day!
Peace of mind has returned: I am ambitious about mime, about life - and about sex. I will find out tonightt how I stand!
Clean clothes will do it every time.
Hell! I am even optimistist about the future!

(about 8:16 P.M.) And the tension builds! I am as nervous as a school boy on his first date!
This evening (7:30, moved back from 7:00) performance has a full 'house'; and it is a loud, vocal, enthusiastic one.
Though my excitment and anxiety are elsewhere. The audience -customers - are a bore and in the way. There is something a lot more thrilling that I will attempt tonight.

22 October-1 November, Dyersburg/Millington, Tn./Wynne/Searcy, Ar.
Russellville/Booneville/Mena/Texarkana, Ar.
Marshall/Longview/Athens, Tx

(22nd, About 12:17 P.M.) I am still awaiting the fulfillment of my fantasy - don't rush me!
Here we are: across from Clark Distributing, a business that sends out beer. What a place for a Circus!
It is overcast, but warm.

(about 5:17 P.M.) Someone once suggested that the reason the South lost the war was because they always came late to a battle.
It kills me the lackadasical, tardy way that people attend events and functions down here; hell! it look as if the attendence would be horrible for this afternoon (4:30) performance. But, as the Come-in period wound down, the traffic increased. The 'house' is now at about 5/8.
It may be that many in the audience are attendinng a Circus for the first time - they seemed puzzled at me, then shocked, then pleased.
Imagine! My style is the first kind of clown they see. Do I spoil them, and turn them away from the norm? I hope so.
I sometimes become offended at the voyeurs that comprised an audience; the workings and power of Mime are exciting.
I am wondering how far Luigi can go with a 'show.'
But performing doesn't do much for me anymore.
If only I could get some teaching spots!
As for later . . .

(about 8:20 P.M.) The major event of the day so far - so far! - is what happened during Boxing of the first show: Rusty hit Darren with a cream pie! The entire outfit is talking about it, some against it (Flip, Rhonda, etc), but most on the side of Rusty.
Granted, it was unprofessional, unethical, childish; but Darren has been pushing it too far.
I confess I may have planted the seed in Rusty's mind - surely you don't think he is that creative! - and encouraged him to get all the necessary items together - but hell! I was in Bullfight, and wasn't directly involved.
Should someone of my artistic status support such nonsence?
Geary has been unprofessional by letting the guy (Darren) remain with the show! So he really can't say anything!
I did a 'quickie' right after the whistle blew to officially begin the evening (7:30) performance: a female ptographer asked me a few questions - on my juggling!
So much for working hard on a Mime act! My secondary skill is more appreciated.
And Flip handed me a feather, as she came out of the Washer Woman, and I was doing my Walk-around, saying it was from my girlfriend.
So I have another young fan, huh?
This evening performance was pushed back to 7:30 rom 7:00; so people came on time. I don't suppose they knew about the time change.

(23rd, About 11:01 A.M.) I finally did it! I hinted at a sexual visit to Rhonda! But her reaction wasn't what I expected.
She laughed in my face! Not a mean laugh, but it was humiliating enough.
So I and my damaged ego walked down to the Dairy Queen - it was as if I was a film star, the stares I got! - and I was soon back to normal.
Flip and Rhonda were planning a night out at the bar across from the lot. I did not desire to be where Rhonda was, but Vince and I went over. We sat down at the table where Rhonda and Flip were (I was next to Rhonda) and I soon 'confessed' to Flip that Rusty wasn't creative enough to come up with a pie in the face trick, and I had strongly suggested it to him.
Flip claims she is able to levy a $10 fine on Rusty; but that remains to be seen. She said I should pay half, given my involvment.
Anyway, I soon joined Tim (elephant handler) at the counter, and bought him a beer.
I had two beers, and smoked much. Rhonda caught my act.
The future of Rhonda and me is questionable. And I really don't care! After all, she is, basicly, a whore.
So it's back to the ascetic life!
We are 'camped' at the Naval Air Station Memphis, south of the recreation center. This base is where Larry Smith, Jane's first husband, was stationed in the sixties, and Jane was with him.
It's strange, but I am very happy, easy-going, calm this morning. Maybe it's because a burden is now off my shoulders. It was a most enlightening erperience, possibly more than the hoped-for tryst would have been.
So I will end this season as I began it - without 'knowing' Rhonda or any othr female with this outfit.
Rhonda deserved to be used by Ramon, as she surely will be in the free-lance act they will be presenting.
And Rhonda thinks she is independent?!
The sky is very overcasted; light rain fell early this morning, and last nnight. Is more on the way?
Rusty and I had a good and frank discussion about Flip, Rhonda, Darren, etc., during the jump this morning.
Get this: Flip said that my part in the escapades of yesterday was unprofessional! And this from someone who is drunk and smelling like a brewery when she is hawking Coloring books during the blow-pff! What hypocrisies! What nerve!
And so the jokes and paybacks continue!

(about 4:36 P.M.) It is falling, finally. It is a fair size rain storm.
This is my first show, post-seduction attempt; and if seems strange to still be on this job without a relationship of some sort with Rhonda.
This afternoon performance is, obviously, mainly Navy and Marine personnel. In size, the audience comprises about a 5/8 'house.'
I wasn't able to draw much from them during Come-in; of course, the fault may be mine. Is there any chance of getting Rhonda back, at least as a friend? Or has my greediness divorced me from her?
These last 2 weeks will be tough without her.
But such is life! Especially the one I am in charge of.
A female (late teens? early twenties?) asked for my signature during one of my trips around the track. That was almost enough to make the 'show' worthwhile.

(about 7:12 P.M.) More people came to the evening (7:00) performance, in spite of the inclement weather. In reception and response, though, it is more or less a repeat of the earlier show.
The lot is becoming muddy; and messy.

(about 8:45 P.M.) Before sighing off today, let me say bye to Tennessee, at least as a state that provides dates for Circus work - this is the closing of the Carson and Barnes Circus in 1986.
There has been some bad stands; but, basicly, the circus-goers in this state were very good to me.
Thank you!
Two more states!

(24th, About 12:15 P.M.) It is cold, rainy, and miserable. The lot was to be by a shut-down K-Mart, down from a plaza, but the field is water-logged, and so he show has set up on brown gravel, by a grain silo.
It is not a heavvy rain, but of the obnoxious variety: the light, steady sort which drives one batty.
Two weeks are all I have to regain Rhonda's friendship, the relationship that existed before I involved sex. I may can do it.
It is amazing how I am accepted by a group of workers, at a Pie Car gatherings: people like cowboy, Kenny (Elephants) Mike West, etc. My misanthropy is based on an innsecurity and inferiority complex; as one who is investigating how people 'work,' the dealings of people with people, this socializing is very important.
Besides, I am accepted as a 'star'!
Arkansas has been one of several Mid-West states where flooding has been the norm; the entire Arkansas tour could be suck-ass like this.
The seasson will end like a lion, huh!

(about 5:51 P.M.) Damn! if it's not getting cold!
This 5:00, afternoon performance is almost full, about a 7/8 'house.' The audience seems to be open-minded, willing to accept almost anything (or maybe they're just plain stupid!).
Due to the inclement weather, I dressed Luigi in rubber trousers, rain boots, ruffled shirt, blue-lined bow tie, and blue metallic shirt. So was it really Luigi?
Is it the wardrobe, or the character, Luigi? Sometimes it becomes confusing.
Pepe, the trumpet player, and I had another discussion about love. He stated that an artist, no matter the media, must be above this emotion, must concentrate the energy on his/her art.
An artist must have freedom, freedom which love prohibits.
Maybe he's right; it could be that I just need a booster 'shot' for Luigi.
Can Luigi 'advance,' change? I'm worried that he will not have the energy to do so.
So I turn to love, a place where I don't belong.
But then again . . .

(about 7:43 P.M.) This 7:00 P.M. performance, which was a half-hour late in starting, is, more or less, a repeat of the eartier one. There may be several more people, with the resulting response 'bigger' and louder, but the mud is still there.
My Come-in 'show,' this secong time, was more intense; but, face it!, a day like this really doesn't count. I am forced to do Bull fight in rain gear, thereby cutting down on the sensationalism of the black Body Suit.
The audience, of course, may be interested only in how a circus contends with mud. The sadists!
Four rings today.
And cold!

(25th, About 2:17 P.M.) A whole heap of people are in attendence at this afternoon (2:00) performance, even though there are only four rings (how did they know? how could they have known?!)
Another Fairgrounds.
Overcast has threatened action, but, so far at least, nothing has happened. He is not so bad as this morning, when it turned rather dark.
Sun is advancing rapidly.

(about 2:57 P.M.) Sun has come and gone; oh, well!
'Doors' were opened early for this matinee, so I walked onto an incoming crowd. There were a good many already in the backed-preferred seating when I began the juggling display.
Flash! Flash! Flash! It was as if I was the president, or a film star, or a famous atheletic! It was a picture-taking bunch!
The audience - or, I should say, a portion of it - was not exactly a culturally-enlighten, high class deletantes. But this oft-spoken inherent sophisication was at play - it had to be: my style really touched them!
It's funny: the more red-neck, the more the acceptance.

(about 3:25 P.M.) Overcast was patronized - he was allowed to drop a load briefly; but then Sun took over, and, hopefully, will stick wih the command, for a while anyway.
It finally happened: I had a female sexual encounter of the terrific kind.
Not Rhonda, although she was who I fantasied in the bed with me. . .
Flip; and what a job she did!
Being the aggresive, prossessive woman she is, she took command. Oral sex is her forte. She carressed and pulled my penis and testes until I was afraid I would lose them. Any erection I would have had was smoothed out.
Flip was really devouring my genitalia she especially loved my pubic 'jungle.'
It was after a short rest period (nothing is as unsexy as a obstreperous sleeping female!) Flip discovered I was on 'hard'; so she resumed her control of me.
The pain was great! pleasurable! enervating! torturous!
I had no idea pain could be so welcomed! Am I a masochist?
I had no idea such pleasure existed in the world!
What an apetite the woman has!
I had played with her breasts, and rear end, and even fingered her (is she still menstuating, at her age - 40 - ?), which she liked, but was more interested in taking charge of me.
And, of course, it was heaven when she stared at my body!
What led to this meeting? I asked Rhonda to accompany me to a restaurant, but was rejected; so I had a pizzaburger and molt, as a solo act, across the street.
I then purchased a pack of cigarettes down the street.
Next: reading (currently, "The Hound Of The Baskervilles" by A Conan Doyle). first in my room, then, after the lights went out, under an all-night spotlight connectd to the grain silo, where I sat on a step.
Since I have decided to spend more time at pie car parties and learn of another side of life, the side books and scholarship ignore, I joined Mike West, Bob Gardiner, Vince, and Flip for a social.
The discussion included the 'Pie-in-the-face' incident, clowning, mime, etc.
Flip invited Bob, Mike, and me to her house; Mike didn't show up.
I had a beer at the Pie Car; Flip served me 4-5 more.
This trio discussion was concerning Clown Alley, Rusty, Darren, Music, etc.
At a late moment, Flip asked me if I was straight. I kept answerng 'straight what?".
I eventually put my arm around her. She began to play with my left thigh.
Around 2:35 A.M., as the party was breaking up, Flip asked if I wanted to stay the 'night.' Several times she asked was I sure, as if I would go 'bananas' around a naked woman.
Flip's Mother, Joan, was asleep on the back bed.
After Bob left, Flip went outside - and threw up! How romantic, right!
When she returned, we began the necking.
She made out the bed (the table can be turned in to one.).
She went into the bathroom, and 'changed' into a nightgown.
I undressed down to my underwear, in her view (I had on long underwear, too, remember!).
Once in bed, she reached into my underwear, and I took them off. And I uncovered her breasts.
Then the kneading began.
Needless to say, the obsession with my male member was most gratifying and confidence-building.
I have had an hour's sleep since about 5:00 A.M. yesterday.
But the pleasure/pain was well worth it!
How can anyone bring such sensation out of somebody else?!

(about 7:06 P.M.) The crowd for this evening performance is not as unruly, or as big in number, as the earlier one. I felt more intense interest, though.
We all know that my 'show' must be really studied.
Overcast snook back into the throne room, and pelted us with a couple of rain periods.
What happened, Sun?!
Reckon Flip will reccomend me to Paricia White, and/or Rhonda?
You know, I could really get use to coitus. All these years of deprivation!
Sex is just what Luigi needed; another new beginning.

(26th, About 2:16 P.M.) It was only a few days ago when I was depressed and pining for Rhonda; as you recall, I even propositioned her.
But then the encounter with Flip.
It was sex I wanted, more than a relationship.
Although I still go for Rhonda, my chase is of a different method.
The people are tickled that I just stand, while the ocean of bodies flow around me.
It is a full 'house' for this 2:00 performance. And once the crowd gets over the shock nd surprise of my 'show,' most appreciate it.

(about 2:47 P.M.) This Pope County Fairgrounds - which has provided me a shower, hot water even - is stll permeated with mud:
And this morning was payday.
In the former case, Sun comes out and stays for a good while, leaves for re-enforcements, returns, but really hasn't done much.
As for the latter, if it was year round money, and I lived on the road constantly, it wouldn't bother me. But in 2 weeks, I will not even get the peanuts paid me here - unless I can book something.
A bird in the hand is damn well worth 2 in the bush.

(about 3:14 P.M.) The Circus Fan/photographer, who 'shot' me in Costume, on board the Circus train during the Milwaukee stand, is back with us, and he captured me in my body suit on film.
A woman made a special trip down to the track to photograph me during Walk-around.
An ass-hole, during Come-in work at the front Corner seating section, came over to me and asked for a dollar. When I shook my head no, he wanted something else. This innocent bastard took my offered ticket, and teased me about giving it back. I soon flicked my left hand in disgust and started to walk off. Only then would he give it back.
I avoided this section from then on.

(about 4:46 P.M.) This is a town that is apparently hung-up on religion - the herd of Circus-goers for the 4:30 performance is only 1/3 or so the size of the first bunch.
Rusty is working the Souveneir (T-shirts, etc.), since Dottie is, once again, on leave to have her van/house re-repaired. I am, therefore, the only Come-in presenter; the audience either likes my 'show,' or they can damn go to sleep!
Fortunately, it is liked! Or they make themselves get into it, having forked out hard-earned cash for admittance.
I ejaculated earlier; the woman-sex with Flip has spoiled me, and I just don't seem to enjoy a solo act.
A Horse shoe should be lucky, right? Hell! one just fell on my make-up mirror, demolishing one of the lights!

(about 6:27 P.M.) Rhonda and I just can't seem to connect; maybe we are not doomed to be a couple.
Flip is chasing me; I am chasing Rhonda: isn't it funny how you always go after what is rapidly speeding away!
While on a morning shopping 'date' with Rhonda a while back (in the good old days!) I purchased a pair of rubbers (not THAT kind! The kind that goes over shoes as a protection against damp and wetness), mainly to impress Rhonda with my buying discrimination, and I had no plans to ever even use them.
But this $5 purchase has really been handy the last 3-4 days, given the wet stages that has been our gifts.

(27th, About 10:14 A.M.) We are stuck out here, around nothing - but wait a moment! There is nature! And it is gorgerous!
The lot is a field on Highway 10 E.
Ramon's son fell in a ditch Saturday night, hitting his head on a rock, stick, or something. Rhonda, Flip, Rusty, and I, along with several of the kids, were to visit the Jaycees Haunted Ho use, right behind the elephants.
Rhonda really demostrated her Motherness.
According to Rhonda, Eric (the kid's name) was talking incoherently, nonsensical, and couldn't remember (so the child said; it could be the amnesea was a calculated attempt for attention) the accident, even - or the Haunted House.
Rhonda convinced Ramon to take his son to the hospital.
Eric was o'kay.
I think that Rhonda was showing Ramon that she could be a great mother for his son; Rhonda,, in spite of her many protestations, is really very much interested in a match with Ramon. She is trying all she can to 'possess' him.
So, Ramon, I bow out to you; I don't stand a chance against you.
Geary paid me $15 for trash pick-up.
I paid Mike West $2 for water service.
Daylight time is no longer in effect, as of early Sunday morning. It is, therefore, about 10:32 A.M. Central Standard time.
Twenty-six more performances.

(about 5:15 P.M.) It didn't look as if the afternoon (4:30) performance would have a decent crowd; but a 5/8 'house' is in the Big Top, at present.
It is a very lackadasical, laid-back group, not overly responsiive, but that could be my fault.
The photographer who is here, and photographed trash pick-up this morning, have provided me with great feedback and imput; he, too, saids I am a natural, and organic (I am real, the Big Top and trappings are fake).
With this kind of statement, how could I ever leave this field?
It is a beautiful, bright, warm Autumn day.
I completed "The Hound Of The Baskervilles," the Sherlock Holmes tale, this morning.

(about 7:11 P.M.) More people are in attendence at this evening performance; and once again this inherent appreciation is taking over: much of the audience is the, at least in appearance, 'red-neck,' unsophisciated, uncultural sort.
But they appear to be having a good time.
I just don't see how I could ever do Stage, with the facial emphasis I am a slave to . But I suppose I will keep after that medium.
Pepe (trumpet player) and I had a discussion at Sizzler Restaurant last night; after he guess at a lot of stuff, the conclusion was reached that I had nothing to offer Rhonda, that I should stick with Flip.
Maybe I should. I am considering such.
Cold has replaced Sun. Darkness comes early, but, as a pay-off, leaves before trash pick-up.

(about 8:32 P.M.)
Only four rings.
No Spec.
It is Cold!
For the first time, I noticed that the audience toned down its boisterousness, its recklessness, as the performance progressed. Was this disappointment, - or were they spellbound and dazzled by what they saw?
I was hoping that Rhonda would accompany me to an eating place after the second show yesterday, but by the time I was ready to go, she was in her room with the door closed. So I went solo.
She was gone when I returned.
I did maintance on my Body Suit, hoping it will last the two weeks left in the season (this involved sewing a rip that was under the left arm pit); when I finished, I felt that I uust had to locate Rhonda.
Just being near her does more than most anything else.
So I, once again, walked towards the business area, not far from the Fairgrounds. I was hurting bad, and she was my only medicine.
I met Pepe instead. And I learned the Circus bus 'ran' out to the Mall.
So I may be losing my angel.
Is Flip the replacement, the alternative? Is Flip reality, Rhonda fantasy?
Sould I be contended with reality, run from fantasy.
Of course, it's not as if a man like me has a chose; beggers are not choosy.

(28th, About 9:43 A.M.) After a painfully cold night/early morning, Sun is rather embarrassed, and is trying to make amends; it is beauiful bright, warm effulgence coming from that warrior.
I just may be able to take another bucket bath this afternoon.
It was a beautiful drive this morning along Highways 23 and 71. The Ouachita National Forest covers this area - and what a treat! A genius scene painting really oudid himself in designing and executing a background for our visit.
The production is of high quality.
This lot, grassy and nice, is by a car wash, across from Log Cabins rental, about 3 miles from town. There are no stores or restaurant that I can see nearby.
This is the Arkansas closing. It has been a short but enjoyable tour.
My experiment of socializing at the Pie Car doesn't seem to be working; so it's back to the books. Maybe I won't be diverted by a Rhonda anymore.
Twenty-four performance - that's all this 1986, Golden Anniversary, season has heft.

(about 4:30 P.M.) The mostly dirt Big Top area was only about 5/8 full when I left Come-im; and it was a show where I felt I was only presenting an act for myself. I didn't feel the usual association. The nature of the problem is not decided yet, but I felt the quarter poles understood and was getting into it more.
One can't win everyday.
While I continue to read Freud, I will also be checking out "Star Dog," a very light science friction paperback by A.M. Lightner.
With all the 'classics' I have waiting for my perusal, I read 'junk'!

(about 7:17 P.M.) This evening performance is not unlike the one earlier: the 'house' may be a tad larger, the reaction and intrerplay may be improved; but I wouldn't say this day was an exceptional one for artistic development - although I do believe the evening Come-in 'show' preented more of the 'I am lost! Who are these people?' element.
What is on my mind is, How do I sell Luigi? Should I, once again, risk all for stage? But how do I approach that medium?
And how should I spend he next ten days, as a ascetic, or party person?
The 'relationship' with Rhonda is dying, in the tacit, slow way it was born.
Although she did leave me with a knowledge of 'love,' and she did open my eyes to the hypsocrisies of women.
My niavete is melting away.

(29th, About 11:16 A.M.) Today is still an Arkansas date - but Texarkana? - it is really a 4 state stand.
In fact, the circus has been given permission to set up here at the Four State Fairgrounds, a breathtakingly beautiful nature area. I hope to explore and exercise my right as a U.S. Citizen and explore this paradise.
Sun is doing its part to make this a great day.
All through life I have gone after one thing; only to have something that apeare inferior, but is, in fact, what I should have been seeking, fall in my hands. For instance, I have always ran after a vague, cloudly image of Stage; Circus Stardom has recruited me. Most people would see the Circus as a come-down, 'loser's' alternative to the world of the Stage.
But it is well known how the Circus is the medium best suited for my act.
Fortunately - or unfortunately.
I have reported my attempted liaison with Rhonda; it failed to come to me.
In its stead, a relationship with Flip has fulfilled the need and hunger for female attention.
Flip, who is definetely not Rhonda's equal in physical appearance - in fact, must be deemed inferior - has surfaced to cover the extra-cirriculum that is seeking fulfillment.
And she may be better for me than Rhonda!
We had another union this morning.
I went to the Pie Car last night to settle the two dollars that Chris, a Horse caretaker, owed me.
O'kay, I will admitt - but only to you! - that I had something else in the back of my mind! - but I did socialize and let the workers know I am human.

(about 4:40 P.M.) Spring has return for a brief but welcomed visit; it can stay as long as it likes.
It is a full 'house' for this afternoon (4:30) performance. And Spec will be held.
Due to fatigue - I only managed to sleep an hour around mid-morning - I was unable to grab hold of the mysterious and elusive 'somthing' which connects me with the audience. My concentration level was way off for the Come-in 'show.'
And it was a good crowd to test! Damn Sex! (I didn't mean it!!).
Flip and I , and 2 animal handlers, stood by a dumpster and talked after the Pie Car closed.

(about 5:25 P.M.) I be damned if it isn't a SRO crowd in the Big Top.
I found a half smoked cigarette on the ground outside the entrance, as I was coming from Spec to my room.
And I was high on tobacco for the Walk-around!
Everything was so strange and out-of-focus. The first cigarette of the day puts me on a buzz.
All the people were freaking me out. I have never experienced such a sensation before. It was as if I was really lost and amazed and puzzled by this new situation.
Let's not make a habit of it!
Anyway, one of the Animal handlers - the big built, tall, blonde glasses wearer, who is rumored Flip's new boyfriend - left after a while, leaving Scare (Danny), Flip, and me.
The 3 of us discussed several topics, including the stars. I pointed out some constellations for them.
Flip and I both wanted to be alone; so soon she announced that there was a newspaper article she wanted to show me.
We adjourned to her trailer, leaving Scare to do whatever he dared to do.
Of course, there was no newspaper article!
I was invited in, and we talked, and shared beer. The conversation included shop talk, and intellectual topics.
But we eventually turned our focus to to bed.

(about 8:11 P.M.) Twelve years ago, lacking about 2 weeks, I began the Circus phase of my clowning career on Circus Americana Circus, the 4-week Winter show that Carson and Barnes sponsored. it was managed by Manuel King, and was an outdoor, one-ringer. Terarkana was the first stop, holding us for a week.
I've come along way!
It really hadn't made much of a mmomentus impact on today.

(about 9:28 P.M.) The eveninng (8:00) performance was SRO, but not as packed as the earlier 'house.'
My mood improved, my energy re-charged, I faked it better - whatever! But my 'show' went smoother this second chance.
Maybe it was Rhonda that pepped me up.
I missed Big Hand of the afternoon perfornance, due to writing, and the inability to hear the Band because of the generator of the Sweat Box.
So for the second performance, I spent more time in waiting by the backdoor.
Two of the older 'Kids" did the Bull of the afternoon performance; and, of course, the Bull was a crazy animal. I had to avoid it to keep safe.
A man and woman were married on Elephant back just before the 8:00 P.M. performance began. Barbara Byrd was most bossy to the Alley - the way she cmmanded the clowns to form two lines was humiliating and degrading.
Each clown was given a bag of popcorn to empty onto the newly-weds; I munched on it all through the Ceremony.
No one - not Barbara Byrd or anybody! - will control me artisticly!
The wedding was in Ring 2.
There is a United Parcel Service 'depot' across the highway from the fairgrounds; I sent a box (from the cook house) of books back to Alabama for $6.17. I bought some special tape from the clerk for $3.13.
I am closing things out, so to speak.
Flip had suggested that we just cuddle - but it didn't work out that way. Flip is shy, so we undressed in the dark, and got in the bed (I kept my underwear on, which Flip later took off).
During about a 2 1/2 hour period, Flip performed oral sex on me - oh! what lovely pain! the pleasures that woman can bring! - and I fingered her, and caressed her breast and buttocks.
And, of course, we 'necked.'
It's funny how this match with Flip just kind of crept in to take over the fiasco of the Rhonda situation. Life for me seems to be a string of accidents.
This is definetly the final Arkansas stand this year.
A female child ran up to me during the evening Come-in, and gave me a Spearmint lollipop.
I guess I was better than I thought!
Zippo the Clown was the guest for the evening performance. This local yokel walked stilts in Spec, but his Come-in 'act' wasn't that impressive.
I could get use to being in Flip's bed, naked, every night.

(30th, About 10:58 A.M.) It is a lovely bright, warm day, here at the Fairgrounds.
I paid, by mail, $25 on my bill to Mama; will I ever clear this indebtness up?
The 'jump' yesterday morning was through 3-4 miles of Texas, to the Arkansas side of Texarkana, but now we are here for the next ten days.

(about 4:39 P.M.) Luigi's Walk determines much to do with his character, the way I work him.
And the Walk depends on how I feel.
I am horny; I would like to sleep with Flip again.
Is sex destroying Luigi? Can't I have both? Or is there energy just for one?
What a choice! Both are pleasing.
This aftternoon (4:30) performance has abaout a 2/3 'house.'

(about 8:13 P.M.) I received a fan letter from Sue MacFarland, a high school senior from Lexington, Tn.; she attended the circus when it played Parker's Crossroads. Flip gave her my address and name, not being able to locate me after the evening performance.
I am amazed at the wisdom in one so young! She, too, thinks that the "'magic' is created by bringing out what is deep inside, not by covering up who they are."
And she wants to continue the communication.
The letter made me fell better.
And present a tighter Come-in 'show.'
The 'house' has more in it for this evening (8:00) performance.

(about 8:58 P.M.) Maybe it's getting too easy; maybe that is the reason for the boredom, the ennui.
I keep doing less and less, and the people seem to apppreciate it more and more.
Maybe it was better, enthusiasm-wise, when I was unsure of my artistic acceptance. At least then I cared. I tried.
Now I receive the response from the audience as my due, as only what I deserve.
I don't appreciate the audience.

(about 10:17 P.M.) All in all, this Texas opening was good - once I got my act together (no pun intended).
Up to this point no one can figure out who is keeping Flip company; and I love suspense.
And I can't stand the malicous gossip that these people on this outfit adore.
But soon it will be shouted from the highest hill.
Besides, Mattie Lou, Flip's daughter, will be here next week.
I can't wait for five, ten, twenty years, to see what Luigi will be able to do.
After telling Dottie that the less I do, the more people enjoy it, and hearing her laugh, I know understand the humour of the statement; what I mean is that the more SUBTLE Luigi becomes, the more successful is the 'show.' Not that people are thankful I no longer do something.
I am slow at catching on.
Only 4 rings today; and there was a downgrade in front of the back section, the area opposite the entrance. Of course, I made use of it.
Some jerk tied the horns of the 'Bulll' to the back door curtain. This childish behavior would bother me, except that only 18 performances remain.
Clowns are never taken serious - not even by the 'regular' performers.

(31st, About 12:35 A.M.) The fairgrounds; bright Sun; warm; beautiful day.
I have much to report, so bear with me.
Flip and I shared the same bed early this morning. Even then she did perform Oral Sex on me, we mainly cuddled and, both nude, actually got some sleep. It was great lying butt to butt!
The night atarted with roast beef and beer; Flip owns a video cassette player, and a copy of THE RIVER, so we hunted for one of the scenes I was in. And there, for abot 5 seconds, was yours truly! I stood out. What a thrill to be given a cameo in a mmajor movie!
We also enjoyed a relaxing, 'natural,' conversation.
I could get in to sleeping with Flip every night! - just the naked intimacy!
I have discovered there is much more to Flip tha a salesperson; she has serious, deep thoughts about her craft.

(about 4:47 P.M.) An asphalt 'stage,' at least in the main. It is a cracked parking area.
And grass covers a small section of one ring.
But the attendance! That is another matter. All told, there are about 200 people.
It isn't even worth an analysis.
Geary treated everyone who dared, to a Merican Buffet at a restaurant about a mile away.

(about 5:05 P.M.) Rhonda was my 'date' to the buffet.
You know, with Flip as my re-enforcer of masculinity, I am not trying so hard (no pun intended!) to couple with Ronda. If she remains a friend, that is enough.
One friend, one lover - a beautiful season.

(about 8:05 P.M.) This evening (8:00) performance has damn near 3 times the crowd as the afternoon (4:30) performance.
And the added numbers also brings out the porportinate reaction level; an enjoyable Halloween is being had by all.
I think many are accepting me only as a Halloween reveler. I am not niave enough to believe my act is treated as a regular.

(1st, About 2:06 P.M.) Powerful Sun, Sandy rings. Sparse grass growing in the stand. A beautiful warm day.
But, alas! this is no beach - it is the Henderson County Fairgrounds.
It could almost be know as a oceanless beach.
Flip and I had a date to the Haunted House last night. I spent the night in my own room, though.
I completed "Star Dog," by A.M. Lightner, earlier today.
Now, about Bullfight . . .

(about 3:17 P.M.) It even smells like fish, and ocean aroma.
There are sand burrs.
But wherre is the jocean?
The Gulf of Mexico is at least 200 miles away.
So why am I being teased?
I am being conscious of what I have recently done with Bullfight: when the 'Bull' sits on the ring curb, the 'dialogue' with the matador (Alfredo) is not Circus, but is more dance and drama. It is hard to explain, but the dramatic content is how I hold Afredo back, the timing of convining him, trying to get the Bull up, etc.
I am amazed that I would bother with this esoteric contribution to a Cirrcus 'gag'!

(about 7:15 P.M.) I was tipped a dollar! when I juggled upon request!
The attendence for this evening (7:00) performance is not so good - not as good ss the 2:00 matinee, which wasn't fantastic.
It is about a half-house this time, about 5/8 the first time.
Although I was barraged with many grins and looks of understnding and appreciation by this present crowd.
The back door is in the back, the front door is in the front.

-This sand really makes jumping around like an idiot rather tiresome!
Where did it come from? Was it because I subconsciously figured out how to deal with the people of this area?
Luigi was very energetic during the night show. Of course, the audience gave the character a great reception.
Maybe there is somthing to that "applause inspires and encourages a performer."
One of the improv. bits I did today was during Walk-around: I peeked to see into the turned over preferred seat ticket stand. As I did so, the balloons Flip uses for her clown breasts popped. I reacted as if I was scared and surprised by the noise.
During Come-in, I stopped by some jugglig rings, check to see that the coast was clear, then juggled briefly, afterwards throwing the rings down quickly, as if I was a person sneaking the time to juggle.
It seems the more Macho, the more I am accepted. This kind, I guess, is sick and tired, and appalled, at the so-called, 'traditional' clown.
One more week - seven days - 14 performances. And the 1986 season will be no more.

2-13 November, Palestine/Corsicana/Terrell/Commerce, Tx.
Sulphur Springs/The Colony/Flower Mound, Tx.
Irving/Dallas, Tx./Sreveport, LA/Meridian, Ms.
Birmingham/Childersburg/Wilsonville, Al.

(2nd, About 9:25 A.M.) I can't find my watch this morning; you don't reckoned it fell from my wrist during trash pick-up? Rhonda loaned me one for today.
The lot is at the corner of 256 Loop and highway 79. It is a mud field with 'loose' grass and sticks as a blanket. God help us if it rains.
Which looks possible; the sky is ugly. A mist fell earlier, and its big brother just may join him later.
And so we begin the final week of the season. How should I handle it? Should I return to a life of reclusiveness? Or should I continue my social experiments?
I have made many mistakes as a socializer; especially my dealings with Rhonda. For some reason, I can't seem to succeed as as extrovert. My intereations with people are, on the whole, dismal failures.
Of course, I did succeed with Flip; and this contact was most stimulating.
Even the fiasco of my seduction attempt of Rhonda let me realize my mistakes and handicaps with the opposite sex.
Artisticly, it is another story: I have accomplished more than I ever dreant. How did it happen? I never planned it. It is as if Luigi decided to go off on his on, and I had no choice but to follow.
If I never do Circus again, 1986 has highlighted a unique act that may never be seen again.

(about 2:10 P.M.) I wonder if the 'floor' has anything to do with my relationship with the audience? Dance is a spacial art - it is so dependent upon the enviroment - and the stage to day, although slippery, may conribute to my success.
For I was very well received by the 7/8 'house' of this matinee, as far as the Come-in 'show' is concerned. It was as if I could do no wrong.
I must admit my concentration was were it should have been; and the energy level reached a high point.
But why was I a hit this Come-in, whereas some days my act sucks?
Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth!?
And in spite of payday!
If I could only discover the secret, I would have a gold mine!

(about 4:35 P.M.) This second matinee of the day has a good crowd; which is surprising, this being almost Sunday evening.
Of course, the YMCA is sponsoring us, so I guess the religious people decided to support it.
The response wasn't nearly as heavy as earlier; but it usually requires 20 minutes to convince the people of my sincerely; and I didn't have it for the 4:30 performance.
And I have yet to figure out how to condense Luigi.
Can Luigi really be a quichie?
So far the rain is staying away.
Darren threw bucket and all into the audience during Washer Woman of the 2:00 performance. Anyone else, I could understand the mistake; but Darren's movements make such boo-boos embarrassing.

(3rd, About 10:35 A.M.) What a beautiful day! And the weather is lovely, too.
Darren is gone! He is either - according to him, and which version you hear - going to a job with Circus Vargas or Las Vegas.
Who cares! He's gone!
I am back in Washer Woman for these final twelve performmances. Fortunately, today is warm and bright. I pray the other five are so.
I has a 'date' with Rhonda at Wendy's in the mall (including to and from, via the Bus), awaiting my real date.
And this time we got together in my room.
An exciting night in the Sweat Box.
To top it off, I received $15 for trash pick-up this morning.
Tiger Field, a high school? college? atheletic stadium, is our home for today.

(about 4:39 P.M.) It was like this: I rode the bus with Rhonda, and got off at the Jack-in-the box, a 'hamburger' stand.
Rhonda continued on.
I walked on over to Wendy's, with tea from Jack-in-the-Box, to take advantage of the salad bar.
There Rhonda was.
Honestly, I wasn't following her!
The Bus passed, so Rhonda left.
I went to a grocery store for some items (baby wipes, snacks), and boarded the Bus when it made another round.
Rhonda boarded at Mac Donald's; she had gone there for a milk shake.
Was she avoiding me?
Once back on the lot, around 9:10 P.M., I washed my pubic area, defecated, and journied to the Pie Car.
Flip was there.

(about 5:03 P.M.) It's like this. I had asked Flip to a restaurant, a block or so up the street (Ramada Inn) from yesterday's lot, but she came by later and bowed out; she and her mother had earlier been invited over to Patricia White's and her boyfriend, Scott, for a meal that Scott cooked.
And I really wanted at least a conversation with a woman.
The Mericans had a costume party last night; upon return to the 'base,' I headed to the Pie Car; Flip asked me where I had been, then said she needed to speak with Pat for a while.
So I bought a beer and went on over to the fiesta (at the cookhouse) for 20 minutes or so.

(about 5:20 P.M.) I then returned to the Pie Car, had another beer, and bought Bob Gardiner a beer and a shot.
Bob was drunk on his ass, but we talked anyway. Other people came along.
The Pie Car soon closed, as did the fiesta. I was waiting for some action but we couldn't get away from, first, Lalo, then Don, and then Danny, and Ziegy, who all wanted Flip for the night.
Joan (Flip's mother) was too sober for us to go to Flip's trailer, so Flip suggested the Sweat Box.
How exciting!
I was awaiting her, and was nude.
Being pitch black, she explored, with her hands, the room.
Then she went exploring my body.
She slipped out of her gown.
We carressed.
We necked.
She took me into her mouth.
I didn't ejaculate, but loved the massage of my pubic area.
I rubbed her nipples, her buttocks, and her pubic area.
A beautiful time, and very exciting.
I sleep on a narrow bed, so she soon went home to sleep.
Even though semen didn't come out, I was very much relaxed emotionally by the time she left.
I love my male member being played with by a female.
I went to the mall this morning with Rhonda, returned to the lot on the back of Flip's motorscooter.
I had a dinner date with Flip; Rhonda came along later.

(about 8:35 P.M.) I purchased a watch from Wal-Mart while with Rhonda for $2.06 including tax. Flip arranged the correct time as we waited for our dinner at a Pizza restaurant, but the 'machine' soon gave out. I later swapped it for another one, and the new watch is now with me.
If it will last 5 days the money will be well spent.
I rode on the back of Flip's scooter for the return trip to the lot.
Earlier this morning I rode to Wal-Mart with Rhonda (and Pepe, the trumpet player) in the Bobcat, and purchased a can of Confess body spray.

(about 8:59 P.M.) Oh, yeah, the performances!: neither the 4:30 not this evening (8:00) performance had an outstanding attendance record - although this second one, still in progress, has a little more bodies present.
First 'house' - 1/2.
Second 'house - 5/8.
I did manage to awaken the second bunch during the Come-in 'show,' including applause for my juggling display (




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