Kitten

Confessions of madness
2012-09-21 14:13:56 (UTC)

Nightmares

I can't think of anything. My mind is consumed with still trying to mentally work out what's going on. I guess I always figured if I got told that I was going to die I would be able to feel the decay of my life drift away but I can't. Which is so much worse because I know what's going to happen but can't feel anything happening.
Everywhere I looked today I saw lives, lives of old and young, prospects of all proportions and most of all I saw futures, futures of which I am highly likely to be denied.

But the worst thing is I've actually started to come to terms with me dying. I don't want to die, I really don't but at the same time I know what could be my fate and that I need to make sure that the people closest to me know that at the end of this I'm okay with the prospects.

Rover is determined to help me through this and is already being a Nazi about exercise which I guess is good cause then I have someone who isn't going let me give up on myself but I really don't what this to end up with me not getting better and then him thinking that he didn't do enough to help. I'm so scared of letting people down, of everyone supporting me and helping me and then me actually dying.

I'm in a nightmare, a nightmare that keeps becoming more surreal every moment. A nightmare I can't wake up from and can't run away from.

And everyday that it sinks in a little more just makes me even more terrified of what's to come, what I have to face.