Confessions of madness
2012-09-20 22:03:17 (UTC)

Struggling with a storm

I am still not sure what's going on. My brain keeps saying "Ah its fine it can be true, he must of just been exaggerating!" but I know he wasn't and its true yet I'm so mixed up I can't think straight.

Today I told Rover. The best friend I have had in such a long time. I've never seen him so upset, I guess I have to expect that but seeing as I still haven't taken this in myself its so difficult to have to see others trying to get to grips with it too.
We sat out at our usual drinking field with too much wine and just talked and talked and talked. In a way it helped to have him there to know he won't let me go without a damn good fight.
But then it just made it seem even more distant to tell him even if he did take the news badly (again I shouldn't really be surprised).

One thing that he did make me realise though is that I need to make small plans. I ain't prepared to believe that I'm going to have to plan my own funeral but I should really make some small notes of passwords for things, if there's items I want to go to people, if there's some things I wouldn't mind happening at my funeral sort of things.
Nothing too gruesome but a just in case something happens before I'm ready.

The other thing that Rover made realise (which is the most scary and daunting thing), I may only live for another 2 years. I need to make the most of life while I still have it.

I'm terrified.

I just need someone, someone to hold me so tight I can't ever believe I could be let go.