Confessions of madness
2012-09-19 20:32:45 (UTC)

The reason I don't go to doctors.

So basically previous to current events, I fucked my stomach up royally.
I have no idea what the fuck it is, all I know is its fucked. A few years ago I was drinking anything up to 10 litres of Diet Coke a day. If anyone's wondering, that's alot. Due to the high amounts of acid going into my stomach that was by itself causing quite an acid build-up BUT to make it even better, my stomach decided to take the large quantities of stuff in my stomach to be a sign that it needs to produce more acid to break it down! Hazzuah such was my completely fucked up stomach born! So basically now I have to take tablets to stop my stomach working completely so I don't have a shit tonne amount of acid in my stomach (which while I wasn't noticing decided to start burn a hole through the bottom of my stomach).

So I was in my own little world thinking life was fine because these pills was stopping me from dying. I was wrong. Incredibly wrong.

My previous doctor hasn't really been giving me the whole scope of things. So within ten minutes my life was brought up to speed.

The doctor took my weight and my height and did some calculations and came to the realisation that I am medically Obese. Here I shall point out that I'm a UK size 16-18 in clothes which isn't great I admit but I wouldn't say I was huge and I keep as much of a varied diet as I can, adding vegetables to every meal(Just need to cut down the junk food inbetween). Then the doctor took some more personal lifestyle details like how much I smoke and drink and what other medications I take and basically looked at my illness and my body and my lifestyle. Considering I haven't got a hernia or anything that can be fixed with surgery, I have as long as about 4 years until I'm going to have either a heart attack or a stroke. 4 years he said was being lenient and that was before he took into account my medication. Which halved that number.

2 years..
The words just keep floating around my mind, not really sinking in but not really skating away.
I have up to 2 years to dramatically change my life and turn it around. I've tried exercising and dieting before but its so horrible to be in this position where its not for being slim any more, its for my health, that there is a huge consequence to not doing this.

For the first time in a long time I'm scared. Scared for me. I keep blaming myself completely for this mess and am beating myself up that because of my lifestyle I could be dying at 22.
I have to hide this from most people I know, or pretending like I'm fine to the ones who do when all I want to do is disappear from everything and everyone.

I've been waiting since I was 15 to walk into the doctors and for them to tell me a part of my body had fucked up, or I was going to have to suffer with a problem for a long time but I never once imagined this.

This is the reason I don't go to doctors.