Stxphy17

Stxphy
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2012-09-18 23:28:08 (UTC)

My life summarized

My eldest sister received the most attention when we were growing up; I was always hidden in her shadow. My mother had a difficult pregnancy with my first younger sister, a dependant on constant medication, she grew up weak minded missing the ability to process cruel intentions invented by her peers; there is no questioning, she was always put before me. Then there is the baby in the family. The daughter with the most angelic physical features, the most well known student and friend in all her school years, her only flaw is the lack of a heartbeat towards another living creature. The second child out of four daughters, I have always been expected to follow orders, and have never been asked about my feelings, my life, nor my experiences since the starting of my development into a young lady.
My young middle school years were by far the hardest times in my aging life. My oldest sister was a week away from reaching the age of adulthood. Having always had a rough relationship with my parents, she took it upon herself, never to return to our bothered home one day after work. Her actions did little to help my parents’ already troubled marriage. My mother spent endless nights crying herself to sleep, as did I, only she did nothing to hide her depression. I went on with my days hearing constant fighting, and helping my mother receive the proper education she had given up years before any of us where welcomed into her life. Without warning and without any knowledge of what was happening to my mind, I entered a deep depression that no one in my entire family would ever notice.
The only being to semi-help with my problems was my male cousin, who was and will always be, a year younger than me. He was my journal, my therapist, my escape into possibilities of a different and better reality. I loved him as a brother, more than my own folks, and probably sisters. He had helped me with my troubles during junior high, and later high school itself. Then on the spring of my sophomore year, I shared an experience with him; one that changed our lives for the worst. Our parents had allowed me an evening of slumber to occur at his house, only consisting of the two us, I was more than comfortable with the idea. Why shouldn’t I have been? Nightfall came and with it, a dark unexpected storm began thundering over the roof above us. When the time arrived for a “Goodnight” to take place, it happened differently than I had first


envisioned. He embraced me in the dark; a rather long
embrace, that was much too uncomfortable for my already trouble minded state. He laid us down as lighting flashed the pitch black room, thunder tuning out the sound of my frightened heart pounding against my ribs. I kept perfectly still, hoping he would think my mind had lost itself in slumber. The tip of his fingers traced my back lightly, as the rain poured forcefully against the window. What seemed like an eternity was probably a few minutes. His legs detached from mine and his arms left my statue-like body. As he whispered, “sweet dreams”, and left the room, a debate took place in my head whether his actions where sexual or innocent.
He denied ever touching me that way, days later, saying what a liar and attention whore I have always been. My mother took his side at first, but later began to doubt his comments. She has always blamed me for that incident, never considering my feelings to that experience. Losing all respect for my flesh of blood hit harder than being blamed for the occurrence, and was no help to my already deep depression.
I joined color-guard my junior year of high school, After years of begging for my parents approval, they had finally allowed me to tryout, and being the skillful person that I am, I was granted permission to be apart of the organization. It was a life changing experience for me. There was so much friendship, love, and passion in that union. Everyone had the same goal, and they supported each other like a true family. Without a therapist, without medication, and without knowing, I grew out of my depression for good. For a while, if felt different to smile, to laugh, to love; it was like experiencing a rebirth, it felt like a new life was starting for me, and I vowed to always look forward in life.
Before, my life was certain, through the eyes of others; it consisted of drugs, alcohol, and lust. Now it couldn’t be more uncertain, and more positive. There are all sorts of opportunities for me, too many to chose from, but enough to satisfy. As hard as it has been, and will be, I know to pull through, to hold on during rough times, because there will always be something to look after. I take all my experiences as lessons, and arrows pointing me past the checkpoint of skill and ending at the finish line of knowledge. Good will always come, but it does not come easy.


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