2012-09-18 23:21:32 (UTC)

Not So Much Mine Anymore

He wasn’t just some other guy. His touch was different. His lips were different. His smile was true, and you could see meaning and something foreign in his eyes. His arms were strong and careful as they held my body with such love during a warm embrace. I could lay with him for hours and be at perfect blissful peace. Every moment that I spent telling him I loved him wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to shout it to the world. I wanted everyone to know what I felt in my heart. And that all my love was for and to him and no one else. I was loyal, faithful, and honest to Rene. He made me want to change my ways and fix my life. He made me want to greet a total stranger and say something extremely kind just to put a smile on their face. He made me love life and everything in it.
So when the time came that he was no longer mine, I felt like my heart had been incinerated, stoned, crushed and left on the stone cold floor by a dumpster to rot away. It didn’t feel like the world was coming to an end; it felt like I had no meaning, no more purpose. There was no thrive that led me places and made me want to do the impossible. The fire in me was gone or just giving out. I felt empty. Lost. I was unsure of where to go or what to do. Or if there was anything I could do; not to get him back, but to get myself back.
The first five days that I spent, knowing he wasn’t mine, went by some what neutral. I had accepted the lost of him, or so I thought. I didn’t act like I was ok, I honestly really felt fine. There was no pretense, no lying about not wanting him back. Then I went back to the high school the next day. Memories came back to me, fights, tears, and clarity, and soon, I was looking for him before I even realized I was.
Then all of a sudden, he was there about twenty or thirty feet away from me. I could see him wearing his favorite gray hat, his glasses, his Nike running shoes, his snare drum. In that moment it was just me and his back facing me. I could run, and catch up to him. I could change things for better, maybe for worse, but as long as I could speak the unsaid truth, that would be fine with me. Except, I didn’t run or chase him, I didn’t pour my heart out to him. I didn’t ruin or fix our relationship.
My feet were planted on the spot were I stood still looking at the direction he was going. I caught a glimpse of his smile as he turned towards the exit, and that was enough to convince me of my decision. I let him be. I left things exactly as they were. Maybe my mind, my heart, was unsteady, but he was fine, almost happy I would say, and why should I ruin this day for him?

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