my Journey
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2012-09-12 22:03:23 (UTC)

~I Can't Let You Love Me~

Your sweet, gentle hand

Brushes away the churning in my stomach

I forget what I'm so afraid of

Why I keep glancing up at the clock...

Wishing it would just stop...

Your captivating eyes

Stare straight to the "pure me"

You see who I was before it was stolen

To be around you is to be in a trance



Happiness is dangerous

I know all too well...

I allow myself to be happy

To feel free

And the weight I bear gets heavier

The pains they bring are too much

I give all my strength to be here

To continue standing, sane, with everything I deal with

When you are not with me.

If I allow myself to fall into your eyes

Relax inside your heart

Feel safe within your arms...

I deceive myself

There is no safe place for me.

You may love me

You may be on my side

But when I face my enemies

There is no one there to help me

I am alone...

Always alone.

I won't tell you these things

I keep them locked inside my mind

I can't waste our precious seconds

These are the only moments of freedom I have

I will pay for them dearly when I return.

Let them do whatever they want to me

I am a shell; they have killed my hope and my future

What else can they do?

And here, though they are not even present

I can feel them stealing you away from me too!

Damn them!

I can't let them steal you

But to love you and go through the beatings

To lie to you and say that I am not suffering so that you won't hurt

To pretend like I am happy for you

So that you won't have to feel anything that I feel

Would make my burden more difficult to carry.

I love you.

I don't want to see you with anybody else.

But I will sacrifice you,

Because even though you love me back,

To be with me is to get sucked into a dark, dark, world

Where nothing is fair

Where nothing is true

Where nothing is real

Where nothing ends...

To hold my hand is to journey with me

And the pains that you would bear

Would hurt me so much more than anything I have ever had to endure

And I can't drag an innocent, loving, good-hearted person like you

Into a dark, cold, cruel, unrelenting, hateful world like mine.

I love you.


I'm sorry.

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