my Journey
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2012-09-11 21:30:17 (UTC)

my Nature and Society

"Do you ever find it difficult to embrace your nature in today’s society? How do you balance it out?"

It is extremely difficult and mostly seemingly impossible for me to talk to vanilla people about the Lifestyle. When my family found out about Master, they completely freaked out. Of course, they found out by discovering a journal entry. They immediately thought i was being brainwashed and involved with a very dangerous Person. Why else would i list what i had eaten or had to drink that day, what all i had done and report my feelings to Him?

People fear what they cannot understand, and they mask it with condemnation, anger, rejection, ridicule, and other similar reactions.

Society seems to assume that Masters are People Who wish to control others and use abuse to accomplish this. They are therefore not only deviant but dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. This is the kind of Person most vanilla people would never want their kid around.

Society seems to assume that slaves are people who lack the capacity to accept personal responsibility, have been brainwashed, or possess such a low self-esteem that (s)he would be willing to do ANYTHING for "love".

Masters are abusers, and slaves are mindless and pathetic.

i cannot wear my collar outside. Not my formal one anyway. If i wore my collar to work to pick up my paycheck, i'm sure my job would be on the line.

Other sexual preferences are not subject to this. It is blatant discrimination, but it is also understandable. If a vanilla person were to google BDSM, finding philosophical meaning and well-thought out articles are the LAST thing that person will find. The first thing that will be seen will be extreme forms of play and porn that mostly center around violence and seeming extortion/abuse.

That's why i never realized i was kinky. i thought THAT was kinky. i always thought i was vanilla. i thought everyone felt like me, that women were wired to seek to please the men who loved and protected them, just like i thought men were wired to teach, guide, and discipline the women they were in charge of. What i know now as vanilla i thought was only for the most prudish. i never knew i was actually a minority the whole time!

But from an early age i learned to not discuss it. People would react negatively when i would hint at ideas, testing the waters to see whether this was a common mindset. i can't think of specific examples...but if i were to bring up some kind of slavery concept in a round-about way, the other person would usually balk. i still didn't think i was a minority. i just assumed that people have been trained by society to repress their sexuality and pretended to be offended because that's how the person felt they should respond...not because they genuinely felt that way.

It makes me angry that i would be looked at or judged for this. i did not choose to be a slave. i was BORN a slave. i did choose training, and i have referred to my training as "choosing to become a slave." That is not entirely accurate, however. A person cannot choose to become a slave any more than a person can choose to be homosexual or bisexual. The person can only choose actions to take, whether to nurture or suppress the self. In choosing to be trained, i acknowledge the fact that i am a slave...that i gain fulfillment and self-esteem from serving and pleasing. Society can't understand, and this is misconstrued.

i do not serve or please my Master because His manipulative "love" forces me to a place where i feel He is the only One Who could ever love me...that my service is somehow coerced...that i am a victim rather than an active participant.

It isn't my fault that i believe's His. He lured me in and brainwashed me, and now i act cult-like, blindly following with no way out. (give me a break)

i have always enjoyed serving. It is something that makes me feel good about myself. Service and pleasing others (especially loved ones) raises my self-esteem because i know i have helped someone. i have made someone's day a little better. my presence has been a positive occurrence. i don't gain self-esteem because Master gives me false praise to keep me in line. That isn't real self-esteem anyway. Self-esteem must come from within. Even Master cannot give me that, but He certainly doesn't play games with my emotions for His benefit.

Well...sometimes He plays games with my emotions for His benefit but not like that! People in all kinds of relationships do things like tease or aggravate each other because it's funny and entertaining. Our relationship is no different. He plays on my anxiety, my shyness, my anticipation, my fear, etc, but this is done for my pleasure as well as His. i enjoy the way those emotions enhance or contradict my natural feelings of submission. He does not pretend to love me so that i will be His puppet.

Furthermore, i am not mindless. i know what brainwashing is. i've seen it before. i've been through it. Just because someone else can't understand my ethics, morals, and sexuality doesn't mean that i must not understand what i'm doing, that somehow someone has forced me to compromise myself.

Ironically, society forces me to compromise myself. Being a slave is too deviant to accept. i am undoubtedly a whore who revels in self-degradation and lacks emotional strength. i must enjoy abuse, and god forbid i have a child and be a slave. i have to be very careful who i tell, what i say...

i will never get people to understand that being a slave requires much more thought than any vanilla relationship. i will never get people to understand that in fact a BDSM relationship is to vanilla what a college freshman is to a kindergartener. They are both made of the same basic components (knowledge) but they are is much more complex and requires a LOT more work.

Am i saying that vanilla people are lazy or don't understand relationships? No, of course not. i am saying that people have different styles. i'm not even saying there is an actual line between vanilla and Lifestyle because i don't believe people can be categorized so neatly. We are fluid...the world is not made up of categories nearly as much as it is made up of is not either/ is a matter of degree.

Personally, i do not understand how a woman doesn't want to kneel before a man and worship him...i don't understand how people can stay in relationships and not adore and serve each other...i don't understand vanilla relationships, but i don't judge people for them either. And at one time i was in vanilla relationships. In fact this is my first M/s relationship. i never understood why i felt so unfulfilled. Now i know. It wasn't always just that the other person was an asshole. They couldn't give me what i need: to serve.

Being a slave does not make me less than my Master. Yes i submit to Him. Yes i kneel to Him. i am not less than Him. Society can't grasp this concept. We work the same amount at this relationship, it is just that we work in different areas. If i cook dinner and He cleans, who is less than? There was one common goal and two roles. How is cooking less than cleaning or vice versa? Do i cook dinner for the sole purpose of Him cleaning it up? Does He offer to clean up for the sole purpose of manipulating me into cooking?

It becomes so misconstrued and complicated. It's really very simple:

i was born with a desire to be found pleasing by those whom i cherish. i have dreamt of having a Master ever since i was a little girl even though at the time i didn't have a name for that Person. i simply thought, "i wish Someone would come and take me away and love me and protect me and let me live with Him, and let me do anything for Him to thank Him for that for the rest of my life." That was a serious wish, and i used to pray for it. Part of that was trouble at home, but i wished that i would find a relationship like that even after i grew up and was out of the house. i was not (and am not now) just looking for an escape.

To be a slave means i have a shitload of more responsibility to own up to than a person in a vanilla relationship. If it were vanilla, i wouldn't have the rules and protocol i do. i could do what i want when i want and say whatever i wanted how i wanted, and i wouldn't have to apologize or compromise. Of course an attitude like that would hurt any relationship, but being a slave i am BOUND to very difficult things like absolute honesty, complete submission, perfect trust, etc. Those are areas in which i am accountable for every single decision or act of omission. Being a slave does not lower the amount of responsibility: it increases a hundred-fold.

Another popular view is that Lifestylers are going to Hell. i believe in God and was raised with a Christian background. This is what i believe
God is good.
God created me the way i am.
Therefore, God does not hate me for being true to what He created.

God is love.
Love is not hypocritical.
Therefore, God is not hypocritical.

God does not hate me for being true to what He created.
God is not hypocritical.
Therefore, God will not send me to Hell.


i don't really find balance. i have everyday collars that i wear, but i get comments often about how i left my dog tag at home. Sometimes i am directly asked whether it is a collar. i always reply, "It's a choker." It is a's also a collar, and that is none of their business.

The reaction i get from just wearing one of my collars is so strong and negative that i requested permission to substitute other items as a collar...such as hoop earrings or a slave bracelet. Sometimes i use my turquoise native choker or simply a pair of earrings my Master made.

i'm treated like a whore, really. The reaction is either of disgust or intrigue. i'm either going straight to hell and shouldn't even disgrace society by living or i'm just a slut who will fuck anybody and who just LOVES to take orders and be violently assaulted.

Being a slave should be revered. It is difficult, and i am proud of my status.

Gauging this reaction here without any other signs of the Lifestyle, i can only imagine how much more intense things will get. i call Him Sir. i can get away with that in public sometimes because it's considered polite, but people give me looks when i ask His permission to be dismissed to go somewhere or do something. i don't just walk away from Him...sometimes i will, but mostly i stay right beside Him unless i ask to go somewhere else. That isn't because i'm too intimidated or stupid to be my own person. It's because i am being respectful, telling Him where i will be and what i am doing.

i should not have to hide myself like this. There isn't anything wrong with me. i am normal. i may not make up the average mindset, but normal to me means being true to oneself. This is just me. i shouldn't have to hide, lie, make excuses, or apologize.

But we all know that isn't how the world works. It's much better to just be mainstream all the way and never deviate from the lines. Always color between the lines. The way you feel doesn't matter.

You should be what others prescribe for you. And yet, what other prescribe for me is to be mindless with a low self-esteem because that is what vanilla has to offer me. slavery has so much more, and i am grateful to be the way i am.


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