MasterWolf_ncs_lilbrat

my Journey
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2012-09-11 14:48:04 (UTC)

Determination

"Determination can often turn a failure into a success. There are many ways to accomplish the same goal. If one way doesn’t work, try another until you find one that does."

The most recent thing i remember as far as determination was fighting for my collar. i try to be determined because sometimes i feel that’s all i have. i don’t have experience. i don’t have self-control like i want to have. i don’t have a lot of sense it seems like most of the time. But i do have determination, so i hold on to that.

Determination reminds me of the sky. No matter what happens or how long something messes it up, it always goes back to being how it was before. Resilient. i guess they really go hand in hand. i don’t think a slave (or anybody for that matter) can be determined without resilience or resilient without determination.

It’s proving something. If i am determined enough, then Master will be able to gauge my dedication to it. If i am determined to obey Him, then He will know i value my slavery. But determination isn’t enough: without following through, determination is meaningless.

When it comes to obeying Him, i must be determined. i have a problem with obeying Him in little things sometimes. i used to disobey Him most often with vibrating His clit. i couldn’t stop myself. Finally i wrote sentences out of desperation. i meant to save them and send them to Him, but i don’t know where they are. i didn’t throw them away…

This workbook, this paper is an example of determination. i am determined to be a good slave, but i don’t know how. It’s hard long-distance for both of us because He cannot train me the way He needs to and i feel largely unguided. i have no slave friends, and i get frustrated. There have been times in the past when i’ve wondered whether i was training myself. It isn’t His fault for not being able to give me more direction any more than it’s my fault for not being a higher quality slave at this point in my service to Him. We could both give more if we weren’t so far from each other.

i believe there are two parts to slavery: there are the internal changes which only i can ultimately control, and there are the external changes which only Master can ultimately control. He will have a harder time training me if i do not have the right mindset. i believe i could use the distance to His advantage by preparing His slave mentally for whatever training He has in mind so that she is more malleable and less resistant to His direction.

my goal is to serve Him. i have already begun this before even receiving permission to do so, but i asked before i started to write. i am doing this to serve Him better. That’s why i do everything i do in my slavery. It’s all to be a better slave even if some of it is just for personal curiosity. What i mean is that sometimes i do research on things i’m curious about, but it all ultimately helps Him because the more i know the more valuable i am. The more i can correct my bad mental habits (wanting to put my needs first, esp. above His rules, etc) the more obedient i become. The more i am able to quiet myself and allow Him to push my limits with acceptance the more loyal, trusting, and dependent i become.

These are things i want. This is why i’m doing this. i want to know myself and obey my Master. i want to be a good slave. i want Him to be proud of me. If anybody in the Lifestyle were to see Him with me, i would want to be such a caliber slave to earn respect for my Owner through my obedience, service, and love towards Him. i’m not sure whether that scenario would ever occur, but it is important to me that i never make Him look bad or even mediocre. He is a Grand Master, and the depth of my slavery should be reflective of His status: if He is elevated higher than a Master, even though there is no other status beyond slave, i should act on a level as if there was because i am a reflection of Him.

i will do this. i will sacrifice anything for Him, for my slavery. i will do anything to stay on His leash, to wear His collar.

i will never falter again. i have given myself one choice in life: to be His slave. i may not always be perfect, but i will never leave the road. One day i will figure all these things out. i will be able to work through the conflicts i have and serve Him beyond what He ever expected of me. i will be able to anticipate what He needs and wants and give to Him without commands or prompts, to do things that would have in the beginning made me feel uncomfortable without any hesitation because i am thinking differently, because i have changed my perspective.

That’s what determination makes me think of: knowing myself, being an exemplary slave, staying humble, staying in His love, serving Him always.

1/10/2012


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