my Journey
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2012-09-11 13:15:35 (UTC)

Submission Awareness

When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?

i feel the most owned when all i can think about is how if Master were with me somehow everything would magically be better. i know that’s stupid. i miss Him a lot. i’m not tough like He is. It feels like i can’t do anything without Him. Even if He’s asleep or busy, i know He’s there. As long as He’s there i’m okay…but if i misplace my phone i freak out. If i don’t have a way to communicate with Him, i feel so lost and scared.

A lot of answers to this question have to do with punishment or affection. i guess mine deals with being alone. When i feel isolated from Him, i’m very aware of being owned…aware of how much i need Him. i couldn’t bear to feel that all the time. It makes me grateful He restored my collar, that He didn’t choose to hate me. And when i think about all of that…it just really hurts.

i miss Him. That’s when i am the most emotionally aware of my collar.

Based on the very little bit of experience i have, i am physically most aware of being a slave when i’m told to do something i feel uncomfortable with but know i have to do it anyway or be defiant. It’s something i struggle with. He hasn’t really pushed this a lot…and in the car, He was smart to yank my bikini top over Himself. If He had told me, i would have hesitated and might have argued, and then it would have been too late. i didn’t try to stop Him, but i don’t know if i could have done it myself.

i feel so dependent on Him, and i’m so far away. How much more intensely am i going to feel this when i get up there? It just…feels so strong and like it’s just begun…and i don’t know what to think. i know i’m rambling, and i need to get ready for work. But i miss Him so much, and i wanted to write about this kind of stuff because it makes me miss Him a little less.


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