my Journey
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2012-09-11 13:12:59 (UTC)

Ideas on Slavery 10/27/11

my ideas on slavery

i am a slave. i desire to serve and to be useful. i desire to be treasured and pleasing. i’m not sure if there is a right or wrong way to enter slavery as far as motivations: whether one slave is more or less than another because this aspect is treasured more than that. i entered it wanting love and protection. i guess i entered as a sub. If Master had not given me those things, i probably would not have continued to submit to Him. Now that i do not have to “work” for those things, His love and protection, and now that i know they will not just disappear, i don’t have to worry so much. Of course i still worry a little, but it will go away completely with time. Since i don’t have to worry it frees me psychologically and emotionally to give Him more of me. i don’t have to have those walls up to protect myself. i trust Him to protect me. i don’t serve Him to earn those things like i used to. i serve Him because He is my Master. That’s it. BUT, He wouldn’t have gotten the chance without what i was needing in the first place. i’m well aware that this is a lifetime dynamic. It was important for me to be able to trust my Trainer, and it was important for me to genuinely be loved…but i think the most important thing for me was to know that when i become a burden, i won’t just get thrown away. So now i can give to Him things i didn’t think i could before.

i want to be trained extensively. Grand Master is more than capable of doing this for me, i have no doubt. It is only a matter of what things He will allow and what things He won’t, perhaps because He doesn’t see the point. When i first started this i didn’t know anything about it. The concept of slavery was too much for me to really accept other than a broad definition: some of the specifics i couldn’t see myself even being willing to submit to. Even though it hasn’t been that long, things are different now. i no longer feel the need to have limits. i don’t want any control anymore in any area except for where Master has explicitly given me permission according to His trust that the decisions i would make would be the same as His.

i’m torn as a slave because i know there are some things He has expressed to me He doesn’t particularly care for, and some of those same things i told Him i really wasn’t too excited about them becoming a reality for me, but now some of those same things i kind of want. For instance, sometimes i want to speak about myself in third person. i don’t even know why really, it just…it reminds me that i’m His slave. But i don’t know how to tell him or ask Him. If He is my Master and in charge of training me, then i’m not sure about my rights to speak up and suggest or ask for things. That seems like i’m trying to tell Him how to train me (or worse, criticize Him), and i am in no position to tell Him how to do anything. If He says He doesn’t like something, then do i have the right to ask for it anyway? Do i even have a right at all? i’m a slave so that means i have no rights except what He has given me. He has never told me i have permission to question things about my training…not the process anyway.

And honestly, it’s been so long since the beginning that i don’t remember what rights He HAS specifically given me. i just kind of guess based on conversations we’ve had and His personality…what i think He wouldn’t mind. i just don’t want to disrespect Him by requesting things: 1) am i allowed to do this? 2) is it disrespectful in the sense that any suggestion comes with an insinuation that i may not be fully satisfied? Am i not always supposed to be grateful for whatever i get?

Still, i want to FEEL lack of control and all rights. It will be easier for me to accept total obedience and to become compliant enough to change inwardly (instead of just outwardly) if i am stripped of everything first and then given some back as i perform well enough to earn that trust. Then i will gain a sense of pride with every new thing Master gives me. i will know i’m pleasing Him, and it will help me keep track of my progress as His slave.

i saw somewhere that submitting to the processes that will make you a slave is the last decision you ever have the right to make. i never thought about it like that. When i first took Master’s collar, i had no idea what it meant. All it meant to me was that training had officially begun. i wanted it. i wanted to wear it. i wanted to feel like “a real slave”. And when i first started wearing it this summer it DID help remind me to obey His rules because i could feel it all the time. And it’s true that when i’m not wearing it, sometimes i imagine that it’s around my neck and that keeps me in line. i don’t know what it is about the collar being there, but it does have a certain power over my behavior. i want more. i haven’t told Master this, but when i move, i really want to wear wrist things and maybe ankle ones too…because, i just think they’re beautiful, and they remind me. i liked that the bracelets He made me can be handcuffs if i bring them close together. i feel sexy when i’m bound because i think submission is beautiful. Anyway…

How have i changed as His slave?

i had a lot of expectations in the beginning. i thought i was serving Him, but it was mostly superficial. i didn’t think so at the time: there were a lot of things i did that were risky…i did them for Him anyway for devotion’s sake. i wanted Him to prove to me that He loved me…course after He did then i just felt like shit because of all the drama. At first it was “i need to obey Him because i want Him to train me.” Then it was, “i need to obey Him because i want Him to love me.” Then it was, “i need to obey Him because look at all the shit i brought into His life…it’s all my fault.” Then it was, “i need to obey Him because if i’m not perfect He will yank my collar away, and i will never be allowed to speak to Him again.” Now it’s, “i want to obey Him because i am His slave and it honors me.” So i am not completely selfless. i want to obey Him because it’s what i should do, but i also want to obey Him because it makes me feel good inside to know i am treating my Master the way His slave should be treating Him.

Then: i didn’t want to refer to myself in third person. i wouldn’t have agreed to even taste piss. i only reluctantly agreed to Master pissing on me the first time He mentioned it. i didn’t want to write a journal every night. i was forming secret plans to change Master’s mind about that, but i changed mine before the plans came about lol. i was unsure whether i really wanted to change my entire life for slavery. i didn’t trust Master’s judgment completely. i was kind of irritated that He kept asking me what to do because i knew nothing and He’s a Grand Master—when He would ask me what three things to put on the agenda. i never knew what to put. i hated that it was my responsibility. i didn’t understand why He couldn’t just start training me immediately. There is no way i would have had what they call a “slave space.”

Now: i have no aversions to pronouns like her, she, this slave, Your slave, etc. i trust Master and feel i don’t need limits because we have discussed them. He will make the decision as to what my limits will be. i like writing journals because i can express things to Him this way that would be impossible otherwise. i know He will read what i write, and i am free to write because He doesn’t punish me. i have decided that i am ready to become totally committed to my slavery to Master Wolf. His judgments have never steered me wrong: they have never hurt me in any way. i have no problems and would enjoy Him outlining rules for around the house: where i should be when, how i am supposed to ask Him things, how i am supposed to respond to Him, etc…protocol, even though He claims He isn’t into a lot of it. i still don’t know what to put on an agenda should He ask, and i still hate that responsibility. i hate it because i don’t have a lot of options to choose from. i know Master has said i should sit beside Him, that He would never make me sit on the floor at His feet, but sometimes i prefer to be there. i did that a lot at the computer when i went to see Him because i knew i could get away with it: there wasn’t another chair right there. i understand why He couldn’t train me then…why it’s impossible to train online. i’m wanting to move.

What are my biggest challenges?

1. What Master doesn’t know won’t get me in trouble.
2. If He can do it, i can do it.
3. i don’t see the point.
4. He is overreacting.
5. As long as i confess i won’t get in trouble anyway.

What Master doesn’t know won’t get me in trouble. What Master doesn’t know may not get me in trouble over that particular incident, but it WILL get me in trouble, and it might get me in trouble over something a lot bigger because if i try to hide things from Him they WILL surface. For one thing, i can’t sleep with a guilty conscience. i don’t tell on myself for brownie points because i don’t get any. i tell on myself because if i’m hiding something every time i say “i love You” or any praise i get from Him hurts. i don’t like the good things to hurt; i have enough hurt. So i have to tell Him because it isn’t fair. He trusts me as His slave to be honest. If i’m not going to be or feel i can’t be honest with Him then it would be better for me to just give the collar back now. It’s only going to get more intense…there will only be more rules to follow which means more ways to disobey Him whether intentionally or not.
How i can overcome this challenge: i must report to Master immediately when i have disobeyed Him. If immediate confession isn’t practical, then i must confess to Him as soon as i am at home. Sometimes i prefer this: when i confess to something i should give Him my undivided attention so that i can feel everything uninterrupted. His chastisement won’t be nearly as painful if i’m at work texting and doing other things: i could simply focus on something else. When i do wrong my focus should ONLY be on my disobedience and His response.

If He can do it, i can do it. We haven’t hit this yet, but it’s coming. Mostly it’s because we live so far apart. i’ve always had this mentality: “If you do it, you have no right to tell me not to.” But…this isn’t going to work with Master. He has all rights. i have none. What He does has no bearing on what i do. Only His choices make that decision. i know this already intellectually, but living it and dealing with all the emotional conflict it will bring…fighting back my ego to submit to Him is going to be very difficult.
How i can overcome this challenge: i must feel Owned. i must constantly remind myself through experiences that i do NOT make the choices, that Master makes the choices, AND that i do not have the right to judge His decisions. i need training to be able to clearly define what kinds of questions i may ask Him: for instance, i know if He commands me i am allowed to seek clarification to understand how to do it, but i’m not sure whether i am allowed to ask Him to explain to me why i should do something. If i have felt “choicelessness” enough then i can fight this urge much better: the more i internalize slavery the less it will hold power. Eventually, through enough reinforcement and experience, it will no longer be a problem at all.

i don’t see the point/He is overreacting. i lumped these together because it’s basically the same mentality: it’s rooted in me questioning Master. This has already been addressed, but it was the biggest obstacle in the beginning. i’m not completely over it either, but at least i obey Him in spite. Maybe He is overreacting, or maybe there is no point. There doesn’t have to BE a point. The only point i should be concerned with is that a slave serves her Master with love and obedience and is eager and happy to do it. The extent to which she serves Him has a direct correlation to her worth as a slave.
How i can overcome this: Well the family thing fixed this mentality for me. Sometimes i thought He was overreacting even though most of the time i agreed with Him. But when i saw things unfold the exact way He said they would, and when i saw that my doubting Him had caused so much drama that He was throwing up blood and about to release me, that was just too much. i will not lose my slavery to them on top of everything else. i need Master. i need His love. i would give up anything for that. So i told myself that in the future ANYTHING He commands…anything….will not be questioned by me. i won’t half-ass do it because i don’t see the point or i think He is being too harsh. That is not my decision to make! But i suppose an exercise He could implement to aid me in this would be to command things that really don’t have a point until i stop questioning Him and just do what He fucking says.

As long as i confess i won’t get in trouble anyway. This is what i’m dealing with right now. It’s hard. i know i can vibrate His clit and confess to Him, and it will be fine. He may make a few comments throughout the day, but i know the next time i ask to vibrate His clit He will say yes. i won’t be punished at all. It’s difficult because when i’m horny i KNOW i can do it free…no penalty. Not even next time, because the next time i want to vibrate His clit He will probably say yes. The ONLY incentive i have to obey Him anyway is that i’m His slave. And i feel like His slave, but not as completely as i want to. i realize most of this has to come when i move which is why i’m trying to move SOOO hard. It’s not just that i want it: i really need it. i need to feel His Ownership in very constant ways through experiences that are impossible given the current parameters.
How i can overcome this: i need to be reminded that i am a slave. As a sub it was so easy to play slave, kinda…i mean i could go through the motions (not that they didn’t mean anything to me then because they did…it’s just the meaning has changed by now) but my focus was always ultimately on what i was getting out of it. i did things for Him, but it was like paying myself. Well that might be how “subbery” works, but that’s not how slavery works. As a slave, there is no paying self. If my focus is on what i am getting out of it then i am not acting as a proper slave should. It’s disrespectful and disobedient to Master because i’m disregarding my position. He should be my focus unless He gives me another focus. i need to feel more severe consequences for disobeying my Owner. i need to internalize that i am not guaranteed to get anything out of serving Him except the opportunity to do so and the honor it brings me as His slave. Anything else He gives me is a gift that i should cherish and not take for granted. i need to internalize that i did not earn those things by being a ‘good slave’ and that i cannot make Him love me more by being better any more than i can make Him love me less by being disobedient.