Dear World
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2012-09-10 20:52:33 (UTC)

September 10, 2012 Change..

Dear Diary,
This feels pathetic. Probably because it is... Where can I begin. How about my heavy, heavy period? Or the bad break out I have on my face this week? Or the gas? Yes, I am talking about stress. The all mighty disease causing.... Okay, I'm getting a little dramatic. It's okay, I dont think the diary is bad enough. (sarcasm)

Where was I? yeah train of thought just crashed... Not randomly, Im at work... anyway, Its like I want to write my stress away but I dont even want to bother... I am feeling a little better already though. Okay, how about my bf's brother just moved in with us. He's only been here 2 weeks and im already tired of his ass. I miss not having to worry about other men putting idea's in my bf's head. Like the idea of going to bars or clubs with "the boys." MEN WITH FAMILIES DONT DO THAT!!! We arent married but we have a 6 month little girl together so technically we are... His brother is so imature so he doesnt understand that. He still thinks my bf is some bachelor that can do whatever the hell he wants.. I DONT DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!!! Im 20 years old. Doesnt anyone stop to think that if anyone should be acting like that it would be me? But no, I put my daughter first, my man second and me last because in the end I want my daughter to be happy with the decisions I made like staying home like a 40 yd domesticated house wife instead of going out like normal 20 yds do... But you know its the way I will be with or with out him...

What the hell do people go to bars and clubs for? Besides having a good time. They go to meet people. My man is not meet-able. He has a girl and a daughter who would be devasted if she ever found out her daddy cheated on her mommy. Then she'd probably end up hookin herself for crack... why? DADDY ISSUES.

You know, I love my man. I want him to be happy but I feel like I've always been trying to make everyone else happy... I dont want to be walked over, I want to be loved... And I WONT put up with him acting like a bachelor.. If he wants to act like one then he can BE one. With out me in his life. so if thats what it takes for him to be happy then so be it...

I cant stand the fact that his brother has been talking shit about me... Telling my bf "why do you let her talk to you like that bro" HOW OLD ARE YOU JON?!?!?! 25!!! When the hell do men stop acting like that? How old do they have to be? What do they have to go through or experience? And he doesnt clean his own messes!!!

(sarcasm) You know what I love the most? When the brothers are arguing cause thats when my bf is my best friend again... Sell out. And when they fight Who the fuck is trying to keep Jon from leaving? me.. even though I dont even want him around anymore.. But I dont want my bf to regret anything and he did tell me he wanted to be close to his brother.... ugh. I'll do anything for him.

But its only been 2 weeks and it feels like me and the bf are getting further apart. He tells me "no one comes between me and my family. You girls come first." but I know chris and he's probably telling Jon "I told my girl you come first so she knows that." I cant know for sure but Jon acts that way. Like I would think he'd act a little differently if Chris really did tell him that me and his daughter come first? Idk.. I wish I could snoop into their conversations so I could know for sure.

Confession: I have a problem with change. Its like I get anxiety and then my mind starts thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Then something goes wrong and I knew it was going to happen... Like how they gang up on me... I feel like he's trying so hard not to but he does it anyway because he wants to show off in front of his brother and he wants to get along with him as well so they probably get along AWSOME when theyre both against me...

The fucking irony of all this is that I dont want him to fight with his family because I know how important family is... I dont ever talk to any one in my family because they just dont care to. And staying away from my mom is one of the best things I can do for my daughter. This that situation where everyone says "your mom cant be that bad" then they get to see her real side and theyre like yeah I really didnt believe you. I really wish my mom was normal and my family cared and got along... So I want my daughter to atleast have her family on his side if the family... But the irony is exactly that.. I dont like him but I want him around.. Family is extremely important to me... I mean look at me... Who the fuck has my back? I fight the battles on my own... I dont want my daughter to ever be on her own...

I always know I can do anything on my own but I want to have that support.. That feeling that everything is going to be okay... I had that and now I dont.. See how change affects me...

Digital Ocean
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